The Nice Good Black Man

Using an interesting quote from Classic NYer:

But that being said, perhaps I can show you another point of view. Take for example my brother, a stand -up individual raised by my mother and father with correct morals, treats his mother and two sisters with respect, graduated with degrees and working on another one, acts sensibly, never been to jail/gotten into drugs/did general dumbass criminal shit/etc… in other words, none of the damaged-beyond-repair symptoms that are often associated with black maleness.

It’s a little sad that there are some black women who have become so disillusioned by the bottom-of-the-barrel-negroes that they will look at any black man, even my brother, and all they will see is gangsta rap. I’m not saying, of course, that black women should be required to take a fine-toothed comb to our race before venturing out…

I myself am finding happiness right now with a non-black man… but it bothers me when I hear people say things like “I’m done with black men!” and I do hear this sometimes… and it speaks a couple volumes about our own damage when we become so jaded that we can’t see the black men in college because we’re blinded by the black men in jail… I say “to hell with them” if they can’t get their shit together… but what about my brother?

 

GoldenAh:

Thank you for this comment, Classic NYer. This brings up the flip side of the “watch out for the abusive, bad, and damaged beyond repair black males (DBR)” topical threads. I’m not going to talk about your brother, since I don’t know him. I will write solely from observation and experience.

Blog Purpose: Black Female Consumption

The reason why so much virtual ink is spent discussing black males, at times, is because a number of us still interact with so many of them. Obviously, there are good and bad folks in every group. The consistent theme here has been to urge black women to put as much physical, emotional, and mental distance between themselves and the toxic people in their lives. Statistically, the ones most likely to place them in grave danger happen to be black males.

We must remember that the goal is winnowing and thinning the herd of good from bad. Once the ladies physically move, then adjust to becoming emotionally detached, it becomes easier for them to think about the positive, uplifting, and affirming changes they want to make in their lives.

I too have stand-up, nice, good and great brothers, uncles, cousins and wonderful black men as friends and associates. Yet, if the ladies reading my blog, and others, decide that they cannot be bothered with black men in general, then that is their right. Perhaps they’re exhausted, wounded and weary from using a fine tooth comb, fishing in a tiny dirty pond, or dumpster diving for a decent black man. Some might even decide that from a statistical vantage looking for one would be an enormous waste of time. I cannot blame them.

I approach this topic from this perspective: what a black woman decides to do with her life ultimately has nothing to do with anyone, especially black men. He will matter if he is the one man who makes a concerted effort to be the special man in her life: a moral, decent, financially sound, emotionally mature, and responsible husband or friend.

Black Men Always Do What Suits Them

I don’t feel bothered, or disturbed when black women say that they are “done with black men”. If my brothers, uncles, cousins, and male friends felt they weren’t making headway with black women, I know they would promptly move onto Latinas, foreign-born black women, and non-black women without pause.

They would do it, because they aren’t concerned with my feelings or impressions about their women. They would do it, because as black men, they are quite willing to enjoy their prerogative to freely date and mate whomever they please.

Who black men decide to have as a life partner is really none of my business. They find happiness on their own terms. And I don’t take it upon myself to worry about who they want or who wants them. Black men, in general, never seem to have trouble finding a woman.

Fog of War

The ones who have a problem with dating and mating with whomever they desire are black women. A number of us haven’t truly embraced our freedoms 100% yet, which is why we still linger over black males and their issues. I gave that up well over a dozen years ago. I left my “black nationalism card” in a drawer to catch dust. I found it less complicated and emotionally bothersome to date Indian, white and Latino men than black men. I couldn’t handle the “fog of war” with them anymore. I had no interest in being cannon fodder or a combatant in their superficial “race war” with white men.

I’ve read and heard the complaint from black men that more than a few, if not all, black women aren’t “feeling” them for one particular reason or another. Well, just because he’s a nice guy, educated and speaks well it doesn’t entitle him to any black woman who happens to catch his eye. As women, we have millions of self-help books telling us to let go when “he’s just not that into you”. The opposite is also true. If a number of black women aren’t into him, he needs to let it – that feeling of entitlement – go.

The Reasons Why Multiply

The nice, good black guy might not accept this, but the following are some of the reasons for their lack of success with black women:

  1. He’s boring. Point blank.
  2. She’s not attracted: no zing, no tingle, at all. Why waste his time?
  3. He’s not her type. She finds his height, weight, complexion, sense of humor, level of sophistication or intelligence lacking.
  4. His self-esteem is low.
  5. Her self-esteem is low.
  6. He lacks the ability to court, entice, tantalize, and seduce a woman.
  7. He lacks a few of the qualities on her “must have” list.
  8. She only digs white, Asian or Latino guys.
  9. His social circle is of poor quality, insufficient or deficient.
  10. He lacks ambition.
  11. Embarrassingly cheap.
  12. Spends too much. Trying to purchase affection.
  13. He believes he’s mature, but he’s really quite childish.
  14. He’s passive-aggressive, and resorts to sarcasm when angry.
  15. Refuses to be candid, upfront, honest or blunt.
  16. Immediately clingy. Reeks of desperation.
  17. He who hesitates loses the game. Wants her to make all the first and last moves.
  18. Exhausting dead-weight. He’s indecisive, and wants her to decide everything.
  19. Every black woman is not his type, supportive, or “good enough” for him, but accuses every black woman of having “unrealistic expectations”.
  20. Very critical, and doles out compliments like a miser with money.
  21. Competitive with black women, and not other men.
  22. Jealous.
  23. Complains about “white people” all the time, with “white people” being only white men.
  24. Believes that an education, lack of a criminal record, employment, and being a black man entitles him to the good graces of all black women.
  25. Added 5/25 Single, but unavailable. In between women, living with a baby Momma and “looking”.
  26. Added 5/25 Lacking manners: a failure to express thoughtfulness or consideration.
  27. Added 5/25 Momma’s boy: treats his female relatives nice. The same can’t be said of how he treats other women.

It’s not a comprehensive list since it is culled from observation and experience. As we know one woman’s bore, could be another woman’s “steady Freddy”.

Black Men Have the Advantage

The fact is that black women with an education vastly outnumber educated black men. In a perfect world, starting in college all black women would like worship all the “nice good black men” and quickly snatch up each one. Let’s not forget these guys want to play around too. He will meet some that like him, and he’ll meet some that wont. If he’s expecting an easier time with black women due to the sex imbalance, it will not make a difference. If he’s expecting an easier path to dating black women due to the abusive bad guys, it will not make a difference.

The black women who write off black men might seem a massive amount due to the nature of these blogs. Yet, it is exaggerated since the fact remains that the number of black women dating interracially is minuscule.

Black men avail themselves to non-black women at a rate of 75% to black women with non-black men at 25%. The nice, good black males don’t have it so bad. They are living in the land of plenty where women of all races outnumber the men. If the nice, good black man is truly a worthy catch, he will have no trouble finding the right woman.

Eventually, the numbers will be on his side.

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Blogging and The Nature of Criticism

Email, Comments and Rules

The private stuff stays private, but I usually have two rules for posting an email:

  • It’s so on point about a specific subject, I want to share it.
  • It’s so irate and angry, usually towards my blog and myself, I want share a good laugh at the joke(r).

Regarding the comments section, it’s more or less an open-door policy.

Most comments go through automatically, because the administrative software will allow commenters based on a trusted ID. Once I approve your comment 99.93% percent of the time, you can come back to freely write and express yourself. I barely or rarely censor. Rarely.

Although through no fault of my own something goes awry, a few comments are held in a queue or sent to spam.

This is my domain. I pay for the site. Yay. I am mistress of my own domain! Hmm. That sounds so empowering, no? I’m a bit of a control freak, and the software gives me a lotta admin power! I love power!

Hmm. Power.

When a comment is awesome, I want to make it topic to run with. However, I get so many on point good comments, it’s becomes harder to decide. It’s a matter of breaking up a thread to start another. That can get tricky.

What Chu Say? The Illiterate’s Brain Fart

If a comment is out of bounds, I’ll give the person the exposure they deserve. Of the few posts I’ve put up, with regards to criticizing the blog or myself, they’re from the comments section. This is not an invitation to trolls.

Have you noticed that the irate are nearly always incoherent?

Folks enjoy upsetting themselves in a many manner of ways. They fume at words never written, but boy! are they certainly clever! to decipher what’s supposedly implied. Sort of a grand conspiracy of blogging: maybe they highlight invisible words by selecting the screen page to find the truth of what’s written. Made you look.

This is me: If I want to insult someone, I’ll use the exact words required. I don’t aim for subtle.

Idiotbook

Recently, one moron from Facebook, who is as bright as a box of hammers, sharp as a dull kinfe, polluted my email box. You wanna know what my first reaction was? Laughter. I responded with polite sarcasm.

Now, you may wonder, Why bother? Hey, I figure, what am I gonna be mad at? Feces is fertilizer. Right? Maybe there’s a nugget of wisdom to be discovered. Not.

I reply, because I feel sorry for the feeble minded. I don’t like beating up on the mentally handicapped.

Here’s the gimme: An angry email or comment tells me how much power I have over this person. They’ve wasted precious moments of their time to tell me nothing. To send me their mental upchuck. I love that kind of power.

I think I’ll conquer the world from here, blogging in my warm and comfy pajamas, with a nice cup of herbal tea by my side.

Criticism Is a Fundamental Good

I appreciate criticism. I welcome constructive, make it work, useful, thought provoking differences of opinions. That’s how we all learn. Trial and error. Through observation and analysis.

I’ve worked jobs where I get nervous if I’m not getting feedback that tells me where I’m going wrong (or right). I’ll request criticism. I need to know the correct dance moves. If I’m going left, while everyone else is going right, shouldn’t I be told the next steps? (In real life, I am horrible dancer.) I appreciate the “swim with the school of fishes” mantra as long as it fulfills my goals, metrics, deadlines and the like.

I do not pretend to know all the answers. I do not have this mindset that what I say is the last word on any subject.

I write observations, not absolutes. I’m not writing position papers. I’m not recruiting for a cause. (Unless it’s for the secret Black Women’s Illuminati. Remember that we don’t exist, okay?)

I write assertively, because I consider writing a tool. It needs to be sharpened. Repeatedly. I realize that this is the subtle distinction the fuming, irate, nitwits miss. I cannot raise their IQs, so it’s not on my agenda.

I blog as an intellectual exercise. It’s interesting and rather fun. And I’ll keep at it until I’m truly bored, and then I’ll stop. If you are helped by my words, that actually brings me joy. I like sharing my thoughts. I am sincerely greatful when you share yours with me.

Have a good one.

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I Hurt This Black Male’s Feelings. Weep For Him.

“Brian M.” has something to say. These are all his words.

This kinda stuff one cannot make up. :D

Go forth and tell us how you feel, kind Sir:

Now look let me say this up front I am not here to pick a fight with you or anything I just going to say this because whatever I say I will be wrong anyways to you. Me personally, I understand of what you are saying about us black men which is true and sad but let me be the first to tell you WE ARE ALL NOT LIKE THAT!!!!! I am sorry for what my brotha’s has done to black women and honestly if a bw wants to be with a wm I am not hating at all as long as she is happy then I am good I respect my black women and I am proud of you to become so successful as a career as a black woman no doubt. Further, I am here to say that even though I get reject sometimes by black woman but that doesn’t mean that I hate her it’s like hating on my mother or my sister…………. plus you expired me to make a website to show not only to america, our black women and society but to ourself that there are some good unicorns as you expected left in this nation true there a good few no good black men who ruin for all of us for every 15 good black men it takes 2 of them to bring them down. As so far as wm asking bm advise on how to treat a bw well for any matter I don’t ANY man should ask another for advise on how to treat 1 especially if you friend treats woman like crap so there you go. No I don’t wm males who takes a glance a bw. (All right got the good support stuff out the way)BUTTTTTTTTTT………….. Here is my problem with you. Okay kool you like white guys I get that but don’t label us black men as the devil. You have some nerves to make threads like these. Why can’t be other men from other races. You act like white don’t do nothing wrong and that they are perfect. It cracks me up that you that white are more committed to marriage and not ending up in divorce cout. I’ve seen more divorces from white couples then I do most black couples. You are something else (word to advise to other black women on here) if you are looking for love then love that person because you can get pass by the outside shell. I have white male friends that said to least treat their women like shit but you don’t talk about that do you (AND DON”T SAY THEY DONT BECAUSE YOU ARE FULL OF IT). When you are going to get it in you head that men are men and women are women true there are some trait when it comes to race but come on. You having these sista’s believing that we black males are evil as it comes. Now your probably asking yourself why if you website doesn’t bother me then why I am post a comment on here bashing and everything. It’s not that bw wants to find love in other races that gets me mad (like I said earlier as long as she is happy then I am kool with it as a matter of fact my childhood classmate who is white is married to a black woman and I treat him no different then anybody else) it’s the fact you continue to bash on black men like it ain’t nothing like we are all the same no class, no education, no self respect for himself or for his woman I can go on forever. ALL BLACK MEN DONT LIVE IN THE GHETTO, not all of us act that way, so you need to be realistic in words (but hey this is you website you probably have some smart remarks to say but if you are any kind of human then you will respect my opinion. Let me make a website to how much bm needs to be with a wm I bet I will get all kinds of hate mails. I get it YOU HATE BLACK MAN but the convience these sista’s that there are none or little black men. So let me ask you this how come it’s about love when comes to bw\wm relationship but when it comes to bm/ww relationship we have to be weak, hateful towards black women, sell-outs you get the big picture. I know that is a four page letter and didn’t even enclose it with a kiss but I am calling you out email me back or you can just ignore it (which you probably will) and make it seems like i am just another angry black man just because a white guy has taking another black woman yeah yeah yeah. Oh I trust me I had more to say but I think that this is enough. You are the biggest hypocrit, bitter, sour sell out black woman I ever heard in my life but do I hate you for it NOPE……. You need to be one-hundred to these black women on here AND STOP JUDGING us black males like that it’s not even cute at all it makes you look even dumbe. Black women love whatever man that loves you black, white, latino, asian, indian whatever!!!!!!!! Please stop listening to this woman (now she I didn’t disrespect you are anything I just the creator how it is.)

Brian M.

GoldenAh: Say what?

Nothing personal Brian, but long rants like yours bore me.

You need to realize, I don’t care about your opinion(s). I don’t know you. You ain’t my peeps. The only black men I care about are family. But I don’t worry after them like children, because all of them know how to be a Man. They handle their business. In other words, they’re normal.

Your black male entitlement credit card isn’t accepted here. You cannot buy pity, sympathy, respect, or a facsimile of your imaginary “black community” here.

The current disaster of the “black community”, whether rural or urban, rests on the shoulders of you and your “brothas”. Not those of black women. The notion of a black matriarchal society, community, and culture is a myth. They’ve never existed. What’s going on is black male abandonment. Own it.

It’s a man’s world, and this entire mess belongs to y’all.

Furthermore, your issues are your problem. Some of y’all think you’re slick trying to get any, and all, black women worked up over your unresolved manhood issues. I’m not one of them.

You cannot make me feel guilty or sorry for you (and you are pitiful), because I’ve noticed – all of my life – how black males treat black women. Everyone notices. It’s a secret everyone knows: Google the stats – they’re easy to find.

Black women not talking about it won’t make it go away.

You’re bothered that the sistas come here and testify as to just how rotten, creepy, deadly, and sick some of y’all are. They come, because they can speak freely. They can no longer be guilt tripped into silence. No longer do they believe that “victimized” black males should be entitled, allowed or enabled to stomp and grind a black woman’s brains, dignity, color or complexion, beauty, “spicy” personality, and self-esteem into dust. Whereby this brutality towards black women somehow results in a re-built Utopian “black community”.

It don’t work no more.

Their stories show they are emancipated. They have moved on: mentally, emotionally, physically and financially. We all have. And more will join them. That’s why you’re squealing. You’re the proverbial pig that got struck.

You black males need to adjust to this fact: your competition has never been, and never will be, black women, it is other men. And black women don’t need y’all.

Their relationship goal(s) aren’t about scraping the same filthy bowl swapping pitiful, useless, and damaged beyond repair (dbr) black males for abusive white men. No, these women’s standards are higher. The non-black men black women decide to be with fits their criteria. It has nothing to do with a perceived shortage of black males. It’s simply that a majority of black males no longer measure up.

Who black women date, mate and marry is their business. Why they date, mate and marry non-black men is their business. They don’t need, or require, black male acceptance or permission. Your opinion and approval don’t mean jack. Their reasons for liking and loving non-black men don’t have to go through a Negro Interracial Committee acceptance vote.

So, mind your own business from now on.

You gonna need to take the same attitude a lot of black women take towards those who’ve made billions selling the world degrading rap(e) music – realize that the words negroes, bitch-ass-niggas, and stories of how badly these bastards treat others – don’t always apply to oneself.

In other words, if they ain’t talkin’ about you, then it ain’t about you.

And I will continue to blog what I want to blog about.

Consider that advice to help you sleep at night, you poor, distressed, little child.

Cheers. 😀

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