Pretty guy alert: Bella’s friend Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner).

Twilight was unintentionally funny, yet disturbing. I saw it on DVD, and this film would be a wonderful source of parodies for years to come.

I think what may have sounded great on paper (Twilight comes from a series of books about a teen in love with a vampire), but on screen: B-film quality, melodramatic, creepy, campy, and downright corny.

I Think I’ve Seen This Before

As an old reader of “she loves her murderous, dangerous, super-strong, pale, he-can’t-read-her-mind, uberman (Ubermensch) vampire” stories, I’m reminded of Sookie Stackhouse Southern Vampire series. It’s on cable as True Blood. I haven’t watched the series yet, so I don’t know how close that adheres to the books.

It was enjoyable to watch Twilight for two reasons: the director (Catherine Hardwicke) made Forks, Washington look like the most beautiful place on earth, and the music was rather nice. The cinematography of this flick was simply awesome. Makes me want to visit Washington state just to take a look-see.

This movie follows Isabella Swan (Bella played by Kristen Stewart) who decides to live with her father, Charlie (Billy Burke), because her Mom’s new husband is a minor league baseball player. The choice for the mother was either stay home to look after a teen in Phoenix, Arizona, or travel with her man. Bella decided to make her Mother happy and seek out Charlie.

Census Count: Check

Overall, the casting was surprisingly inclusive, every demographic was in this film: Asian, black, white, Latino, and Native American. I don’t think I can recall a movie this inclusive, and I’ve seen too many to count.

I only wish that Charlie was having a relationship with the black waitress, Cora, (Ayanna Berkshire). She seemed sweet on him. Plus, I find it hard to believe that a Sheriff as good looking as this guy could be single. I hope she’s in the sequel.

Kiddie Pool
: Deeper Than Suspected

As for dialogue, I find gasps for breath, hangdog, open mouth expressions, not being quite able to say what they feel, and excessive pauses in dialogue to be irritating. The flow of conversation could have been handled better. It came across as overdone, campy, and silly.

You know what though? I think this film is something that pre-teens (and younger) shouldn’t be exposed to. Although the film was rated PG, I felt there was something unseemly being conveyed. I’m not a prude. I’ve read some hardcore stuff at an early age, but I grew up closely supervised and protected. I can only imagine what kids are free to do today.

Predators ‘R Welcome!

What was unseemly in the film? Straight up, Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) was a weird, creepy stalker. Despite the bad boy saving a helpless damsel in distress, James Dean vibe or hairdo, he was way way older – nearly a century – than Bella.

He admits, he’s killed. He claims he’s a monster.

And Bella’s response to these nuggets of information? “I don’t care.

Initially, from the way they behaved, I couldn’t discern mutual attraction, or that they were even in love.

He has cold hands. He’s the undead. There’s no warmth in his body. If only the writers understood how uncomfortable and unattractive cold hands, a mouth and body is. Even in the beginning of the movie Bella admits she doesn’t like cold wet things. When they kiss, I’m thinking, A cold mouth? That’s repulsive.

Vampire or not, he’s essentially a cannibal. He’s telling her has to constantly control his urge to eat / drink her dry / kill her.

Does that sound romantic to you?

Our Alternate Universe

I twisted this scenario to a real world scenario: image an older guy, a killer, a rapist, a sadist, telling a young girl he can’t stay away, because he needs to kill her?

What’s the young girl supposed to feel? Attraction and flattered? GTFOOH.

Aren’t there enough missing young women about? I’m not saying young girls are all airheads, but some (as well as boys) are emotionally vulnerable, the right kind of attention and pressure could get them into a lot of troubling situations.

For Adults Minds Only

It’s an adequate film for the mentally stable, hard to impress, media resistant, and with a healthy ability to recognize schlock when they see it. I’m hoping there’s no suggestion lurking in any mind that anything that’s presented as a relationship in this movie is something worth emulating.

And with that said, I look forward to the sequel when it is eventually released on DVD.