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Our Cinderella Has Blossomed: Monae Gives Us An Update

Posted on | February 4, 2011 | 22 Comments

I love good news. I love to hear when things are looking up for young black women. Monae is a contributor  from an older thread, For Black Women: Why White Men are a Better Choice. She asked for help and received a delightful outpouring of advice.

Here’s an update from our young lady:

OMG, it’s been so long since I’ve been back here, I’m gonna bring you all up to date RIGHT NOW!

The last time I was here in June last year I wrote this,

###########################

Hi everyone!

Just wanted to let you know what happened. I got a laptop because my manager who is a really nice geeky white guy just gave me his laptop when he got a new one! It’s not even 2 years old and it’s nice! And I interviewed at a couple of places as a temp office employee which lots of times leads to a permanent positon so if that happens I will move out immediately.

Thank you for all of your advice.

Nothing on the dating scene yet. Thanks everybody!

########################

I got a job as a sales assistant as a temp, which was my third temp job and they just hired me as permanent on Jan 2. I’m going to go for the sales coordinator job next which is not that much better than what I’m doing now, but its a step up and I can do it so easy. I’ve been looking at apartments on the Metro line cause I still don’t have a car and won’t have a car for a long time, so I have to take the train or the bus. Apartments are expensive so I’m thinking about sharing an apartment but the three I called are all white girls and I’m scared to room with a white girl. What if I do something that I don’t even know is bad and then she hates me? I mean I’d like to have a white girl for a roomate but I’s afraid it won’t work out. So I don’t know. I haven’t told my mother yet that I’m going to move out, and that is till gonna be a problem, a big problem.

Here’s the biggest news of all though. The second temp job I worked at a white boy asked me on a date when we all went out together after work! We’re still together! He’s my boyfriend now! He’s really nice, he gave me a beautiful coat, boots and a hat for Christmas cause he saw me shivering all the time, and we go to the movies and out to dinner. I haven’t taken him to my neighborhood yet and my mother doesn’t know that I’m dating a white boy but I’ve met his mother and she’s nice. And now I know why people get so crazy about sex but don’t worry he always has protection but wow.

Things are turning around for me but I’m scared cause my mom will just be so mad when she finds out I’m going to move out AND I’m dating a devil white boy. I have to tell her soon.

Thats how it is and thank you again for encouraging me. I feel like I’m on my way up now and all I needed was a chance and I don’t plan on going back down again. My boyfriend says I could do college so easy and I think that’s what I’m going to do next.

{{Big hug.}} Congratulations on your progress and finding a delightful young man, Monae. 😀

Please be very very careful with regards to sex. Remember your own emotional and physical protection as well. That’s first and foremost.

As for finding an apartment: it’ll be your hard-earned money contributing to the rent. You are not subordinate or inferior to your potential roommate. Be polite, but keep in mind that she’s your equal, not your judge and jury. 🙂

Don’t be afraid to ask questions of your future roommate, share what troubles you, and let her tell you what would trouble her. Having a clear line of communication is best. This is just  another woman you are living with, and you two may learn something from each other. As long as she’s an open minded respectful person, I don’t think there would be a problem.

Ladies, if you have something to add…. 😀

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22 Responses to “Our Cinderella Has Blossomed: Monae Gives Us An Update”

  1. vonnie
    February 4th, 2011 @ 9:38 PM

    you definitely shouldn’t narrow your roommate choices by race! what if you get black girls who cause drama because you date interracially or who aren’t open minded? no matter what race, check for the character of a roommate, won’t steal, won’t have random riff raff around, etc…that’s what matters! good luck and your bf sounds like a gem 🙂

    GoldenAh: Good point, Vonnie. Monae doesn’t need drama from anybody right now.

  2. trish
    February 4th, 2011 @ 11:51 PM

    He certainly does sound like a gem. Anyone that encourages you to be your best self is worth keeping. Be careful about picking a roomate (ask for references). Congrats on everything.

    GoldenAh: And he introduces her to his mother? That’s awesome. 😀

    Thanks for the tip, Trish.

  3. Yellow Moon
    February 5th, 2011 @ 12:51 PM

    Monae, you’re back like a blast froom the past! So glad to hear from you again.

    I went back and read your first and seconf posts, so I’m prepared.

    Congratualtions on getting the ha-yell out of Long John Silvers, first of all. Although I hope you still keep in touch with your ex-manager there who gave you his old laptop. That was very generous, and I hope you were remembering that when you were looking at jobs and apartments, and NOT having to go the library to use the computer.

    I’m happy you found someone special, baby girl. He sounds like he’s very nice and very supportive. But just be aware that sometimes things don’t work out like you hope, it doesn’t mean the end of the world, it just is the way life is. I’m not saying it’s going to end, but just don’t think this is the be-all, end-all. Just enjoy yourself in your first love affair.

    And don’t worry about having a white roomate, in fact, I think you should do that. It would be a great experience for you since you have so little experience around white people. I know your boyfriend is white, but I’m talking about regular social interaction with white people. Those are skills you’re going to need and use. Don’t worry about embarassing yourself – it’ll be fine and if it’s not, then any faux pas will be minor, believe me. You’re worrying about this way too much. Just choose carefully and don’t room with a sociopath, lol.

    And, OMG, get yourself in college for sure. I agree with your boyfriend, you could knock that out quick!

    Now, on going back to your old neighborhood – why don’t you push that back, way back? Let your man get to know you for a long while, so that he is able to keep the goodness that is you separate from your orgins. Believe me, I speak from experience. You don’t want to overwhelm the guy with too much “keepin it real”.

    Monae, enjoy yourself and congratulations!

    GoldenAh: I love this feedback, because you offer perspectives that escape me.

    Thank you so much for the advice, Yellow Moon. 😀

  4. Oshun/Aphrodite
    February 5th, 2011 @ 4:51 PM

    Congrats Monae!

    This is awesome news! The guy sound really sweet!

    I wanted to 2nd what Yellow Moon says. If it doesn’t work out – it is not the end of the world. And you have an awesome yardstick to measure other men by, considering this is one of your first experiences with men, i.e. this guy is doing as he should in demonstrating those normal male behaviors of protecting and provision.

    I think the fact that your potential roommates are open to a BW says a lot about them. I also think you should go for it. Nevermind they are white. You want/need to be in a safe neighborhood.

    Roommie situations will always have some “moments” as you are living with other people. Think about when you lived with your family. That is a part of the normal give and take of living with someone.

    I would say really get to know them. Find out what kind of people they are. Do they seem to have any drug issues or hang out with folks of that type etc? Are these ride or die white chicks?

    Have you been through the neighborhood in the evening? What does your bf think of the neighborhood?

    Where are their finances coming from? Work, student loans, parents? Do they seem financially responsible? What kind of lease terms are they presenting? Are you going to be on the lease? Are you subletting from them? Look into the legalities of this. Do they have renters insurance? Will you need it? How will the utilities be split?

    Are you ready for the credit check if you will be placed on the lease? Do you have recs?

    What are their policies on guests? Cooking/food and cleaning? Are they clean?

    etc..

    Your mom will get over it. Trust me. She will be upset and probably try to pull a few shenangins. There may be some DBR types in your fam who will throw shade, but trust – they will get over it.

    Wishing you well!

    GoldenAh: Fantastic advice, Oshun/Aphrodite! You’ve offered a very good “Crazy White Girl” checklist. I forget they have their own particular issues. Some are very nice, but others define “nut” in nutjob. 😀

    I also don’t think anyone should ever ask Monae for her social security number or birth date, unless it’s a big company checking her credit score.

  5. Yellow Moon
    February 6th, 2011 @ 3:06 AM

    Oshun/Aphrodite said:

    “Your mom will get over it. Trust me. She will be upset and probably try to pull a few shenangins. There may be some DBR types in your fam who will throw shade, but trust – they will get over it.”

    I say:

    I went back and read Monae’s first comments again, and Monae, I had forgotten just how bad your mother is about you moving out. Oshun is right, your mother is going to pull out the big guns in terms of tears and histrionics. Try not to get in a shouting match with her; just be firm and resolute. And of course, she’s going to enlist the aid of relatives or friends to get you to change your mind. But Oshun/Aprhodite is right, they will definitely get over it. And if they don’t, tough. I’m not saying that to be flip; it’s just you have to keep going on the path you’re on, up and out of the abyss. Don’t let guilt or fear of the unknown drag you backwards.

    Concerning you dropping the bombshell about your IR dating, I’m not even sure where to start with that one. Your description of her sounds as if that news is going to throw her for a loop and then after that, it will simply be the cut that won’t heal. At least not for awhile, anyway. A long while. Again, deep breath, chin up, eyes front, and keep marching forward. When I went out with my first white boyfriend, my mother said she’d never talk to me again. That was a long time ago, and a few boyfriends back; now she is pestering me about when she can expect some grandchildren from me and my white husband. Of course, the fact that he’s repaired almost everything in her whole damn house (and painted it!) and took her along with us when we went to Argentina last year (and paid for everything!) might have had some influence on her attitude, lol.

    So sometimes these loud declarations of “never” or “unforgivable” have a way of losing their punch and fading away. Animosity ebbs away bit by bit when they see you have a good man. But, yeah, it could take years and years for that to happen.

    Be strong. These storms will pass.

    GoldenAh: Again, such excellent advice. Thank you, Yellow Moon. 😀

  6. NYCLisa
    February 6th, 2011 @ 7:02 PM

    Well, it took me quite awhile to scroll through all those comments on that other post to find Monae’s comments, but I think I have the gist of it and the timeline.

    Monae, I just want to say, you got a shot that a lot of young black girls are not going to get, and that is a chance to get out of a hell-hole neighborhood and escape a cycle of generational failure, and you need to do whatever you have to in order to keep that roll going. DO NOT LOOK BACK.

    And, congratulations on your forward movement so far. Do it, girl.

    GoldenAh: Ditto. Couldn’t agree more, thank you for the input NYCLisa. 😀

    There’s always a risk that we feel secure with what we know, even if it’s hellish, than the unknown. We have to embrace the future, and our dreams.

  7. Bernice
    February 6th, 2011 @ 8:07 PM

    “you definitely shouldn’t narrow your roommate choices by race! what if you get black girls who cause drama because you date interracially or who aren’t open minded?”

    THIS.

    This is a lot more likely than getting some kind of grief from a white girl.

    Not to mention, who knows what kind of guests (overnight or otherwise, male or female) she would have in and out of there? You could be opening yourself up to sexual harassment from her male friends and just plain old harassment from her female friends because you’re not fitting in with their template of what a black should do, a or wear, or listen to, or who she should date, etc.

    And there’s always the chance of some illegal activity she might tolerate in order to “support” her man and have his back. Because you know a true “ride and die” sister always supports her man, no matter what…

    GoldenAh: That’s an interesting and valid point, with a white woman it’s likely she’s either open to a black roommate or not. The worst case would be a mutual PMS woman thing sometimes, after excluding the psychos. 😀

    Hmmm. I hadn’t thought of all the potential issues with other black women. It’s sad, really. I believe they would have an “acting black” mindset, or what I call “Black Male Identification Disorder (BMID)”. I’ve had situations where I’d express admiration for a hot white man in the company of another black woman, and it’s like I was breaking some secret “black males only” negress code. That crap works my nerve.

    So yeah, I agree – Monae’s ambition and intelligence would make her a target for a crab in the barrel.

    Thanks for the feedback and advice, Bernice. 😀

  8. Bernice
    February 6th, 2011 @ 8:15 PM

    Oops, meant to say, “you’re not fitting in with their template of what a black girl should do”.

    Anyway, yeah, IMO you’re better off rooming with a white girl, considering what is going on in your life. Sorry, but that’s the way I feel, you can’t afford to possibly room with a crab that’s going to try to pull you down. Don’t chance it.

    GoldenAh: You’re correct: she can’t risk it. It’s a shame, but now-and-forever she’s gotta keep the toxic people away.

  9. Patricia Kayden
    February 7th, 2011 @ 8:36 AM

    @Monae:

    You’ve taken some good first steps. We wish you all the best and look forward to hearing about you graduating from college, getting a great job, getting your first place, getting hitched etc., etc.

    You are moving in the right direction — go forth!! It’s always nice to read about BW living well.

    GoldenAh: Hear, hear, Patricia! 🙂

    Whether it’s big steps or small, I like LOVE to read about OUR progress. There’s enough negativity out there aimed at us.

  10. NYCLisa
    February 7th, 2011 @ 11:03 AM

    Just want to add, there is no shame in starting school at a community college. Do the first year, or two years, at a community college, get into the rhythm of school, get those credit hours on the cheap, and then finish up at a four-year school. The only thing that will be on your resume in the future will be your bachelors degree from your 4-year college, no one will ever see those community college courses or credit hours.

    GoldenAh: True. I went to community college followed by a 4 year school. I worked during the summer. At my 4 year school, the Co-Op (cooperative opportunity) program got me my 1st professional job. Co-Ops are great for transitioning into the workforce: one gains viable skills, references, and a great leg up over everyone. I completed my degree with a FT job; I left college with very little debt. Another job paid for my master’s degree.



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