A Brutal Murder in NYC: Some Women Better Wake Up!

Bellydancer quote – on why it’s good to be selfish:

That is why I think some black women are afraid of BWE women is because they are tired of their trifling sons and other male relatives living and mooching off them and are looking at us like why don’t you want to take them off our hands. I have read where BWE are selfish and self serving because we put ourselves first. We are not trying to serve a dying community that does not benefit us.

If you go to school and succeed you are looked at like you are crazy cuz black men can’t keep up. Not my problem try harder. Just because I did not help you with your homework while you partied that does not make me selfish. I do not understand the woman/jock thing at these colleges. Why the hell are you doing this man’s school work just so he can play sports.

Some women better wake up!

Why did I use that quote? Let’s realize that if certain types of black males (see below) cannot live parasitically off of black women, they will turn to (or on) another group of women flattered and later trapped by their attention.

Described as “charming” and a “ladies man”, a black male is persuaded by his father to turn himself in after allegedly killing his girlfriend.

In the NY Post, a “brotha” (Paul Barrera, 33 years old) stabs a white girl (Sara Coit, 23 years old) with such violence, using 8 knives, that she’s nearly decapitated, leaving her organs outside the body.

According to the article:

The attack was so grisly, it left a piece of a knife lodged in her head.

For those who fret over the well being of black-women-hating black males, must realize that if they don’t love black women, it certainly might not be love they feel for white women either. Keep in mind that they hate all women. What black women are spared from (when we have the sense to run from these violent, dangerous lunatics) they will turn onto the next group of women, or victims, if you prefer.

Here are some money quotes from a friend about the situation:

“Sarah was trying to get away,” said Blum, who called the 33-year-old Barrera a freeloader and said he took advantage of Coit for years.

“He was awful. He gave you bad vibes instantly. He was horrible. He was controlling over her . . . He broke her computer when she wouldn’t let him use it. He would take her BlackBerry for a week at a time, saying she didn’t need to use it,” Blum said.

Her friends saw the abuse.

The neighbors heard the abuse.

But when she was ready leave, she couldn’t get away.

Remember this the next time someone calls you selfish. You are looking out for number one by not letting a controlling man-child run and ruin your life.

This other story, I got from What About Our Daughters (on Facebook), is about a sista doing everything for her man-child, and he thanked her with a murder-suicide.

She was moving on up with her life, and he couldn’t bear it.

Dannette Willory (Photo courtesy of The Miami Herald)

Note: There are some abbreviations here and in the comments section I’d like to define. Sometimes I forget people may not know the meanings.

BWE – black women’s empowerment. A name for blogs that discuss black women’s issues from a point of view of doing what’s best for black women first and sometimes only.

DBR – damaged beyond repair, usually describing men, but plenty of women fit this category.

BM – black male / black man.

BW – black women.

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Black Women: Please Yourself First

Note: This is a random rant.

I’m a selfish person. I’m not afraid to admit that. It’s probably because I’m the last child, the only girl, and spoiled rotten. I’m generous, friendly or kind – when it suits me.

Guilt Gets One Nowhere.

I’ve racked my brain to find instances of when I’ve pitched in, because I got “guilt tripped” into something I really didn’t want to do. Outside of my immediate family, and a best friend or two, it doesn’t happen. I will help people, but I don’t make a big deal out of any time, resources, and money given to causes I believe in.

However, anyone who comes at me with a “I gotta do such and such for groups X, Y, and Z”, since I am a woman who happens to be black will get that person nowhere. I’ll just smile at you sweetly, and say softly, “No, thank you.” I will take off. I wont hover around waiting for someone! anyone! to try and persuade me that I need to do something out of obligation to folks or “causes” I don’t care about, and probably never will.

I only worry about things that are of concern and interest to me, or within my control. I don’t apologize for that mindset. People who use guilt tripping are the biggest users you will ever encounter. Their awareness of this particular problem means that they should be organizing and managing it themselves, or if they want your help – they need to suggest a financial – yeah, I’m talking money – benefit you will reap from it.

Ever notice that whenever a celebrity supports a cause – they always go looking for time and money from their fans? Think about that for a second….

Your Time Isn’t Free.

I’m suggesting you be (a nice) mercenary. It wont make you a mean girl. You are simply teaching others how to RESPECT you. It can be done in the sweetest, most polite manner ever witnessed in a black woman. ‘Cause you know how everyone thinks we’re all crazy angry bitches. Right? :)

All that giving you’ve done, which will supposedly enrich you “spiritually” is nonsense. You are being used. If you are being volunteered for something people are usually compensated for – get PAID or get OUT of it. You have other and better things to do.

Another subtle con folks love to run on black women is the implication that helping others for FREE will help others LIKE you, because otherwise no one will. That’s the worst kind of emotional blackmail and sabotage. Folks like people for all sorts of reason, how much they can use you should never be one of them.

Demanding Busybodies Need to Sit Down.

People who spend their free time monitoring the activities of others, followed by demanding that they must fulfull obligations that no one has AGREED to are parasitic.

If you want people to do something that you can do, then DO IT, and leave them alone.

If you want people to DONATE to a cause that you can reach into your own pockets, then DO IT, and leave them alone.

The worse thing(s) I’ve seen online are the number of people who always has a job for black woman to spend HER time, resources and money on.

Yo! Slavery ended over 145 years ago. Let’s not backslide.

Black Women: It Is Okay to Get Paid.

I also want to say this: black women have the RIGHT to be paid, compensated, reimbursed, acknowledged, and thanked for any endeavors they participate in.

If she asks for funds, no one should recoil in horror and claim that this black woman is a hustler, pimp, gold digger, prostitute, or looking to dupe everybody. Let’s cut that nonsense out right now.

If one likes how she performs, PAY her. If one doesn’t, then leave her alone.

Folks love to get up in arms the minute a black woman puts a price on her labor – like she doesn’t have the right to be compensated. They’re stingy paying her – crying poverty – and will take advantage of enjoying her services / products for free, but will doggone find enough money to buy a pair of Christian Louboutins in a heartbeat.

Oy, I exaggerate.

Are people out of their minds? Why should she labor for free? Why is this demand always laid at the door(s) of black women? Economic deprivation is not a sign of spiritual purity anymore than wealth is indicative of a devious nature. If you believe that: you’ve been had.

I say, even if she’s not asking for dough, lucre, bucks, or money – send her some, buy her stuff, and tell her thank you. Otherwise, leave her the hell alone.

  • Let’s start picturing black women with wealth, health, and good spirits as normal and usual.
  • Let’s picture that as a progressive, or conservative if you prefer, trend that needs to be promoted, supported, and endorsed.
  • Let her be selfish for her own sake.
  • Let’s respect her time.
  • Let her earn her monies, and not begrudge her what she wants out of life.

Have a good one. :)

Note: This is a random rant.

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Rape of Young Black Girls: Do We Ever Learn Anything From These Stories?

I would like to know. Frankly, I’m sick of knowing about these stories.* The reason is my feelings about what should happen to the perpetrators would fall under extreme cruel and unusual punishment. I’m all for sterilization, hangings, the electric chair, and putting the criminals to sleep like any animal that needs to be put down.

I would even air drop them down into war torn countries around the world, or have them put in those jails to rot away to get a taste of what real deprivation is like. They don’t deserve to be treated with any consideration of “human rights” – they lost that privilege when they committed a violent crime against a child.

However, due to the politically correct, idiot intelligentsia that never thinks of the victims or their families, along with their desire to show how morally superior they are, the punishment will never fit the crime. The sentencing will be delicate, plea bargained to a “lesser crime”, and the years doled out modest (always less than the actual sentencing).

The Details and Excuses Don’t Matter

As for the crime: I don’t care to know the minute details, the back stories, where it happened, why it happened, how many were involved or whether the victim was familiar with her attackers. The reality is young black girls are nearly always attacked, raped, brutalized by people familiar, or known, to them.

What I know of this case, like so many others, is someone’s baby girl was viciously and brutally attacked, and there are people (I use that term loosely) regarding this incident with an indifferent shrug. Or they’re more concerned about the well being or public regard towards the attackers. That’s how deep into hell certain “communities” have fallen.

There is no morality left.

There are folks who will expend more time worrying about the treatment of the perpetrators due to their race, their gender, whether they came from “broken homes”, and how the incident will reflect on the “community”. They will fling the usual monkey poo buffalo chips about racism (you know, the white man made them do it), poverty (jobs would have stopped them from being brutal rapists!), the girl at fault for being too fast, too sexy at 11 (she made them do it!), and the usual rabble about fair trials (’cause the “brothas” never get a break!).

It’s almost guaranteed we will hear that a majority of the attackers are “mentally handicapped” and have IQs of around 85 or room temperature. They couldn’t stop, because they were just playing follow the leader.

Despite the harshness of my crime and punishment stance, I believe every defendant is entitled to the benefit of doubt and the presumption of innocent. And if, or when, they are found guilty: hang ’em high.

Keep This in Mind: The Hell Pits Are Here to Stay

I’m sick of these horror stories, because I know within a few days there will be another, followed by another, and then another. It never stops.

I know it is hard for a mother (and father) to be around to protect their daughters. She has to work. Perhaps she has to take time to attend school on nights or weekends. Momma might even think a family member or friend is looking after her little girl, or assumes her daughter is safe among her own “friends.”

Black Women: You Have a Choice

Common sense should never be up for debate. Yet, there are people who just love, love, love to argue and drop major B.S. playing with the idea as to whether black women have the right to move away from the “community.” There is a mindset that all black women are community property. The black woman is the resource everyone in the “community” needs to help keep it going. There are always layers of excuses as to why she should continue to live in hell, in approximation to hell, or in this place that’s transitioning to hell, by helping to “fix up” what’s wrong.

In case anyone didn’t know: that is a black man’s job. If he and his boys ain’t willing: it is not her problem. Black women aren’t obligated to live in neighborhoods infested with criminals, because the residents sorta look like them or share cultural baggage. Marches, slogans, t-shirts, and pity parades for mercy wont change a damn thing.

‘Cause she cannot run away from her people. Right? I mean, really? Well, most of her peeps might be plotting to rape, rob, and possibly kill her. She has every right to run. And run now.

The only thing that matters is quality of life. It doesn’t include cowering in fear – or fronting like she’s fearless – from people that share a similar hue or phenotype while pretending there is a meaningful connection due to those factors.

With incidents like this, is it really worth it to stay?

I hope every mother (and father) who cares about their young black daughter(s) think about where they live, check the crime stats for the new neighborhood, and make that move. There are still cheaper, lower to low crime areas to live. America is a very, very, very big country. Hoodlums are not hanging out on every street corner.

There are safer places to reside.

Dear Mommas

Be vigilant. Be proactive. Please think about changing your life, make a move, because the one you save may be your own or that of your child.

*Note: the following are links to these types of stories. Thanks for the hat tips, Bellydancer.

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For Black Women – No Respect: Is It Open Season on Black Women and Black Girls?

Thanks for the various links Amanda (BWMM) and Bellydancer. 🙂

They Don’t Respect Disabled Little Girls: Papa’s Gotta Straighten Them Out

A black father boards a bus to stop “children” from bullying his disabled daughter. I can tell you right now. Back in the day, if that had been me –  my Father, my Mother, my Uncles, my brothers, and half of the peeps on my block would have gone after these animals. And rest assured, the parents of these kids would have gotten their ish together and stopped that behavior. Whenever we pulled even mildly stupid crap, an adult, parent or not, came after us.

Folks are different today. Not sure if it’s something in the food, or if it’s just the sign of declining civility, responsibility, morality, or overall decency. Take your pick.

According to wftv.com:

A father, who was trying to protect his disabled daughter from her alleged bullies, was caught on camera threatening students on a school bus. James Jones’ daughter suffers from cerebral palsy and is now on suicide watch. The girl’s father boarded the school bus on September 3 and threatened students during a profanity-laced tirade.

The scene on the school bus via YouTube: click here.

Can you believe that it’s the father that got arrested? I don’t agree with his use of profanity and his threats, but I can imagine his frustration.

Like Amanda (BWMM) says: “Kudos for the dad. I think they weren’t expecting a father to come and check they asses.”

Yup. People think black FATHERS don’t care anymore about defending their daughters. They still exist. Despite what the anti-NWNW lunatics would have everybody believe.

They Don’t Respect Little Old Ladies: Chi-Town Shoot Out

An elderly woman in Chicago has to get out her gun to stop the neighborhood thug – who’s only 12 years old! – from continuing to harass and throw bricks at her home breaking the windows. One of the tossed bricks had hit her in the chest.

According to people.com:

Margaret Matthews, a 68-year-old woman living in Chicago’s Southeast Side, picked up a gun Tuesday night and shot a 12-year-old boy in the arm.

The upshot? The boy was cited for a misdemeanor crime – while she wasn’t charged with any wrongdoing. Matthews, neighbors say, was the target of constant harassment from the 12-year-old – a ringleader of a group of kids who allegedly vandalized Matthews’s home, broke items in her shed and even set her garbage on fire.

“I would say [the kids] were bulling her,” neighbor Frenchie Johnson told local TV station CBS2. “She stayed there by herself. They know that. And she’s one of the ladies that, she stands up for herself.”

I cannot even fathom what kind of child(ren) does this. Predator. Sociopath. I’m trying to picture even the worse thugs (back in the day) trying to pull this kind of nonsense. Wouldn’t happen. Only because the entire block had black fathers, white fathers, and other ethnic group fathers. The kids on welfare had daddies. The MEN back then wouldn’t let this kind of insanity get started, whether it was their son(s) or not.

According to the media, the only “parent” that boy has is his grandmother. There is no man to teach him right from wrong. That’s why he’s a menace. He considered her easy bait.

From chicagobreakingnews.com:

“She was being protective of herself,” said a man who lives next door. “What they did was wrong. Especially with her being an older woman.”

That’s a damn shame, living alone, and being victimized by generation 2.5 fatherless spawn. It’s too much like Dawn of the Dead.

They Don’t Respect Black Girls with White Boys: Stomping a Defenseless Couple

You know it’s end times when degenerate black males are inviting Latinos to physically disrespect black girls with their boyfriends. One would have thought that the last 20 odd years of hip hop, BET videos, and vile web sites / online forums would be enough. I suspect when black women / girls were talking about black and brown people working together, getting stomped and battered by them wasn’t what they expected.

I’m not surprised by this. This is the next step after the entertainment violence against black women, and it’s moving from the verbal street harassment to absolute anarchy. Let’s get real, it’s OPEN SEASON on black women and girls.

According to fox8.com news:

Cleveland Police Sgt. Sammy Morris tells Fox 8 News that three students from Rhodes High School have been arrested for felonious assault in connection with the attack of a young, interracial couple.

According to the police report, a group of eight boys ranging in age from 15 to 19, from James Ford Rhodes High School, followed the couple south on W. 50th Street. The suspects were making insulting, vulgar and aggressive comments like, “You’re cute but I’m gonna punch him in the face.”

Minutes later, the boys made good on that threat, but instead — they punched the female victim in the face.

… they were targeted because they are an interracial couple. The girl is African American and the boy is Caucasian. Her boyfriend defended her and was then viciously punched and kicked by the mob, the report said.

How brave these punks were. Notice how they attacked the girl first? That’s how it is for black males (and now their invited cohorts). If they aren’t verbally attacking black women / girls, then it’s all out physical assault. They would have attacked her even if she was alone. It’s what they normally do … see examples just cited.

They just didn’t expect the white MAN to defend her.

Open Season on Black Women and Black Girls: They Are Seen as Easy Prey

What’s the running theme in all of these stories? No one expects black women / black girls to be protected by anyone.

Why not? We haven’t been protected and respected over the years. Listen and look at what gets produced in the name of entertainment and how it’s directed at us. It’s non-stop insults, harassment, vileness, crudeness, and sickening racism / sexism. And it’s never ending. Whether it started on the streets and ended up as “entertainment” is irrelevant. Violence is still the end result.

Some of the cures – for those of you who take your well being seriously:

  • Stop feeding the monster(s) … socially, economically, financially, via web site hits, responding verbally / non-verbally, or any type of acknowledgment. Whatever it is. Get away. Get away.
  • Move. Nearly every real estate web site has crime stats. As soon as you are able: go where the crime rate is low. Don’t be surprised if that means living where black males are few, far away, and little seen. Your life, and perhaps those of your loved ones, depends on it.

Ladies, consider this: Who are your defenders? Cultivate some, whether it’s a glock, tazer, mace, or pit bull. Take your pick.

Learn to defend yourself: it’s time for us to stop being so vulnerable. Be safe.

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Black Women – Devil’s Advocate: Are Black Males Real Men?

It’s September, and it’s Devil’s Advocate* month.

I was sent a link to this picture. Thanks Chocholatestar. 😀

We don’t know who created it, but it does beg the question: Are black males real men? People like to pretend that out of wedlock (OOW) births are an issue that is the sole responsibility of, and problem for, black women to resolve. It is not. Although black people love to embrace this particular myth, I need to repeat this fact to shatter it. Black culture or societies, whether in America, or around the world are NOT matriarchal. It never has been. Not by accident, not by default, and not by design.

It is a man’s world. Always has been, always will be. People enjoy tossing the words “strong black woman” and matriarchal around to hide a glaringly obvious defect: black males are failing as men. Their sole competitors are other men, not black women. Socially, economically, and developmentally they are lagging behind. Black women cannot fix that problem for them. No matter how financially generous, emotionally supportive, abject, submissive, relentlessly hyper-critical and abnegating of self – you cannot lift nor mold an “adult” black male into a man. It is self-destructive. It is the core of dysfunction.

Years ago, a radio talk show host I was listening to, without an ounce of political correctness in his body, made the following joke:

Question: “What is Father’s Day called in the black community?”

Answer: “Who’s My Daddy Day.”

So not only does a national talk show host know about the situation, it’s considered a joke. Despite what people may think: the joke is on black males, not black women.

Recently, a football coach of a prominent college mentioned that the only recruits that interest him are those with a father involved in his life. I think the coach was one of the few people talking about a strategy that people already utilize without giving voice to. Despite the polite chatter of the mass media, in real life people are quietly and severely penalizing the OOW offspring of black males.

Why? Because if they don’t care about their children, why should they expect others to?

Which brings me to this point: why mess with a male who statistically is predisposed not to marry, provide protection, bring resources to the relationship, offer support, or bother to raise his own children? Jill Scott may wince at “brothas” who are marrying non-black women, but she willingly had a child for one with a I-Am-Irresponsible neon sign over his head.

Is she a masochist? Perhaps.

Black women, do yourselves a favor, don’t join the masochists’ club(s). You are entitled to be happy. Don’t let anybody tell you that you are selfish, greedy, mercenary, a gold digger or desperate, because you seek a MAN who is going to do the things that most normal men around the world automatically do: marry, provide for their families, and raise their children.

Always consider this: there are millions of illegal immigrant MEN willing to face murderous gangs, cross a deadly border, walk for thousands of miles in the desert, eagerly join our military, and work from dust to dawn at sub-minimum wages just to send their meager earnings home to feed, clothe, and shelter HIS WIFE and KIDS.

Why? Because that’s what REAL MEN do.

*According to Wikipedia, Devil’s Advocate is:

In common parlance, a devil’s advocate is someone who, given a certain argument, takes a position he or she does not necessarily agree with, just for the sake of argument. In taking such position, the individual taking on the devil’s advocate role seeks to engage others in an argumentative discussion process. The purpose of such process is typically to test the quality of the original argument and identify weaknesses in its structure, and to use such information to either improve or abandon the original, opposing position.
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Dear Pepsico,

Please note: I did send this note, via email.

I just heard an ad for your “Refresh Project” and the music of John Mayer, “Waiting.” Is your advocacy also endorsing the words of a racist / sexist bigot? Is David Duke a part of your “Refresh Project” as well?

You hypocrites can drop Tiger Woods, but you let a racist / sexist bigot continue to be a part of your “Refresh” campaign.

I see that as long as you have an overriding phony “good image” to push at us minorities you will keep playing the music of this racist / sexist bigot and tell us that everything is fine.

As far as I am concerned that is not good enough. If he had said offensive things about Jews, you people would not be playing his music, or using any product tie-ins with this man.

Your own racist / sexist hypocritical double-standards are noted and not appreciated. Words wound and money will not wipe the slate clean here. Actions speak louder than words.

I don’t want to hear that John Mayer is endorsed by you people. Drop him from your campaign now.

How about finding some decent people to push your products to the young and sensitive people of the world instead of an ugly racist / sexist spouting bigot?

You people need to try better next time.

Also, don’t send me any corporate-speak blather about how you’re doing okay in spite of having an offensive racist and sexist bigot to tie-in market your products with.

It will never pass the smell test.

Please note: I did send this note, via email.

Update:

I realize that a massive junk-food tax, on potato chips, soda, sugary carbonated drinks, and the like, would be an excellent, life-affirming and health improving change for everyone. This is a serious matter, which will effect the health of millions and provide funding for schools, fill state budget gaps, and the like.

It is time I write and let my representatives in the government know that I support this issue.

If you’d like to reach them:
1) Contact Form – http://cr.pepsi.com/usen/pepsiusen.cfm?date=20100222
2) Contact Page with all links – http://www.pepsi.com/index.php?panel=contactus

Updated: 3/12/2010

I have heard the new ad. It sounds more “inclusive” and does not include what’s-his-face music.

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Rant: To People Who Compare Every Politically Incorrect Expression or Treatment to "the Blacks"

Stop it right now.

Stop those trite, irritating, and annoying expressions of “Well, it is like doing X against the blacks,” or “Well, it is like using the N-word to describe group Y,” or the all time favorite, “Group Z going through this discrimination is like doing this to the blacks.”

For real though, those declarations do not make any sense at all. If the offense is that serious, then the blacks do not need to be dragged into the discussion.

The history of black people(s) in the diaspora is not short, simple, and it is not a convenient, slick, back of the envelope example of discrimination and suffering for other groups to use.

We are not a trick bag of goodies for others to use and (mis)appropriate when convenient.

Some folks may not mind, but I do. My suggestion: Use your own damn history. Compile and relate your own pertinent examples of discrimination, suffering, and intolerance. People will understand. People will respect you for it. People will be able to picture your complaints and take them seriously.

Right now, whenever I hear “the blacks“, whatever support I may have had for your position(s) gets negated to zip, zero, and zilch. It drops down into “I could not care less” category.

It Is Not Logical

Using “the blacks” to exemplify discrimination will not work, because it is not a correct logical construct to compare it to using the word “retarded”, being a woman, blind, deaf, dumb, alcoholic, mentally disabled, physically disabled, a drug addict, a fat ugly white woman, a senior citizen, a homosexual, lesbian, or whatever group feels they have a problem.

You know why the comparisons do not make any sense? Aside from the coalition of fat ugly white women, black people are also women, senior citizens, mentally disabled, blind, deaf dumb, etc.

Default Normalcy

Saying “the blacks” is deliberately erasing our complexity and humanity. When the slaves were emancipated, and freedmen got the vote, only black men could vote (in theory, since Jim Crow closed that door). Yet, all the time, I see idiots, especially in the media, saying “the blacks” got the vote when slavery ended. Black women could not vote until all women, excepting Native Americans at the time, were granted suffrage.

Some of you assume everyone’s default for man is a white man. Some of you assume everyone’s default for woman is a white woman. This thinking is about seeing whiteness as normal, and blackness as abnormal. It is so automatic, no one stops to think why they do it. It makes as much sense as this sentence: women and minorities. Translation: white women and others. Are minorities not women too?

That is why some of you folks love to associate every group that might be outcast, abnormal, dysfunctional, disrespected, or whatever as “the blacks.”

Get it clear, not all of us has a world view where we are a minority, secondary, subordinate, a permanent victim group, or inferior to anyone

So, shut up already.

Next time you find yourself in a search of a short hand narrative, leave “the blacks” out of it.

Put the trick bag of missappropriating black people’s culture, history, gender, and identity down. Go free ride on the back of some other group.

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Self-Worth: That Voice in Your Head

Do you have an inner or outer critic that won’t shut up?

Does the inner critic sound familiar, like a mother, father or other relative that wouldn’t let up on how terrible they want you to think you are?

I used to wonder how people ended up not speaking to their relatives for years even decades. It is easy to give up on these complicated relationships. I am always conflicted, because with the good comes the bad, but sometimes cutting the cord is a necessary evil.

It doesn’t have to be a total elimination of these people from your life, but some relatives are, well, toxic. Like a frog in slowly warming water, one’s self-worth and self-esteem will erode under a constantly rising temperature of methodical, mendacious criticism.

I am open to different opinions. I am open to words of advice. Yet, there is a point when that family member has to STFU.

It is a crude point to make, yet insanity is the act of doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result.

As for me, I can’t take it anymore. I have had enough. Constant second guessing of myself, constant criticism of even the smallest deeds, the relentless assertion of not “being a nice person” – I can’t take it anymore. I have had enough. It is life long, long term child / adult abuse. It is a sneaky, shadowy form, but the message is always clear: there’s something wrong with you, you are not a good person.

When I constantly get this message, I begin to wonder: how am I supposed to change? What can I do to be a better person? Am I really a bad person? Am I mean? How come I am not nice? How come no one likes me? Is that why so-and-so doesn’t like me? And so on…

Yet, to make sure that my reality isn’t skewed I check with people I know. I ask, am I that bad? The responses I receive are: you are a nice person, you are good, you are kind, you are sweet, you are compassionate.

That’s when it occurs to me as to why I get mad. I know it’s not my imagination. I know when I’ve heard nasty little comments, little digs, malicious insults, negative pessimistic stories that just happen to match my personal situations, and the constant attempt to chip away at my self-worth and self-esteem.

I understand that it’s not the real deal type of abuse, but do I even need to hear it? This kind of language is programming. Programming which leaves me to second guess myself too often, to leave me preoccupied with things that – while they matter – take up too much effort and energy. I am forced to act under a false doctrine: I am not worthy. I get angry, because I don’t want the inner critic to take over and make me live a life less worthy of living.

I am content with myself, with the way I am. I can do little to change it. I am the way I am. I try to be respectful of everyone; I can do no more or less.

Yet, for my mental health and well being, there are some family members that I need to pull up anchor and drift away from.

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