Narcissism for Black Women: The Very Good and Healthy Expression of Deep Self-Love, and Extreme Self-Devotion. Why? Because It's Good For Ya! And Sometimes I Write about Natural Hair, Among Other Things

pithy quote goes here

The Nice Good Black Man

Posted on | May 21, 2011 | 45 Comments

Using an interesting quote from Classic NYer:

But that being said, perhaps I can show you another point of view. Take for example my brother, a stand -up individual raised by my mother and father with correct morals, treats his mother and two sisters with respect, graduated with degrees and working on another one, acts sensibly, never been to jail/gotten into drugs/did general dumbass criminal shit/etc… in other words, none of the damaged-beyond-repair symptoms that are often associated with black maleness.

It’s a little sad that there are some black women who have become so disillusioned by the bottom-of-the-barrel-negroes that they will look at any black man, even my brother, and all they will see is gangsta rap. I’m not saying, of course, that black women should be required to take a fine-toothed comb to our race before venturing out…

I myself am finding happiness right now with a non-black man… but it bothers me when I hear people say things like “I’m done with black men!” and I do hear this sometimes… and it speaks a couple volumes about our own damage when we become so jaded that we can’t see the black men in college because we’re blinded by the black men in jail… I say “to hell with them” if they can’t get their shit together… but what about my brother?



Thank you for this comment, Classic NYer. This brings up the flip side of the “watch out for the abusive, bad, and damaged beyond repair black males (DBR)” topical threads. I’m not going to talk about your brother, since I don’t know him. I will write solely from observation and experience.

Blog Purpose: Black Female Consumption

The reason why so much virtual ink is spent discussing black males, at times, is because a number of us still interact with so many of them. Obviously, there are good and bad folks in every group. The consistent theme here has been to urge black women to put as much physical, emotional, and mental distance between themselves and the toxic people in their lives. Statistically, the ones most likely to place them in grave danger happen to be black males.

We must remember that the goal is winnowing and thinning the herd of good from bad. Once the ladies physically move, then adjust to becoming emotionally detached, it becomes easier for them to think about the positive, uplifting, and affirming changes they want to make in their lives.

I too have stand-up, nice, good and great brothers, uncles, cousins and wonderful black men as friends and associates. Yet, if the ladies reading my blog, and others, decide that they cannot be bothered with black men in general, then that is their right. Perhaps they’re exhausted, wounded and weary from using a fine tooth comb, fishing in a tiny dirty pond, or dumpster diving for a decent black man. Some might even decide that from a statistical vantage looking for one would be an enormous waste of time. I cannot blame them.

I approach this topic from this perspective: what a black woman decides to do with her life ultimately has nothing to do with anyone, especially black men. He will matter if he is the one man who makes a concerted effort to be the special man in her life: a moral, decent, financially sound, emotionally mature, and responsible husband or friend.

Black Men Always Do What Suits Them

I don’t feel bothered, or disturbed when black women say that they are “done with black men”. If my brothers, uncles, cousins, and male friends felt they weren’t making headway with black women, I know they would promptly move onto Latinas, foreign-born black women, and non-black women without pause.

They would do it, because they aren’t concerned with my feelings or impressions about their women. They would do it, because as black men, they are quite willing to enjoy their prerogative to freely date and mate whomever they please.

Who black men decide to have as a life partner is really none of my business. They find happiness on their own terms. And I don’t take it upon myself to worry about who they want or who wants them. Black men, in general, never seem to have trouble finding a woman.

Fog of War

The ones who have a problem with dating and mating with whomever they desire are black women. A number of us haven’t truly embraced our freedoms 100% yet, which is why we still linger over black males and their issues. I gave that up well over a dozen years ago. I left my “black nationalism card” in a drawer to catch dust. I found it less complicated and emotionally bothersome to date Indian, white and Latino men than black men. I couldn’t handle the “fog of war” with them anymore. I had no interest in being cannon fodder or a combatant in their superficial “race war” with white men.

I’ve read and heard the complaint from black men that more than a few, if not all, black women aren’t “feeling” them for one particular reason or another. Well, just because he’s a nice guy, educated and speaks well it doesn’t entitle him to any black woman who happens to catch his eye. As women, we have millions of self-help books telling us to let go when “he’s just not that into you”. The opposite is also true. If a number of black women aren’t into him, he needs to let it – that feeling of entitlement – go.

The Reasons Why Multiply

The nice, good black guy might not accept this, but the following are some of the reasons for their lack of success with black women:

  1. He’s boring. Point blank.
  2. She’s not attracted: no zing, no tingle, at all. Why waste his time?
  3. He’s not her type. She finds his height, weight, complexion, sense of humor, level of sophistication or intelligence lacking.
  4. His self-esteem is low.
  5. Her self-esteem is low.
  6. He lacks the ability to court, entice, tantalize, and seduce a woman.
  7. He lacks a few of the qualities on her “must have” list.
  8. She only digs white, Asian or Latino guys.
  9. His social circle is of poor quality, insufficient or deficient.
  10. He lacks ambition.
  11. Embarrassingly cheap.
  12. Spends too much. Trying to purchase affection.
  13. He believes he’s mature, but he’s really quite childish.
  14. He’s passive-aggressive, and resorts to sarcasm when angry.
  15. Refuses to be candid, upfront, honest or blunt.
  16. Immediately clingy. Reeks of desperation.
  17. He who hesitates loses the game. Wants her to make all the first and last moves.
  18. Exhausting dead-weight. He’s indecisive, and wants her to decide everything.
  19. Every black woman is not his type, supportive, or “good enough” for him, but accuses every black woman of having “unrealistic expectations”.
  20. Very critical, and doles out compliments like a miser with money.
  21. Competitive with black women, and not other men.
  22. Jealous.
  23. Complains about “white people” all the time, with “white people” being only white men.
  24. Believes that an education, lack of a criminal record, employment, and being a black man entitles him to the good graces of all black women.
  25. Added 5/25 Single, but unavailable. In between women, living with a baby Momma and “looking”.
  26. Added 5/25 Lacking manners: a failure to express thoughtfulness or consideration.
  27. Added 5/25 Momma’s boy: treats his female relatives nice. The same can’t be said of how he treats other women.

It’s not a comprehensive list since it is culled from observation and experience. As we know one woman’s bore, could be another woman’s “steady Freddy”.

Black Men Have the Advantage

The fact is that black women with an education vastly outnumber educated black men. In a perfect world, starting in college all black women would like worship all the “nice good black men” and quickly snatch up each one. Let’s not forget these guys want to play around too. He will meet some that like him, and he’ll meet some that wont. If he’s expecting an easier time with black women due to the sex imbalance, it will not make a difference. If he’s expecting an easier path to dating black women due to the abusive bad guys, it will not make a difference.

The black women who write off black men might seem a massive amount due to the nature of these blogs. Yet, it is exaggerated since the fact remains that the number of black women dating interracially is minuscule.

Black men avail themselves to non-black women at a rate of 75% to black women with non-black men at 25%. The nice, good black males don’t have it so bad. They are living in the land of plenty where women of all races outnumber the men. If the nice, good black man is truly a worthy catch, he will have no trouble finding the right woman.

Eventually, the numbers will be on his side.



45 Responses to “The Nice Good Black Man”

  1. halima
    May 21st, 2011 @ 8:36 AM

    i enjoyed this post goldenah

    i wonder why bw are so concerned about observing ‘good black woman codes’ so much instead of just getting on with life. I am not saying that the commentor is such a person but i have noticed bw tend to always try to be moral and observe black moral codes even if others could careless!

    No black man is going to fall over dead because a bw didnt acknowledged his ‘goodness’. I mean if that was the case there would be scores of bw dead this minute given how so many wonderful ones are passed over everyday.

    why are bw so focussed on moralizing and upholdng an unequally practiced moral code in bc. as you said bm are hardly hurting for mates and if anyone, it is bm doing the overlooking but then bw just have to do the right thing, we are obsessed with it! Excesive morality is often a cover for something else.

    And I agree that bw shouldnt worry about searching out the good black men anymore.

    let the black man do the searching this time. if he wants a black woman let him approach and show what he’s got. bw should totally forget about wasting time trying to identify ‘good ones’. the energy and effort expended is more justified on the part of bm doing the work!

    GoldenAh: Hello Halima, how are you? Great to hear from you. Thank you for stopping by and providing feedback. :D

    I agree with you. Some of us are too busy studying how to be good when we ought to be concerned with our own well being, even if it makes us appear selfish and self-centered. I feel there’s nothing wrong with putting ourselves first. The guys already have it made. They left the barn many decades ago, carrying on and pleasing themselves. We need to do the same, and stop worrying about water under the bridge. There’s no benefit in it.

    I feel part of this concern may be guilt. Yet no black woman should feel guilty for fully embracing the one life she has to live. I don’t feel it’s worthwhile to congratulate whatever number of black men out there that are good. Like you said, if they exist let them find the good black women to complement them. We have too much work to do already. :)

  2. Lisa
    May 21st, 2011 @ 10:54 AM

    I knew you would bring it, Betty. :)

    I can so identify with this part… If the nice, good black man is truly a worthy catch, he will have no trouble finding the right woman.

    This is why I can’t bring myself to get worked up over any BW who might say that they’re no longer dating BM. I know I mentioned my brother before, but I have ZERO concern about his ability to find a mate whenever he gets to the point when he’s ready to marry. He is what most would consider to be a “good black man,” and yes, he has dated black and non-black women. There are PLENTY of single black women out there who certainly would not look past him, and he probably can have his pick from the group, if he’s so inclined. Or he might pick non-black… whatever he decides, I can guarantee that I don’t need to waste a second trying to convince BW that he’s “one of the good ones,” or say, “see, not all black men are bad, look at my brother!”

    BUT… as you also said and as I learned quickly in my dating life, just because a “good black man” is single doesn’t mean he’s available. There are plenty of these types who know they don’t have to be in a rush to settle down, because whether they’re 27 or 37, there will be PLENTY of quality black women available for them to date because of the overall numbers shortage and then the disparity in college-educated BM compared to similar BW. I was surrounded by “good BM” when I was single, but did any of them try to court me? Nope. And I don’t take it personally… but they weren’t trying to get serious with ANYONE at the time, and if I really wanted them, I probably would have had to wait about 5-7 years until they turned 35 or so before they became serious prospects. And why should any woman have to wait when there are plenty of men who are ready to marry you right now?

    The existence of “good black men” should make no difference in an individual BW’s dating/mating choices. She doesn’t need to be reminded that “good black men” exist. I’m sure she knows that, and if she wants any of them, she could certainly find them.

    GoldenAh: They date so many women – such a large variety – I don’t bother to keep count. And then there are the ones searching hard for a wife, who find her rather quickly. Yet, black men have the lowest rates of marriage. So who’s zooming who?

    Lisa, you make an excellent point about the time tables. Black men will have no problem using up the youth of a black woman, making her wait, and she allows it. ‘Cause we’ve all heard about those 7 to 15 year “boyfriends”, as she lets opportunities to find a better man slip through her hands. The women wait because they’ve been told – there are very few good black men around, and this guy is as good as you’ll get. Even the most saintly man will take advantage.

    Thank you for your contribution, Lisa. :)

  3. Jamila
    May 21st, 2011 @ 12:00 PM

    ‘Cause we’ve all heard about those 7 to 15 year “boyfriends”, as she lets opportunities to find a better man slip through her hands.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one that has seen this phenomenon too many times to count.

    Scene:Black women meets black, both are in their late teens or early 20′s. Black women spends the next 10 to 15 years waiting on the black man to marry her. Meanwhile, they have 2 or 3 kids, live together, etc. Finally, black men hits 35 and announces that he is not going to marry her EVER and the relationship breaks off. Unfortunately for the black woman, she has now spent the best years of her youth with a man who was wasting her time from the very beginning and she can never get those years back.

    I’ve seen this pattern occur over and over and over again. The last black guy who approached me admitted he played the exact same ‘scam’–my word, not his–on the woman he spent 14 years with. Now he’s running the ‘marriage is spiritual, and we don’t need no piece of paper to validate our love’ scam. As soon as I heard this negro utter the magical phrase ‘marriage is spiritual’ I completely wrote him off, even for friendship and networking opportunitites.

    GoldenAh: And it is nice, good black men doing this! We know them, don’t we? They have stable jobs, they are educated, you name it, but they have women dangling like this. This is because she’s faced with a scarcity mentality: he’s the best thing I have and I can’t let him go. The women are so loyal, it’s crazy. They go through a decade plus of waiting … for nothing. What a shame.

    Let’s be honest about something else: the nice, good guys follow the advice of and make friends with the abusive ones. They admire these guys with the multiple girlfriends and children. They believe that drug dealers and thugs are “alpha males” or “authentically black”.

    Jamila, you’ve hit on something else. Just how easy is it to find a black guy over 30 to 35 without children?

    Thanks for the feedback. :)

  4. funkystarkitty50
    May 21st, 2011 @ 5:25 PM

    Some men will take advantage of you for as long as you allow. I have a cousin who had a “boyfriend” for 20years in a long distance relationship. She wanted kids and wanted to get married, but he kept putting it off. She later broke up with him after she found out he was cheating. Meanwhile her child bearing years are em gone because of him. She probably passed up some great guys who would have married her years ago, but she let this DBR keep her hanging for “his convenience.

    GoldenAh: I believe the key to improving the relationship between black women and men is for the women to be more stringent. She has to protect herself by issuing rules and deadlines. She loses her advantage by letting him get over. Your story here is the perfect example of that.

    Thank you for your comments, Funkystarkitty50. :)

  5. Daphne
    May 21st, 2011 @ 6:42 PM

    You ever notice how genuinely good/nice men rarely describe themselves as such? Their actions and behavior speak for themselves.

    This reminded me of part of a comment I made on another site. It was a different topic, street harassment, but still applicable:

    A black woman doesn’t have to equivocate (i.e. there are good black men) when she rarely, if ever, interacts with said men or witnesses said men in action.

    In other words, one woman’s reality may not be another’s. I mean, if you only HEAR about the GBM, but never see them, as if they’re mystical creatures of whom others whisper, but rarely, if ever, see with your own eyes (purple unicorns!)……then yeah, I understand why a woman may not factor that in when she’s considering romantic prospects. That’s why I rarely mention that I know good black men. Heck, I know trifling ones as well. How does that help a woman trying to find the best mate for her?

    Ultimately, I think any black woman has a right to exercise her agency – if she chooses to date/marry only black men, that’s per prerogative; hopefully she realizes that doesn’t mean black men will automatically want to date/marry her. If she chooses to date any good man, regardless of race, that’s her prerogative. And if she chooses to exclude black men as romantic prospects….again, her prerogative.

    I suspect that many people conflate excluding black men (or being open to all races) with bashing black men, when one may have nothing to do with the other

    GoldenAh: We could have a ton of them (GBM) as best buddies, and knowing how they are would never consider them as husband material in a million years.

    But the thing is, to emphasis your point: no black woman owes anyone an explanation as to why she doesn’t want or wants a GBM. That’s her business. She’s free to choose. The GBM and all the others do it every waking second of their lives.

    LOL. Purple unicorns! Daphne, you are so bad! and on point as usual. :D

  6. Candice
    May 21st, 2011 @ 7:08 PM

    Excellent post. It’s about common sense and critical thinking in every area of life but especially when it comes to life partners. Bottom line toxic people cause harm and should be avoided at all costs in all areas.

    People are lazy and do not want to do the work critical thinking/discernment requires or take responsibility for their choices. It is easier to lump a group together based on a characteristic than to take each person as they come and evaluate them on their own merit.

    As for what will happen to the “nice good black man” the same thing that will happen to “nice good woman/man” they will exercise sound judgement and eliminate/minimize the contact with and the impact of toxic people in their lives or they won’t. If they adapt – learn and process the lessons learned and move on they will survive and thrive otherwise they will be casualties in the game called life. Each person must navigate life on their own – no one can do it for them.

    Speaking directly to the point “nice good men” color, creed or culture does not matter – they will do what men have always done//(were born to do) they will adapt, be resilient and strive and compete to achieve and prove their worth as suitors – protectors and providers for women or they will be alone and do without. If they are lucky the will meet misguided women w/out sense of self preservation, respect and or esteem who will settle, rescue or feel sorry for them or they will devolve into angry, bitter, weak, emotional vampires and resource sucking leeches, in short oxygen thieves who will damage and drain the life (time, youth, energy, spirituality, vitality money, emotion etc.out of anyone they come in contact with that is willing to let them.

    The key is to not be that woman who let’s them. Don’t let other peoples well being be more important to you then it is to them. People do what they need to do; spend energy on what matters to them. If it does not matter to them enough to invest no sense in you wasting time, though or energy on it!

    GoldenAh: Fantastic comment, Candice. Welcome aboard. :)

    You bring up something that irritates me a bit about the “nice good men” qualifier when it comes to black men. Why are they sometimes offered up as an object of pity if a minuscule tiny portion of black women say they aren’t interested? I’m puzzled as to why that’s such a big deal. Are people worried that the idea might spread and black women will act like black men?

    There are black men unapologetically having babies with black women, and when they get a football / baseball / basketball / movie / job contract let it be known that they are looking for a pale-skinned wife. They’re the same ones running around complaining about gold-diggers, when they’re just denigrating the women that stuck with them when they were broke.

    Feeling sorry for a guy is not the basis of a relationship. A black woman needs an adult as a life partner, not a man-child. And there are too many of those walking about.

  7. Southland Diva
    May 21st, 2011 @ 7:36 PM

    It is likely Classic NYer’s brother has expanded his options with regard to his dating pool and is not experiencing a shortage of eligible women.

    Likewise, bw should do the same. Expand the range of options. This does not mean bw should accept DBR men of any color. Discernement must be practiced and losers, low value, damaged, deluded and deranged men must be removed from consideration.


    GoldenAh: The list of 24 turn-off qualities could apply to men of all races. The only major difference I’ve noticed is that most of the other guys are very serious when it comes to having kids, either they want them or don’t. And if there are children, those are “his” kids. Like you are “his” wife. The possessiveness and caretaker mentality is way way different.

    Always great to hear from you, Southland Diva. :D

  8. Jamila
    May 21st, 2011 @ 7:47 PM

    Jamila, you’ve hit on something else. Just how easy is it to find a black guy over 30 to 35 without children?

    I just turned 28 so most of the guys I’m interested in dating are in the 26 to 32 range. The particular fellow I mentioned above happened to be late 30′s. He just struck up a conversation with me in the bookstore. He was definitely the type who would see himself as a ‘good black man’: he had a bachelor’s degree in film, talked about Africa–even had the ankh on his necklace, lol–and then started telling me about his two kids with this woman he never intended to marry…Then he started talking about how he didn’t need a piece a piece of paper to prove anything to other people about his relationship.

    His age had pretty much already disqualified him as far as I was concerned and then as he kept talking I just liked him less and less. He asked me to friend him on facebook and I saw on his page that his status said he was already in a relationship. I saw this black womans picture and everything!

    My days of actively trying to find ‘purple unicornus manus’ to satisfy the needs of other people who want me to be with a black man are OVA!!!

    GoldenAh: Oh, you are the perfect age. The world is yours. :)

    Guys like that want to practice “African” polygamy, but without the full responsibility and the money.

    Good for you. Your eyes and ears are wide open. Don’t ever give ‘em a chance. They will ruin your life in a heartbeat. That’s their specialty.

  9. rainebeaux
    May 21st, 2011 @ 7:49 PM

    Daphne: I mean, if you only HEAR about the GBM, but never see them, as if they’re mystical creatures of whom others whisper, but rarely, if ever, see with your own eyes (purple unicorns!)……then yeah, I understand why a woman may not factor that in when she’s considering romantic prospects.

    Interesting you said this part, as I made this point very briefly in the previous post.

    Moreover, as you all have touched on, it comes down to common sense and an exercise in critical thinking. This may also include–le gasp!–going on a nature hike in your own brain/heart, putting dating aside for a while.

    GoldenAh: Thank you for your comment and stopping by, Rainebeaux. :D

  10. Jamila
    May 21st, 2011 @ 7:50 PM

    And another thing, the black men that I have found who are in their mid-to-late 30′s and don’t have children either a)don’t want to get married and have children at all or b) they don’t want to get married until their 40′s and their plan is to get with a woman in her 20′s or early 30′s at the oldest to have children.

    GoldenAh: I honestly believe if a black woman cannot locate a black man under 30 who has his act together with no children, she needs to stop looking. Let him find you, if you want one, because looking is a major waste of time. The onus to find a nice good black man should never be on us.

    I hope you come across a great guy (regardless of race), Jamila. I’m rooting for you. :)

  11. halima
    May 22nd, 2011 @ 11:42 AM

    i think people are desperate to maintain a positive belief in ‘our people’ (even as the stench of BC reaches to high heavens), and this is what all this urging of bw to consider ‘there are good black men out there’ even when they havent come across any in many moons. we should have faith, we should think good of our community (in other words ignore everything that is clear about the actual community and just maintain a faith-belief)

    This is about saving face of community and maintianing positivity in race. both are stand alone concepts in themselves that black people (read: black women) are supposed to do just like we are supposed to ‘believe in God’, ie it is a good, moral, ethical posture demonstrating a good black person. It has little to do with practicality and usefulness of the concept itself.

    i find the more the BC goes down the more we are obsessed about upholding a good image or a good impression even when everyone around us can see all is not well!

    GoldenAh: I had forgotten that aspect: that positive PR we are supposed to maintain for the benefit of others! As though people aren’t watching us, listening to our conversations, and Googling stats whenever they are curious. There’s nothing left to hide. We is nekked, folks. :D

    The only ones getting conned are our young ladies, and all we can do is pass the word along: don’t be bamboozled any longer.

    Halima, you’ve got me thinking of another topic. How we’re confusing and warping our moralities, exhibiting the wrong kinds of stoicism and toughness, along with being good in the wrong way, and as a result we’re still not getting important s&*t done (for ourselves).

    Hmmmm. Gotta really think on that. I know you’ve touched on this topic in the past.

  12. Jamila
    May 22nd, 2011 @ 11:57 AM

    I hope you come across a great guy (regardless of race), Jamila. I’m rooting for you.

    Thank you! I’ve started seriously preparing myself for marriage and seeking a mate.

    One of the things I’ve noticed about these BWE blogs is that many of the black women writing are in their 30′s and 40′s. Some of them also have not married and never had any children. I’m so that thankful that they have taken it upon themselves to get the message out so that bw in my age range know what the real deal is about taking marriage seriously when time and youth are on your side so that you don’t let what you truly want pass you by.

    Black women do have a very unique situation and often an uphill battle in front of them when it comes to getting married that many other women don’t have because they come from high-marriage, non-commitment phobic groups. Like, I said, I’m just thankful that I found these blogs and resources when time is on my side.

    GoldenAh: I think you are half-way there. You’re all set, ready, and your mind is made up. You will get what you want. :D

    You are on the money regarding how non-black men and their communities operate. There is no mystery, because they will let you know in an upfront manner – if you ask – whether they are looking for marriage and children. You wont be dealing with a manchild who enjoys wasting your time. It’s literally black and white, night and day with most of those men.

    As for me, I have AHDH when it comes to men. My attention span is short. I keep looking and looking, and oh, hey, there’s another one. Hmmmm….. :D

  13. Kay
    May 22nd, 2011 @ 2:22 PM

    I have to agree with what your last few paragraphs. The good, nice black man doesn’t need our help or sympathy. If he truly fits that description, he’ll fair just fine in the dating market.

    GoldenAh: And if he’s not doing fine, it’s self-inflicted.

    Thanks for dropping in, Kay. Your comment is appreciated. :D

  14. anaya526
    May 22nd, 2011 @ 3:58 PM

    Color me confused. What is all the fuss about?

    Haven’t BM been saying and proving through their actions for several decades that they don’t want to be husbands and fathers? Why are they now upset when BW take them at their word?

    I mean isn’t not listening to BM another of BW great failings? So what’s the problem now that we are actually listening? I swear some people are never satisfied.

    GoldenAh: LOL. This comment had me laughing for a while. You’re right. Why continue to engage with the black men who don’t want to fulfill their roles that other men can do a better by a country-mile? Seems rather simple. :D

    Thank you, Anaya526. Great response.

  15. Sherry
    May 22nd, 2011 @ 4:39 PM

    Another great post Miss Betty! You cut right to the heart of the matter – the numbers are in favor of black men, they will be F-I-N-E.

    GoldenAh: Thank you, Sherry. :D

  16. Candice
    May 22nd, 2011 @ 4:40 PM

    Thank you for the gracious welcome. People especially those that gain from that sympathy ploy are worried that women who feel sorry for and effectively enable this abnormal behavior among males will see the light and do for themselves.

    Bottom line women want men who are protectors and providers, mature, responsible, able bodied, resiliant and self reliant – it is key to the survival of the species. Survival and thriving to flourish depend on wise choices and actions to ensure healthy, viable thriving children if that is the case or just healthy viable adults. The weak are weeded out either by poor choices i.e. enabling and not learning to adapt and avoid toxic people and circumstances.

    In normal thriving society men are protectors, providers and do not respect, regard or enable other men who DO NOT carry their own weight and make their own way. Men will help the sick, the weak and the wounded; but the will not allow an able bodied male to coast and not stand on his own. They know that women are softhearted and nurturing so they are very protective of their wives, daughters and their family to include their extended family. If a man cannot or worse yet will not do that then men have no use for him and they discourage women in their circle of influence to do like wise – compassion be D@MN#d.

    GoldenAh: I agree. We can see from the condition of our group overall that a change has to be made. Black women are not being protected, provided for and respected; we have seek out those that will. And that’s key, there’s enough damage being done.

    Thanks again for a great comment, Candice. :)

  17. halima
    May 22nd, 2011 @ 6:44 PM

    The only ones getting conned are our young ladies, and all we can do is pass the word along: don’t be bamboozled any longer.

    This is such an important point GoldenAh, because we older heads have and can understand the subsript to these kinds of political games for race. ‘we know the score’ but we just want to maintain a good impression of our ‘peps’.

    The problem is the younger girls dont have this back knowlege at all, they believe the hype. Thats where the problem lies.

    I believe this kind of ‘back ground understanding’ is passed along in intact families. I know i learnt how to ‘play the game’, from my mother and older sisters. we always came home and discussed and laughed about the real deal however.

    Broken families and one parent structures now predominating in BC means these kinds of subcripts are not being passed along to daughters so they can always prioritize self-preservation despite talking any talk.

    very sad.

    GoldenAh: That’s right. Whatever is being passed along as survival strategies or the best way to live isn’t working for us right now. We’re sinking. I blame the garbage that passes for “black media”. Unfortunately, it is a bad teaching tool and poor source of information for young black girls. I’d like to think that we’re offering positive changes, via the blogs, by contributing ideas that uplifts these young ladies (and mature women too) into improving their lives. True empowerment. A good life for every black woman improves the lives of her future descendants.

  18. anaya526
    May 22nd, 2011 @ 9:49 PM

    Color me confused. What is all the fuss about?

    Haven’t BM been saying and proving through their actions for several decades that they don’t want to be husbands and fathers? Why are they now upset when BW take them at their word?
    I mean isn’t not listening to BM another of BW great failings? So what’s the problem now that we are actually listening? I swear some people are never satisfied.

    GoldenAh: LOL. This comment had me laughing for a while. You’re right. Why continue to engage with the black men who don’t want to fulfill their roles that other men can do a better by a country-mile? Seems rather simple.

    Thank you, Anaya526. Great response.

    :) Seriously though, I have noticed a lot of times that BM in their attempts to avoid responsibility for problems actually speak of themselves in such a way as to make themselves invisible/nonexistant and irrelevant. In their efforts to avoid responsibility, BM make themselves less integral to the solution.

    THEY DON’T MATTER. And they don’t matter because it’s a natural consequence of a group of men who, collectively, are content with destroying the foundations of their own communities. Meanwhile, BM are surrounded by non-black men committed to preserving and expanding their communities.

  19. trish
    May 23rd, 2011 @ 12:30 AM

    Great discussion. I keep coming back to read the additional comments. I hope this blog stays up(even without new updates) as warning to young women that just happen upon it accidently. You guys do thoroughly amazing work. You’re modern day Harriet Tubmans. You save those that wish to be saved. If others resist freedom then they do so at their own peril. You guys are making a difference because all of a sudden certain gossip sites and other sites feel the need to promote black love. They never felt the need to do so before. LOl Black women are waking up.

    GoldenAh: Wow. You just gave me another idea for a post. I hope I remember to put it up. Don’t have the time now, but later …. :D

    Thanks Trish.

  20. Bellydancer
    May 23rd, 2011 @ 9:50 AM

    “Well, just because he’s a nice guy, educated and speaks well it doesn’t entitle him to any black woman who happens to catch his eye. ”

    I can’t tell you how many times I have read that statement when it comes to black women especially educated black women. I mean literally that’s all you read about whenever they would post one of those “why can’t educated bw find a husband” articles and of course some bm would always post “just cuz you educated don’t mean you entitiled to a man”
    It’s good to see they we are applying it to the so called good bm at last so he can get a taste of his own medicine.

    GoldenAh: I can’t even bring myself to read those “lonely, desperate, single black women hunting for a black man” articles. They work my last nerve. The purpose of those articles are to invite contempt for us. Hell, those comments are really saying we’re not entitled to anything, especially deserving of any respect as human beings.

    That’s cool. Then they shouldn’t be surprised when they get ignored and dismissed in a likely manner. :D

    Thank you, Bellydancer. :)

  21. Faith
    May 23rd, 2011 @ 4:16 PM

    You were so patient with this poster, but this mentality is very annoying. We’ve been having these SAME conversations for how many YEARS now? And they’re still not getting it? Come on now. Are we sure this is really a black woman?

    GoldenAh: Yes, she is a black woman. :) I am patient, because I consider Classic NYer cool peeps like everyone who leaves a comment here. I get her point of view. She has a (non-black) man she’s happy with, and hopes or wants to see her brother happy too. I get that. In some fashion, I think some of us also believe that no one will treat a black man better than a black woman. I feel that way about a few of my female-in-laws. They probably love their men in ways I’m not certain non-black women will. That’s my honest bias. Anyway, I hope Classic NYer doesn’t mind me saying that. :D

    I wrote my response to explain overall that this isn’t about bashing all black men, which is something we’re never going to really get away from. At times this issue will be revisited. I don’t mind elaborating my thoughts on the “nice, good black man” issue, because I’m sure a lot of folks may share her perspective.

    We know they’re out there, but it’s really not about them.

    Thanks for stopping by, Faith.

  22. Lisa
    May 23rd, 2011 @ 4:28 PM

    Jamila, you made a good point about the age of the BW writers. I have learned a lot from them, both from their successes and mistakes.

    I started reading BWE blogs when I was 27 and now I’m married at 32. I might still be thinking about all the time I have and feeling that there’s “no rush” if not for reading the blogs.

    While there’s never a “rush” for love, there’s also no reason to be waiting around for some man to come along (or some man to shape up and marry you after umpteen years), when you can find someone right now who is ready for something real and serious — and he might just be white!

    GoldenAh: Hey Lisa, if you feel like sharing – it’s okay if you don’t want to: How did you meet your husband? Did it take long? Did you have a game plan? What were the things you did that were different or the same in your approach to husband hunting? Was it online or offline? etc.

    A few hints here and there would be nice, if you please. Thanks.

  23. BWLivingWell
    May 24th, 2011 @ 10:53 AM

    I think everyone’s pretty much said what was on my mind. I’ve had a few of these discussions on my blog and they get old REALLY fast.

    I’ve been a longtime reader of this blog so I thought I’d say “Hey!” and thank you for the work you do :)

    GoldenAh: Your website is lovely. The pictures are great.

    I appreciate having you as a reader, BWLivingWell. :)

  24. Likewaterforchocolat
    May 24th, 2011 @ 10:58 AM

    This is a great post about the good black men and I have experienced most if not all of the reasons stated for good bm dating unsuccessfully. And I also agree with the poster about the difference of single and available. In all seriousness, I need a single, but unavailable bm like I need another hole in the head. All of the good bm in the world do not make a bit of difference in mine unless he is actually interested in being with, loving, protecting and supporting me.
    I remember coming across and article in VIBE magazine years ago with Ice-T and the interviewer asked him about how he felt about what bw thought about him being married to a ww. Ice-T stated without hesitation “I don’t give a F$@! about what bw think about my white wife!” I think back on this and realize that he was onto something, bw should take these cues from bm, because bm never care about what anyone thinks about them expanding their dating options to other races. Ever notice how celebrity bw are always asked to justify their relationships if they have married or are dating outside of their race, yet interviewers rarely ask Charles Barkley, Dave Chapelle, Kobe Bryant, about their nonblack wives. But somehow it is thought that bw HAVE to provide some kind of explanation to the bc. Anyone see the way the Ebony magazine handled their Halle Berry interview? She was practically apologizing to the bc for her choice in dating another white man (I guess she gets no credit for having married two). I just think we need to stop justifying our choices and just do us, because bm are sure doing their own thing with or without bw. Anytime the topic comes up amongst folks of ir dating,just say ” I don’t give a f@%! about what anyone has to say about my non-black man!”

    Okay, let’s say it….all together now…on the count of three…

    GoldenAh: Luvs it! I think it’d be awesome on a T-shirt. Maybe with symbols or like a tweet. :D

    Halle should have shut ‘em down with a smile, saying: That’s none of your business.

  25. MsMellody
    May 24th, 2011 @ 5:07 PM

    ” I dont give a f@%! about what anyone has to say or THINKS of my non-black man!!!”

    Say it loud and SAY it proud.

    GoldenAh: Yeah! It needs to be said over and over again. Right on! :D

  26. Lisa
    May 24th, 2011 @ 9:07 PM

    Sure, I’ll share a bit!

    I did have a game plan, but it wasn’t anything super strategic. A lot was simply mental. I had to stop wasting time on men who were not interested in marriage any time soon. So for example, if I went on a date with a guy and he said he was just out of a relationship and seeing what was out there, I would smile and then mentally check him off my list. I gave too many of those guys a chance in the past, only to get burned every time.

    I started being clear to men that I was dating for the purpose of marriage. Not saying that on a first date or anything, but after we got to a third date or so, more serious conversations usually popped off at this time. I used to believe that saying the “M” word scared men off, but I realized that only the scared men ran away. Men who wanted the same thing usually appreciated what I had to say.

    I would say I met my husband 3-4 years after I started reading the blogs. I had a six-month relationship before him, but it ended when he changed his mind about the future and said he couldn’t see himself even thinking about marriage for another three years.

    GoldenAh: Thank you, Lisa. A little bit here will go into my next post…. :D

  27. Patricia Kayden
    May 25th, 2011 @ 6:28 AM

    Great post.

    No one is saying that there aren’t ANY good Black men out there. I think what BWE bloggers are saying is that BW shouldn’t restrict their dating/marrying options to BM only. Date/marry whoever is good for you regardless of his race. And as Evia says time and time again, vet the hell out of your potential life partner. And don’t lower your standards to get a man. Nuff said!

    GoldenAh: And to stop giving them a “break” or “grading them on a curve”, because it’s not helping the women or the men.

    Thanks, Patricia – great summary. :)

  28. Likewaterforchocolat
    May 25th, 2011 @ 8:30 AM

    Lisa, this is a good plan and it is also a part of my dating strategy. I don’t do guys who; just moved to the area, are just leaving a serious relationship or CLEARLY STATE that they are not looking for something serious. If you find early on (and ladies we do most of the time) that a guy is not worth your time, do not spend another minute on nonsense. I am at a point where I know better, so I do better. And I know better than to waste time.

    GoldenAh: I love this sharing of strategies here, especially with those who’ve succeeded and making progress. It’s great to see that there are ladies putting their plans / goals into gear and getting things done! Awesome. :D

  29. Lisa
    May 25th, 2011 @ 10:09 AM

    Likewater, I just thought of one particular date with a guy I had met online. Really nice guy, but told me on the third date that he just got out of an engagement. Red flag!

    Now, I kinda put the brakes on things and said I was enjoying his company but wasn’t feeling that “spark” yet (which I later learned shouldn’t necessarily be used to judge that early on), but he agreed that we could keep hanging out. We went out another time about a week before Christmas.

    After Christmas, I called him and he said he was sick. Two weeks later, I thought I would check in to see how he was and he never called back. I called again two weeks after that and left a message with no return call.

    Even though I didn’t waste too much time, just making those calls was unnecessary on my part. He probably went back with his fiancee, for all I know, or backed off because it didn’t seem like he’d be getting sex any time soon. Whatever the reasons, he didn’t do much pursuing on his end… when I met guys like him years later, I spent much less time on them altogether!

    GoldenAh: Excellent advice, Lisa. We have to learn to keep it moving. Black women have been encouraged to hang on for far too long and often, like there aren’t any other fish in the sea. You listened: when a man tells you he’s not available, he’s wasting your time.

    I think you were being nice and considerate checking in on him, since he claimed to be sick. He showed a complete lack of manners by not responding. I hate that kind of rudeness. No class. That’s #26 on the list, after #25 which is coming straight out of a relationship, and being emotionally unavailable . :D

  30. BB Fortune
    May 25th, 2011 @ 3:09 PM

    I just had as talk with my mother (in her 60′s) about this last night. She is dating a guy (BM) who is very nice, but #18 on your list is what frustrates her. She enjoys his company but I can tell she is not fufilled in the relationship. I mentioned to her that she wears a size 8 shoe but would it make sense for her to try to squeeze into the size 7? No matter how cute the shoe is, because it was the wrong fit, it would eventually cause her pain. Sometimes it is not that the guy is bad, sometimes it is just not a good fit for either person and a black woman or any woman should not have to justify why she is not interested in a guy, but it seems black women catch a whole lot of crap if they let one “get away”. Like Betty said, these guys will have no problem finding a mate, they will be alright including Classic NYer;s brother. If he is alone, he will not be for long.

    GoldenAh: The #18 guy does the indecisive thing on purpose, because the reality is he doesn’t want to go anywhere. I suspect he’s uncomfortable socializing, handling things (taking charge), and wants to leave ALL the decision making in a woman’s hands. He is so exhausting. After an evening with him, I feel like I’ve carried the guy everywhere.

    I’ll be real with everyone. I hate guys who are: #9, #10, #14, #15, and #18. I want to cut him after 5 minutes. The play acting of “I’m so nice and humble” s&!t gets old real fast. That’s not my speed.

    Oh, and I’ve had a friend furious at me, because of lack of interest in her matchmaking. She wanted me to justify myself. ‘Cause it is a major crime for a black woman to say, “No. He seems nice, but he’s not my type.” Goodness. Hey, but I never asked for the hookup. :D

    Dating in her 60s? BB Fortune, tell your Mom she’s awesome. Thanks for sharing that story. ;)

  31. Daphne
    May 25th, 2011 @ 9:28 PM

    Numbers 10-27 are pretty much dealbreakers, but #18 and #24 make my teeth itch, especially.

    Goldenah, you know how I feel about special snowflakes!

    I’m ambivalent about #9 – maybe I’m grading on a curve here, since I’m an introvert. Thus, my social circle is rather small. I’m not sure I’d count a man out if he also has a small social circle. Of course, how he’s perceived among his social circle is important as well. So, I suppose quality vs quantity is the key for me. Others’ mileage varies, I’m sure.

    GoldenAh: LOL. I had one special snowflake tell me I was his last, best option, because of #24. Ah, I don’t think so.

    #18 – There should be a black female version of Weekend at Bernie’s. He’s the prospective boyfriend….

    #9 – Some guys are too tight with their boys, ’cause whatever they tell him is gospel. Or he’s supposedly the only nice, good guy and the rest are immoral thugs. I believe in the birds of a feather thing. A few good friends are okay. One blowup doll in his Momma’s basement is not. :D I get uneasy if a guy tells me he has no friends. Even extreme introverts have at least one. Yes, quality is the issue.

  32. Daphne
    May 26th, 2011 @ 9:33 AM

    One blowup doll in his Momma’s basement is not.

    Hee! Yes, I’d rather not have a Lars and the Real Girl situation going on (I’ve not seen the movie, but it’s the first thing that popped in my mind).

    And I concur on the NO friends issue. Red flag, indeed. You make a good point on the birds of the feather principle – I didn’t think of it that way.

    Lisa, thanks for sharing your experiences. Question – once you changed your mental game, did the way in which you met men change as well?

    Likewaterforchocolate, ditto on the “clearly stating that they’re not looking for anything serious so avoid them” thing.

    GoldenAh: Great question for Lisa, I hope she comes back to answer it. I’m curious about that myself. :D

  33. Lisa
    May 27th, 2011 @ 9:25 AM

    GoldenAh: Yes, looking back, I probably didn’t waste much time on Mr. I’m No Longer Engaged. Probably about four months, and we weren’t serious or anything (just went out every once in a while), but I have since learned that someone who’s more serious will cover a lot more relationship ground in four months than that guy did. If I had met him about three years later, he wouldn’t have lasted one month! :) And I do like your additions to the list.

    Daphne/GoldenAh: I guess I’d say that the other change I made was taking the process of meeting men a lot more seriously. I used to act in the “if it happens, it happens” mode, so I might have a dating profile up, but if I didn’t receive any responses in six months (for example), I didn’t care. I just figured it wasn’t my time and nothing more.

    I later stepped up my efforts (and was successful, yay) and also made it a point to go to more social events. I didn’t have time to hope I met Mr. Right at the supermarket one day, although if it happened that way, it would be nice. I just started making more time to go out (and that does not mean to the club) instead of staying home all the time.

    Last night, my husband and I went to a goodbye party for a co-worker who’s moving. While I’m no longer on the market, there were a bunch of single guys there that I would have been checking out… not saying any of them were available, but at least my odds improved by going to the dinner and meeting six unmarried men versus staying at home because I was too tired or something.

    Plus, just being in the company of men can help you be a better dater, so that when you do get asked out, you’ll be so fabulous on the first date that he’ll want to ask you out again!

    Hope that helps.

    GoldenAh: Oh, thanks so much for the extra details, Lisa. This is fuel for some more posts relating to this topics later. :)

    I hope you and everyone to have a wonderful weekend holiday. :D

  34. Dee Dee Russell
    May 31st, 2011 @ 2:21 AM

    GoldenAh/Betty Chambers
    smart lady I’m a big-time fan, wrote to you under an alias coupla months ago.

    I know several good BM unmarried or married to non-BW cough, ahem. And in my personal experience the ones in IRR aren’t happy.

    And yes I do know several BM married to BW. But they live way down on farms in Mississippi!

    Lisa is in my head with her tips. I’m aiming for a husband and waste no time with Mr.Wrongs. At least a dozen WM in the last two weeks have been surprised that I didn’t jump through hoops to be wined and dined. Ha!

    1)I say that I ‘date the rainbow’ heh…a BM sent profile pics of him being spoon fed by an Asian lady.

    2)One WM had on shades and a baseball hat with his chin down, frowning (profile pic). WHY oh WHY didn’t I want to date him?

    3)Progressed to phone calls with a WM. I called him at the agreed upon time, said he was on another call I left a vm. Saw he was online (Plenty of Fish) but he didn’t reply to my vm that day. BLOCKED asap.

    4)Mr.Unavailables sending me mail. Read their profile: looking for adventure. B- do I look like a tour guide?

    5)Men with obviously old profile pics.

    6)Men who say they’re: nice guys/not into games/not into drama. WHY mention any of it? Red flag.

    As Lisa said I to keep the lane clear for the right guy and I have a list of desirable traits. At this age I won’t play or accept just any man.

    Young ladies new to IRR need to know that some WM assume that we’re hard up and will leap at the chance to be in a dysfunctional relationship with them. As if we haven’t been taken out for a hot meal before! I have standards and have shocked the hell out of some WM by passing on their obvious game playing.

    So I today deleted the POF profile too many game players and we know it takes two to play. I am a memeber of ** and will join ** to keep it moving keep stepping in the right direction.

    GoldenAh: Hello, Dee Dee {{waving}}. Glad to have you back. Any name will do, as long as you like using it. :D

    #1 – I cannot stand when some guy sends me a group or couple pic. Why would I want you if you still hanging out with some chick? And nothing gets black men more upset than if you say you date x,y,z and exclude them. Nasty email / chat temper tantrums. Even if you include them in the rainbow they still get upset. Tells me these guys love hearing those black women who say they date nothing but “chocolate”, although I bet they only date non-black women.

    #6 – That’s right. Don’t tell me how nice / great / wonderful you are. Show me. Otherwise, talk is cheap.

    LOL. Some men really do believe we’ve all suffering from “hungry and desperate black woman’s syndrome”.

    You’ve got the right attitude; life’s too short to play games. You know what you want and what you’re looking for. Eventually you will encounter a real adult male.

    Great to hear from you, Dee Dee. :D

  35. Lisa
    May 31st, 2011 @ 10:00 AM

    Hi Dee Dee!

    The world of online dating can be quite maddening. I know enough examples of people who have found Mr. and Miss Right online, but you have to wade through a lot of mess to get to them. Patience is another big key, even though frustration is justified!

    I agree with all of your points, but especially No. 2 and 6. No. 2 reminded me of a guy I met at Speed Dating who was a match… so we started phone calls and one day I called him and he said, “Hey, can I call you right back?” I said sure… never heard from him again. If he had been an online prospect, I would have blocked him too after that.

    No. 6 is so ridiculous. I figure it’s obvious that a normal person would not be into drama or games, so why say anything? Like dramatic and game-playing women are going to read it and go, “Awww, darn it. I won’t write him because he’s not into drama and games and that’s what I like to do. Too bad!” Plus, I find that men who complain about all women being crazy and playing games typically LIKE being in the middle of drama (some men get off on the idea of women fighting over them or getting all worked up over them — it’s an ego boost) or THEY are the crazy ones and make a normal woman go bonkers!

    So yeah, I passed those men up too.

    As for IR dating, I say if BW are smart and “vet” all men regardless of color, those WM who have certain assumptions about BW will get exposed. Men who are looking only for flings will not last long if a woman with standards expects more… they’ll just slink away quietly!

    GoldenAh: If he’s pushing the “drama” stuff at me, I know he likes crazy women and is checking to see if he can push my buttons. Immediate turnoff.

    Lisa, you are reminding me that finding Mr. Husband is hard work. Ladies have to keep it in mind that sometimes it’s easy and he can be found right away, or if they perserve (like you have) a good guy will come along. :)

  36. Dee Dee Russell
    May 31st, 2011 @ 7:20 PM

    Thanks Lisa! I am patient and expect the best. I have standards and he will, too. I would rather be single for a year than date the wrong man-and I have. Yes I could have several ‘boyfriends’ when it’s a MAN I desire.

    You wrote

    “As for IR dating, I say if BW are smart and “vet” all men regardless of color, those WM who have certain assumptions about BW will get exposed. Men who are looking only for flings will not last long if a woman with standards expects more… they’ll just slink away quietly!”

    YES they slink away with upraised eyebrows it’s to laugh how hard-up some think we are! One WM kept texting (as if! Finally had to block the dude) months later trying to entice me even though I told him thanks, no-we want different things. STILL surprised that I didn’t want his dysfunctional tail. That said, if a WM states from the bat that he’s into hip-hop I say adios.

  37. Valerie
    June 1st, 2011 @ 1:00 AM

    This is very good,as usual excellent post. I was listening to a lecture from our pastor about Relationship Boundaries and we as black women must not feel guilty and carry anyone’s burdens.

    We must know what we want and go for it, if we want to be married by a certain age and he is not ready, that is fine, we move on to someone who is. Too many of us have entertained time wasters.

    GoldenAh: Time wasters can destroy a woman’s life. Your pastor made a good point. Black women need to hear more advice of this nature. We don’t have to be mad or angry about – just politely tell people, “No” or “Get lost and mind your own business.” :)

    Thanks for stopping by Valerie. Always a pleasure to hear from you. :D

  38. L, Higgin
    June 1st, 2011 @ 7:48 PM

    I understand this person is concern about her brother, in the real world no one care that he is a good man. He can always get a letter of recommendation from the NAACP.

    GoldenAh: Oh, that’s cold, but funny. :D

    I was wondering if black women get this kind of benefit of the doubt if they don’t match a black man’s “beyonce standard”. I don’t think so.

  39. jubilee
    June 7th, 2011 @ 2:22 PM

    It’s hard trying to find ‘good black men’–even many non blacks are starting to see that black men don’t want black women and some even feel ‘sorry’ for us–my sis-in law, is upset because of it—black men chasing after non black women ONLY–it’s quite embarrassing–and silly black women being the ‘soldja’ time and time again (oh yes, she may have an MBA, fo’ some negro to use)and–not being soft enough to be cherished

    GoldenAh: I usually refer to them as Purple Unicorns, because it’s nearly impossible to find one. I wanted to refrain from doing that in this post. :)

    Good or bad, black women outnumber black men, and yet people still feel it’s our duty and job to chase behind them. Makes no sense at all. Black men are happily carrying on as though their lives, futures, and fates are NOT tied to black women. We should do the same.

    Thanks for stopping by, Jubilee, nice to hear from you.

  40. Bubby
    June 12th, 2011 @ 3:11 PM

    Well, speaking as a nice black guy, I always tell guys who’re nice who say that they are having problems meeting or finding the right woman, to look harder and to keep at it. Dating is a numbers game and you have to face your fears, face rejection and keep plugging away. If you approach twenty women, four may find you attractive. So sixteen women will tell you, no thanks. Now, are you gonna focus on the negative sixteen or on the positive four?

    I chuckle when some of these cats say that women only want “bad boys” or “players”. Women are free to like whatever turns them on in a man and if you’re not what she’s looking for or attracted to, why get angry at her? We all know that men don’t want people telling them what to find attractive in a woman. Move on. There are plenty of women out there who will love and appreciate you but you’ll never find them if you’re too busy throwing yourself a pity party.

    I’ve read these so-called seduction sites and they all reccomend that a “nice guy” change or incorporate some gimmick or routine into his “game”. I say be yourself. I say get a hobby. Do things that you enjoy. Get out and explore the world. Take a cooking class. LIVE.

    But keep your eyes open and be prepared and willing to approach a woman that you find attractive. Be polite and courteous and see if she’s willing to give you a shot. The rule is: Men approach and the woman chooses.

    Truth be told, some of these guys want women to fall at their feet just because they’re nice cats. They don’t want to put any effort into having a love life at all. That kind of arrogance isn’t sexy at all and women will avoid you like the plague.

    GoldenAh: Thank you for this comment, Bubby. I appreciate this perspective. I’ve included it in a new post here.

    Continuing The Nice Good … Love Is a Numbers Game, Play It Serious

  41. Cobra
    June 13th, 2011 @ 6:50 AM

    Let’s be honest. Nobody’s perfect. Look at that 27 point check list. 2, 3, 5, 7 & 8 a guy’s got little or no control of.

    Yes, a brother has to be prepared for rejection (life as a Black man in America), but we have other options available if we don’t pass the exam.

    GoldenAh: Of course many of those items are outside of his control. That’s the point I’m making. Life is tough. I’ve watched my very own brothers, brothers and cousins deal with crazy and mean black women, but they never ran around demeaning their very existence. Also, items on this list can apply to black women to the nth degree.

    Let’s get this clear though: this topic is not a self-pity contest over who has racism (plus sexism!) worse. There’s no winner to be declared biggest social loser. I’m not looking at either side vying for bottom of the barrel. I’m talking about how we are not “entitled” to one another, and have to conduct ourselves with the proper manners.

    I grew up mostly around guys: from what I recall they have no trouble – regardless of how much they were individually lacking – instantly breaking down a black woman’s features, complexion, height, weight into a small finite digit. They enjoyed loudly and crudely dismissing her in front of their “boys” and / or the general public.

    Definitely not nice. That’s not a one off-time thing or rare anymore; it’s pretty much standard behavior. And to top it off, no one ever defends the girl / woman from this type of abuse. So, when a black woman isn’t feeling a guy, 99 times out of 100 she’s not announcing her disdain to the entire world like a rejected black guy would.

    Nice website, BTW. Thanks for stopping by, Cobra.

  42. Smart Women Know WHEN To Fold ‘em… So Why Do Most Black Women Behave as If They Have A Compusulve Gambling Addiction To Black Men? « SOPHISTICATED HIPSTER's DIGEST™
    June 18th, 2011 @ 6:25 AM

    [...] are far more common than the type of boxes which contain gifts engagement rings OR prizes “good” blackmen.  There are PLENTY of other far more interesting and viable shapes to focus on, besides some ole [...]

  43. Densie79
    July 17th, 2011 @ 6:49 PM

    I think we all have men in our families we want to see in a satisfying, committed relationship. But what I see here is an unintentional double standard being applied to her brother’s romantic interests.

    2 things going on here:

    1. Asking our fellow black women to alter their expressions to accommodate a personal conflict.

    2. Trying to keep our brothers, cousins, uncles, etc from women of other races because it makes us, personally, uncomfortable.

    I love the men in my family very much, but I guarantee none of them are going to their friend telling them to change their views to make sure I marry one of them.

    GoldenAh: I grew up among guys, older brothers and their friends. I agree with what you say here, basically that the “racial appeal” for black women to “get a chance” never crosses their minds. And I’ll never be upset with them for thinking that way, ’cause I make sure my thinking is the same: me first. :)

    Great observations, Densie79.

  44. Anthony
    August 14th, 2013 @ 2:08 PM

    This may be off topic but needs to be read:

    I wouldn’t say the black race is beyond repair, being a black male, I feel all races have their own share of issues back that is another topic, I can agree to disagree on the issue you are stating but drama comes in all relationship there is no perfect couple there are only couples who are committed to one another that have successful marriages, or relationships, we are flawed as a human race regardless of how successful or how much money we have but we can’t be judgemental, There are truly some good woman out there in the world that have good hearts and are waiting for a good black man, we have to do the searching, as it says in the bible a man that finds a good wife finds a good thing, also nice guys need to really learn patience it is one of our strong qualites without it we would be impatient and bitter willing to settle for anything.

    As for the ghetto, dramafide (not sure if that is a word, Lol), loud mouth black woman out there we truly can’t judge them, example if you picture a young girl growing up in a not so good neighborhood who only had a single mom who was uneducated never had a positve male in her life to influence her was raised by television and the bad environments, you can’t really be surprise as to what they become when they get older. Some of these woman need a positive male influence who is nice and charming and not afraid to speak the truth. I have seen honest nice guys turn a so called ghetto girl into a respectable woman who learn the values and respect of a positive role model, now don’t get me wrong I said some not all, but really everyone deserve a chance, we have been so brain washed that we look at looks and body types, I mean we are men after all but we really should be looking at the heart.

    I would so choose an okay woman with a good heart even if she has kids then a very attractive woman with no heart at all. Nice guys there is a time to be nice and at time to be honest, women don’t need a nice guy 24/7. We need to step up cause we sure are good at complaining about not finding a good woman but will not put the effort to give them a chance because they don’t meet our standards, really life is too short to be picky, now I’m not saying settle for anything but give them a chance you will know if they are good for you or not but read the book first not just the cover. Hope this helps any nice guy out there who truly wants to find someone and all the fake nice guys (please stop destroying our endangered species.)

  45. Lauren
    February 4th, 2014 @ 1:03 PM

    I’m really glad I found your blog. I have made several mistakes and I’m working on improving myself. I’m 29 and a single mother to one child. I felt sorry for a useless negro and tried to save him. I regret the day I met him, but I’m happy I learned from my mistake. I’m continuing my education and moving to a bigger city. I look forward to reading more posts on your blog.

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