In my opinion, friendships grow in the same manner as other relationships. There is a courtship or getting to know you phase. There is the gradual “tell me more about yourself” or “I’m telling you more about myself” phases.
- You share ideas.
- You share mildly humorous short stories.
- You share your food.
- You share your time. You share your ambitions. And so on….
Overall, in whatever manner it occurs, trust must be earned. Respect must be earned.
For each and every person who decide to be friends, it takes time. One of the things I’ve noticed among SOME black women is that there is no in-between phase. In an environment such as school or work, from day one, I’ll be subjected to the most intimate – things that I really don’t care to know about – verbal dump.
The BFF Hotline
I’m thinking of starting a 900 number phone line so these chatterboxes can spend the $3-$5 per minute babbling on about their inconsequential lives.
Yes, I say inconsequential, because I don’t know them enough to care or consider whether their issues are worth being concerned about. So, they shouldn’t be offended when after backing up their verbal garbage truck and dumping on me, which I only allow after a couple of times, I get up and walk away to avoid their presence. Even if they follow me, I run away saying, “I’ve gotta do something right now, don’t have time.”
I really do have better things to do. In these environments, my time is money. I’m not one to provide a sympathetic ear until I know you. A relationship doesn’t begin unless you invite me to lunch and we use some of the off-time to talk. It doesn’t begin unless we share some hobbies and want to hang out somewhere at some time. But it doesn’t come with interrupting me at the job as often as a chatty pest may see fit. It doesn’t begin until these women show some consideration, a reasonable attitude, and address me in a proper manner.
Misdirection and Disaffection
I’m very polite, but some folks want to assume I’m a doormat. You know, everybody loves to bait a black woman to see her turn into a “She Hulk.” Not gonna happen with me.
And, I’m puzzled by the strange attitude I get from some black women.
They speak in such a odd way towards me. See, I’m not okay with that common tone of anger. I feel that if you have an issue with someone else, take it up with them.
A real friendship doesn’t begin with another woman doing all the talking, having a one-way “dialogue”.
Real conversations are about give and take. Some black women are too old to be told what’s common sense. If someone has a problem – yes, one can talk about it, but one has to listen to the other party speak too. It is give and take. Not take, take and take some more.
An Acquaintance Is The Door Leading to a Real Friendship, or Not
If a woman’s overall conduct isn’t ladylike, discrete or show some semblance of modesty, she shouldn’t be surprised when people refuse to listen to her. Dodge her company, or ignore her entirely….
When a black woman approaches another, assumptions should not be made.
- All of our experiences are not the same.
- All of our backgrounds are not the same.
- Our culture isn’t just one. There are multitudes of black culture.
- All of us do not view political, religious and social issues about BLACK, WHITE or OTHER PEOPLE in the same way.
- Not everybody is a hugging, kissing, and touchy-feeling kind of person.
- Not everybody wants to hear the details of your intimate life. Ask if they want to hear it first.
- Not everybody speaks in the loudest voice they have when speaking to other black women. And that belligerence, that “chip on the shoulder” is noticeable to everybody. That’s why you are having conflicts with people.
- Not everybody wants to hear you complain about every other woman on the job. This isn’t junior high where you need to have “backup” in your “beef” with what’s-her-face.
- Stop assuming. Ask first. Don’t assume that everybody “knows that.”
- And don’t be friendly, only whenever you want something. People aren’t as stupid as you think.
If you cannot treat others with respect, don’t be surprised when that disrespect is returned in kind.
Life will go a lot smoother when you let go of the anger at other black women first. So, look in the mirror, smile at that black woman. Forgive her. Learn to like, love and respect that person in the mirror.
And that disposition towards other black women will change as well….