Tips for Today’s Negroes: A Lesson in Manners

Posted on | November 27, 2011 | 67 Comments

Who’s Your Daddy?

Yeah, yeah, I know a lot of you did not have Fathers to teach you how to be a gentleman. And the likelihood is high that your Mothers probably didn’t have the time, inclination, or interest in teaching any of y’all manners. Maybe everybody thought that lil man ShayQuan being rude and obnoxious was cute when you were 5 years old and eventually you’d grow out of it.

Unfortunately, for some of y’all, it never happened. For some reason, your boys on the street or that friendly Mr. Hamilton across town – that old guy who’d slide you a couple dollars every once in a while for your “services” – never bothered to give you a heads-up.

However, as a contemporary negro that loves to tell everyone that you are, “A grown ass man,” here are some worthy tips to show you are one, as opposed to being an overgrown, petulant knucklehead.

These tips are obvious to most well rounded people, but unfortunately common sense is in short supply these days:

Stay Thirsty and Be Anxious to Learn

1. Learn to greet everyone you meet with a, “Good morning,” if the sun is coming up or until around 11:00 A.M. like Micky Ds.

2. Say, “Hello,” for the entire day. Smiling is not necessary, but it is helpful.

3. “How are you?” Is allowed after, “Hello.”

4. If you are asked, “How are you?” Reply with, “I am fine,” or “I am good.” No grammar Nazis here.

5. “Goodnight,” isn’t an invitation to talk more or a hookup. It serves the same purpose as, “Goodbye.”

6. Do not demand that any black woman or black girl, whether you are acquainted or strangers, smile at you. It is harassment. Don’t be proud of it. You don’t know who she knows.

7. Keep your voice even when you address any woman. Anything louder sounds threatening. Speak with a moderate tone.

8. Hold the door open for all women, children and even other men. Good manners isn’t just a “white” thing.

9. Speak clearly: mumbling makes you sound like a numbskull.

10. Do not treat black women or black girls as though they are easy scores, a potential main squeeze, work place buddy confidant, or source of joking material. Cat calls, nasty comments and hollering at us is not appreciated.

I know a number of us have gotten used to little, if any, kind of common courtesy, as opposed to what you slavishly bestow upon non-black women. However, please keep your contempt to yourself. Non-blacks may appreciate your derogatory “shuck and jive” routine, but a lot of black women do not.

11. You may not believe it, but a lot of us don’t care to exchange more than a few passing words in greeting. That sista who is standing around listening to you is quietly suffering. She doesn’t know how to cut you off, because you’ve made it obvious you’d make her life hell (at the job) if she does.

Truth of the matter is: no one cares about your love life, personal hygiene, lack of money, and endless baby Momma stories. Your life story isn’t nearly as enthralling as you might think.

12. Enough with the jokes. Richard Pryor most likely told all of the best ones. He was funny. You are not.

13. If we seem to be ignoring you – after an initial greeting – let it be forever known: WE ARE NOT THINKING ABOUT YOU. Despite what you read in the black media and the desperate black women who write for them: YOU ARE NOT THE CENTER OF OUR UNIVERSE.

14. If you would never say it to someone white, then do not say it to a black woman. Please, spare us.

15. Your Momma really is the only woman who will put up with you. So, get over yourself and leave your issues at home.

16. It is not the black woman’s fault, if her job is more demanding than yours. She’s paid her dues. And believe it or not, that didn’t come by sleeping with a “white man”, since most of our bosses are likely to be white women. We went to school and worked while you decided it was better to hang out with LaTrell’monte back in the hood.

17. Your sucky job is not our problem. It’s up to you to solve. I heard there’s plenty of high paying jobs in North Dakota.

Let’s see if you can work with the white men up there with your current attitude, instead of living off of a black woman down here where it’s “safe”.

Sure, a few bits of the advice listed could apply to some black women. But being out-of-order seems to be a specialty of negroes.

I’m gonna say it again, as I’ve said it before: you are not entitled to special attention or deference from us. Let’s treat one another with respect, be polite in public and take it from there.

If what I wrote doesn’t apply to you, then don’t get upset.

Cheers.

BWE.links and then some…

Comments

67 Responses to “Tips for Today’s Negroes: A Lesson in Manners”

Hodan
November 27th, 2011 @ 11:05 PM

lmfoooooooooo, amazing list and should be taught in academic and professional classes for many knuckle heads. Are black men in the State this bad?

GoldenAh: The thing is, I’m not even talking about the young men out there. I’m talking about fools in their 30′s and 40′s. Truly a pitiful bunch.

Nice to hear from you, Hodan.
FourAndThreeQuarters
November 28th, 2011 @ 12:32 AM

PREACH, GoldenAh!

especially #10,11,12,16 & 17.

GoldenAh: Yeah, those numbered items point out the common denominator. This kind of behavior could have been nipped in the bud a long time ago. However, the negro apologists out there in the black media, radio / TV, magazines and a couple of sorry websites, keep encouraging black women to feel sorry for an adult that should be capable of managing his own affairs. And he’s left feeling that if he cannot get his act together it’s okay to bully and abuse us.

I wish I was making this stuff up from experiences several years ago, but this is still going on NOW with OLD BLACK MALES (30s-to-50s). I can tell you throughout my life, I’ve never had a truly serious problem with those between 18 to roughly 28. Maybe it’s the STDs catching up with them, because the worse cases I’ve dealt with have always been with these stupid and nasty OLD BLACK MALES out there.

Some of these negroes have no SENSE at ALL.

Thanks for stopping by, FourAndThreeQuarters.
AmbiVictoria Worldpeacecutie
November 28th, 2011 @ 12:39 AM

GOD bless you for writting this very important instruction. I hope it goes viral and is ingraved into the minds of those who need it.

GoldenAh: I thank you for the kind thoughts. I just want some of these guys to get their act together. Some of them are begging to be buried in the New Jersey Meadowlands.

Thanks for stopping by, AmbiVictoria.
Betty Boo
November 28th, 2011 @ 2:56 AM

EXCELLENT,EXCELLENT, EXCELLENT I could not have said it better myself. Some may disagree, but now we need a part 2 telling the sista’s if they would stop letting little ray ray act up as some sort of backwards compensation to make up for the fact they picked a knuclehead for a father we would not have to address this list in many of the situations when they grow up. ( this is ONLY for those to whom it applies). In the list could you please include some manners for the sistahs like when you do work hard to get your promotion, it does not give you permission to shank your black co-workers to “prove” you don’t show favoritism to them (I Have expereinced that quite a few times and here is a more diplomatic way to do it) I worked with an office full of black women for several months and they could use #1-4, 14 also.

GoldenAh: You got me thinking of some black women who light up like a Christmas tree whenever their white co-workers want to talk to them. It’s like she’s possessed by another person. She can’t say, “Hi,” to you though, right?

Mostly, I’ve worked with men. I find women easier to ignore, because they’re usually from other departments. And once you let ‘em know you want to be left alone, they don’t come back.

On the other hand, with some negroes it takes a complaint to HR, possibly a firing, and threats of calling the police to get them gone. I honestly have no idea what’s wrong with them.

Thanks for the comments, Betty Boo.
Lorraine
November 28th, 2011 @ 3:36 AM

Love love love this and glad to see you back!

GoldenAh: Thank you, Lorraine. I hope you saw the announcement post I put together about your blog.
MsMellody
November 28th, 2011 @ 9:05 AM

Halleluah for Number 6!!!!!!!

Thank you Betty for that line included there where u said …” you don’t know who she knows!!” is sooooo true.

This speaks to that social issue that we have talked about, that issue of Bw and black girls being disproportionately harassed on the streets/public because ALL black men know that ANY white girl/woman is most if not MORE likely to “know” someone who could make their life miserable if they ( black men ) were to harass them ( white women/girl ) in public/street.

As in “know” meaning they have a deep well connected family structure that is in the power majority.

This list is awesome Betty!!

GoldenAh: You hit it on the head. White folks almost always know someone that will put them in their place. A lot of these black males assume that we’re either okay with their behavior, or we’ll just shut up and endure it. Heh. Not with me. Not in this lifetime.

And I’ve seen white women drop everything to go get a cop. These negroes feel we wont do the same. They better recognize times have changed.

A lot of black women / girls need to realize there are neighborhoods in America where you can walk down a street and no one will harass you. They do exist. The thing is, that’s because there are only a handful of black males living there. It’s an ugly truth. The black guys out in those neighborhoods aren’t thugs. They are hardworking gentlemen who know how behave themselves. They do exist. Unfortunately, they are a tiny tiny group. Hard to find. Sorta like purple unicorns.

Hey, I grew up in Brooklyn, NY. Been there. Done that.

Great response, MsMellody.
vonnie
November 28th, 2011 @ 11:17 AM

the problem is the complete lack of boundaries in “the black community”. folks act way too familiar with any and everybody who may have a skin shade similar to them without thinking that they may not want to be bothered. I don’t know you, don’t approach me any old kind of way, don’t touch me, etc.

GoldenAh: We’re easy targets. No one cares about us. We are the easiest victims. So bullying us is no big deal. We’re even supposed to be flattered by the rude harassment.

That’s what I’m talking about: leave me alone, I don’t know you, don’t bother me.

Great hearing from you, Vonnie!
Jamila
November 28th, 2011 @ 8:59 PM

“Let’s see if you can work with the white men up there with your current attitude, instead of living off of a black woman down here where it’s “safe”.”

It’s always so amusing to me when a dude has a whole lot of bass in his voice when he’s talking to a black woman but knows to keep his town at an ‘inside’ level when addressing a white coworker or other white person. I figure if you won’t get loud with them, don’t try to get loud with me.

GoldenAh: Jamila, they’re strutting roosters, full of themselves, and about as bright as one. I had this nonsense happen a few days ago. Knucklehead is this humble, docile negro with white people. Yet, when he sees this black woman that “bass” comes out like he knows me. I don’t know that negro from Adam; certainly don’t want to either. He’s seen me a few times, so whenever he’s walking around with his “owners”, he’s gotta show them what a big “bad ass” boy he is. I ignore him, ’cause people like that want to aggravate a person into responding angrily. But he can go shuck and jive all by himself. He’s a clown.

Thanks for stopping by!
Oshun
November 28th, 2011 @ 11:09 PM

This list is so true its scary.

I took a trip to Mexico this month. And it was sickening how night and day my treatment was by the men there. I was actually slightly depressed after I returned. I know there is the whole “machismo” thing with certain Spanish cultures…

But I was never so pampered and taken care of in my life. I noticed this on my other trips there and this last time it was such a jolt that I felt like I was in the twillight zone.

It was like despite all the other “stuff” going on – the Mexican national men in this town got your memo personally.

I don’t know if it was because I was American or what, but at least on a surface level I was treated with so much respect an courtesy. The men were really good at social flirting. They would approach me in public, but it wasn’t crass and the conversation would start concerning something I was doing, or wearing, or the weather.

My bags were always carried. I was hesitant at first because I was thinking “God don’t let me get robbed”, but it was all good. I was given tons of compliments during the social flirting. Men would always offer help. I had men offering me food – if I said it had been a long time since I had eaten etc. I could go on – it was literally like night and day.

I like being treated that way. It definitely made me happier. It made me feel attractive, delicate, and gave me a sense of safety.

If only I could feel that 24/7!

GoldenAh: That we need to leave the country to be treated like a lady with respect and in a complimentary fashion says it all. We can make money here, have a decent career, but everything else gets thrown out the window. And I’ll say something else: I feel that the black women here who’ve found a decent man are the lucky few. Relationships are hell. It sucks being a black woman in this country looking for a normal, decent man. There. I said it. It’s more taxing than a second job to filter out the nonsense.

I don’t care how many relationship books suggest we ain’t looking, how gotta “think like a man”, how many new strategies we gotta try, how many new hobbies we gotta swing – they’re all full of dog poo. American men just aren’t checking for a black woman as a wife. The reason is racism / sexism. We’re required to work extra just to pull even. Frankly, I’m a bit lazy and always tired. I’m no superwoman. However, I believe in the rest of world, where most normal men reside, it may not be that much of a problem.

If I could go back in time, I’d have left this country and not come back, except to visit every once in a blue moon. It is not worth it to even have five minutes of this aggravating, disrespectful stuff going on. Life would be so sweet if those annoying folks just disappeared… The second most aggravating thing is the willful stupidity of some black women, who act like nothing is wrong. Honestly, unless it’s online with the ladies here, and my good friends, I cannot have an honest conversation and talk to them. I just don’t bother.

I am so glad you had a fantastic time, Oshun. I know you deserve to be treated right. And I am so familiar with that depressing feeling of wondering, Why I gotta come back to the USA?. I love what I love about this place, but if I could be somewhere else….

One day, I may truly get tired of it and jump ship.
Daphne
November 29th, 2011 @ 12:10 AM

LMAO @ ShayQuan and LaTrell’monte! You are too much.

About #12 – I was on a different forum, and there was a discussion about how some black women get stuck on a man who can crack wise. I love to laugh, and have a good sense of humor, but I’ve found that men who crack jokes ALL THE TIME usually have little else going on for them. Even professional comedians aren’t “on” when they’re not on stage. And frankly, the jokes are usually at the expense of black women, in my experience. It’s generally not “observational” humor, a la Seinfeld.

Great post!

GoldenAh: You know what’s sad? The day he stops being funny. Then there’s this uncomfortable, painful silence, because he doesn’t touch the funnybone anymore. And like you said, there’s nothing else.

I miss Seinfield. I wish someone would have continued that show, at least with different characters or something.

Daphne, you know half of those names are real.
Betty Boo
November 29th, 2011 @ 3:52 AM

I had an expereince today that just CONFIRMS your post.

I re-posted from a freind the following quote “If you want to see where a womans mind is, look at the men she dates.”

Ok one of my FB “Friends” a black guy came on my page and posted a comment full of profanity along the lines of black women pick “Sh***y” men and call them triffling blah blah blah. First of all was there anything in that post that directed it at black men or women?? I have heard it said when you throw a rock at a pack of dogs the only one that will yelp is the one who was hit. Well I deleted his post and privaely emailed him and told him that I do not tolerate profanity on my page and he must be respectful. I went on to tell him that alot of black womens attitudes towards many black men is justified given their abusive and neglectful behavior towards black women at times and that many black men expect respect they have not earned and they have to own their failures and do better if they want the respect they crave. His stance was to block me. Nothing lost on me, he proved his unworthiness by his actions. I Share this becasue your post is right on point, so many of these black men are so immature and childish, yet they expect to be treated like Kings.If he is to have any lasting power, A King should know how to lead, rule, and maturely interact with others even if their ideas disagree with his own. The only time he should block anyone from contacting him is if their access to him is a threat to his kingdom or family. Outside of my male family members, I wash my hands. They have no respect for themselves or others.

GoldenAh: That is so disrespectful. The thought of showing consideration towards you doesn’t even enters this guy’s head. We’re not to be protected. For some reason, they’ve decided we’re their dumping ground. Real men don’t behave like this. They think of protecting women, or at least shielding them in some fashion.

Why is it so hard to have a normal, regular conversation? Is that beyond these guys today? And if women pick bad men, would he even know what a good one is? Apparently not, since he unloaded his ugly tirade in your direction.

You’ve done the right thing, Betty Boo. You try to acquaint yourself with a guy just to be friendly and you get slapped for it. It’s not worth the aggravation.

Thank you for the insightful comments.
Oshun
November 29th, 2011 @ 8:58 AM

@ Betty

Good for you for washing your hands.

Most BM are a lost cause. They have so much contempt and casual cruelty for BW. I unfortunately have been on the receiving end of this before I knew what was happening. There are BM family members whose heads I wouldn’t urinate on if they were on fire.

This is precisely why I don’t understand this talk around “we need to work together” crap – even now. Or why there are these panels to discuss issues that have both BM and BW together.

These discussions and panels are a joke. And the joke is on BW. You don’t dialogue with someone who has that much contempt for you. Who ridicules your needs and won’t even acknowledge your oppression. Never mind the ways in which they participate in your oppression.

Its almost like the slaves “dialoguing” with their masters. With the slaves sitting their with all their scars talking about how hungry and naked they are and how badly they are being treated and the masters telling them its all their fault and if they would only be more obedient they would be treated better.

Then one of the overseers says some cute bible verses or meaningless platitude to restore hope to the slaves that one day they will be treated better and that it all works out in the end.

And when the dialogue is over the slaves ragged, beaten, and threadbare go back out into the fields, and the overseer picks up his blood stained whip, and its back to business as usual.

Until the next “dialogue”. Rinse, repeat.

Your experience with that BM on facebook was just a micro version of what is happening on the macro level.

They can burn in hell for all I care.
Bellydancer
November 29th, 2011 @ 10:37 AM

Glad to have you back boo!

I think younger people today have a lack of manners including younger black girls. Parents are not doing their jobs correctly in schooling their children on how to behave in public. We got our asses tore off if we misbehaved!

GoldenAh: Glad to be back, Bellydancer!

I cut the kids slack, because they’re still impulsive and aren’t thinking properly. But yes, parents aren’t bothering to school their kids, because I don’t think they have any manners themselves. Somewhere along the line the grandfolks decided the kids would raise themselves, or mabye that showing consideration towards others doesn’t matter anymore.

Unfortunately, I think that attitude is in the majority.

Great to hear from you!!
MsMellody
November 29th, 2011 @ 4:51 PM

@ Betty Boo!!!

Oh my God I am about to shout after reading this comment you re-posted!! ( In a halleluah this is the truth in a powerful the appetizer knocked my appetite out kind of way!!)

..” “If you want to see where a womans mind is, look at the men she dates.”

This sentence right here deserves an entire blog post on it’s own!!

Thank you – and if you don’t mind I am going to be repeating this sentence to friends and family for the duration!!!
MsMellody
November 29th, 2011 @ 4:58 PM

And @ Oshun!!!

What you said about this whole “..let’s dialogue” crap is absotively PROFOUND!!!

I could just hug you and hug you. Your comment brought back old memories of when I was in undergrad and very very misguided. I REALLY believed that us/my generation of more educated black w’s would just be able to “make sense” to the black men and that these dialoguing(sp?) events would just somehow “change” everything.

But – Believe me fellow bw’s it only took a few more years for me to finally grow up and see exactly as Oshun described it…” They have so much contempt and casual cruelty for BW.”

And Oshun this one sentence in reference to the contempt and casual cruelty needs to be REPEATED and REPEATED to those younger 20 year old bw’s of this day and age.

This sentence in and of itself needs to go viral!! To remind bw of this well known secret that is perpetuated daily within all Black neighborhoods/churches etc.

Thank you so much for that powerful teaching/reteaching moment with your comments!!
MsMellody
November 29th, 2011 @ 5:00 PM

@ Oshun

I forgot to add, thanks for relating such a beautiful experience of Mexico. This too is a teaching moment for those of us who have plans to travel and or live internationally!!

Thank you.
Mahogany
November 29th, 2011 @ 9:07 PM

@Vonnie
“folks act way too familiar with any and everybody who may have a skin shade similar to them without thinking that they may not want to be bothered.”

This is it right here Vonnie. You said it. I remember talking about something to a good friend of mine and my friend said “yeah, but you know how WE do.”

Yeah, and I also notice that there is an EXPECTATION for black people, especially BW to act in accordance with this mentality.

For example, I’ve noticed that people aren’t ASKING bw to do things they are suggesting or telling her. When she says “No, I don’t feel like doing that” people shriek back as though she committed a crime. And then the negotiation begins.
Mahogany
November 29th, 2011 @ 9:23 PM

@ Ms. Mellody

“They have so much contempt and casual cruelty for BW.” I agree with you. Can anyone answer why do they have this contempt? Where did it come from?

“To remind bw of this well known secret that is perpetuated daily within all Black neighborhoods/churches etc.”

How is the contempt manifested in the churches?
Does it have anything to do with the “wait” indoctrination?
trish
November 30th, 2011 @ 6:04 AM

Black men do not believe in their intrinsic worth as human beings. This is why they show such contempt for black women and children. We as black women need to understand this and make peace with it. We cannot keep going on and on in anger. We cannot save black men. It is up to God and the men themselves to find their own self-worth.
In their hurt state tried to hurt black women and children. They have used the media and pop culture to wage war on our image and self-esteem as black women. This gambit has not worked because black women are excelling in various areas of life. Today, smart black women know that the way to have an abundant life. They know a life not tied to black males or a man with a black male mindset is a life that can have no limits. They can marry well and they can have their children cared for and loved. What does the black male collective have? They will have nothing if they continue as is. That is so sad.
Today I feel a lot of pity for them (not in a mammy way) and much of the behavior listed in your point by point analysis comes from their lack of self-worth. We all know that normal men do not behave like this. Let’s just move on and not harp on the terrible things. Let’s focus on allowing good things to come into our lives.

GoldenAh: I hear what you are saying, Trish. And I’m a mellow chick. If I get any more laid-back, I’d be asleep all the time. I’m very reserved. Very low key. Despite my online rants ~:D I’m totally about leaving people alone, treating them with respect, and going about my business. However, nothing makes me crazy shrieking effing mad-hatter nuts than when some strange NEGRO comes up and invades my space, my “bubble” of peace and tranquility and behaves like I OWE THEM SOMETHING. They belong on another planet in another galaxy, and I’d like to send them there. I packed up and left NYC to get away from them. And now I’m wondering if I should be moving to North Dakota to go even farther.

Honestly, I really don’t give a damn about black males (outside of the ones in my family). I don’t wish ill on anybody, but they need to start backing up, backing off, and leaving people alone. I don’t know where on God’s green earth they get this idea that every black woman that sees one of them, maybe even exchanges two words, is supposed to light up like that Rockefeller Christmas tree in Manhattan.

Like Oshun was talking about: must we leave the country to be treated like women with respect, gentleness, and dignity? It is one thing to let bygones be bygones, but NEGROES wont get the hell away and leave ME alone. I have had it. I’m damn sick of it. I want my space. I want my peace. Every other race / gender / religion acts NORMAL and COOL around me – ain’t nobody misunderstanding anything – but these black males, something is truly bloody well jacked up within them. And I could not care less what it is…. I just know I’m done. If it means I gotta “hate” on all of them to get some peace, then I’ll take it there. ‘Cause I am sick and tired of it.

Eff ‘em all. I cannot stand the sight of any of them. And folks can now quote me on that.

I’ll focus on good things Trish, I promise. I just needed to post this one up. Thanks for the positive feedback.
MsMellody
November 30th, 2011 @ 10:52 AM

@ Mahogany

Hello and yes I will attempt to tackle this issue in this comment. I will attempt to give it a historical/sociological/psychological examination as well;

In MY OPINION – this contempt and casual cruelty germinates from jealousy.

And yes, you probably just frowned when you read that word – but look at the issue from the sociological. As was so aptly pointed out at another bw-interracial marriage blog ; Black men only want what white men want- they see what white men deem appropriate/attractive and they( black ) men then get the green light to want that same object as well.

Quickly for example – when white men brought home Korean brides from the Korean war…then Black men saw that this was an acceptable form of “being judged in the same light as a white man” then they followed suit. When white men moved then openly dated/loved and by association elevated other Asian women – then Black men followed suit. When white men then openly ( and now we are historically talking about the late 60′s,70′s ) started dating/marrying Black women – then Black men started talking about the need to “STICK TOGETHER FOR THE SAKE OF BLACK LOVE”…but if you go and do the research you will see that the biggest Afro wearing/black turtleneck wearing under a dashiki standing at the microphone spittin’ this so called knowledge were dating/huggin’ up and marrying the whitest white scandinavian women that they could get their hands on.

In other words the 70′s heralded in the “Black Love” movement and the “women folk” were expected to wash and iron the dashikis and spend their money getting all the copies made for the fliers for the meetings, putting out coffee & donuts and sit in the wings and provide the creature comforts ( food and sex) and the Black men could and would just go about spouting “lets stick together, because the man is holdin’ us down and back…but secretly I ( Black man ) want the man’s approval, I want the man’s daughter so that I ( Black man ) can have access to his approval/status and then I ( Black man ) can be seen as being “approved of”.

Now as for the casual cruelty issue;

Take a close look at the crimes in your community that have involved young black girls/women most if not all will have been perpetrated by Black men within that same community radius. The Black men of the so called “community” have not risen up and DEMANDED that the kids in that community have a safe street to walk down, are not harassed, molested and or raped. The Black men in these so called communities have not and will never BAND TOGETHER and insure that their neighbors are safe/taken care of..lawns mowed, snow shoveled…nothing.

One of the best examples of the casual cruelty – that I have yet to read was an example that Evia layed out on one of her trips into the city where she lived. She recounted how she was in a coffee shop..and that there were this little group of younger Black men harassing another Black woman who was sitting alone at a table in the coffee shop. She recounted how she watched a table of OLDER BLACK men just get a fucking kick out of WATCHING this young woman being harrassed by this impertinent younger Black man. And she ended this retelling by pointing out that very fact – this group of Older Black men DID NOT step in and pull this young dude’s coat tail so to speak…they just sat back and snickered and mumbled under their breath watching this young woman being hassled/embarassed etc.
Then when the young lady had had enough and got up and left – this older group of Black men just howled with laughter.

That story stuck with me – because I could just feel the distress of this younger black woman..and I too have been in a similar situation but when my white husband walked in to the room – the whole situation IMMEDIATELY changed.

It’s really true that Black men NEVER EVER want to be EMBARASSED or TOLD OFF by a white man..this would be the ultimate terror for the average damaged beyond repair black male. And this is something they ( DBRs) avoid at all cost.
shocol
November 30th, 2011 @ 11:32 AM

@Oshun

This is precisely why I don’t understand this talk around “we need to work together” crap – even now. Or why there are these panels to discuss issues that have both BM and BW together.

1. IMO, AA still have these discussions because collectively we haven’t developed strategies that move us beyond “we need to work together” and the “fight the MAN” discussions.

2. Also, I think dicussion of serious solutions would require everyone to put their cards on the table. Hard questions would have to be asked. It would quickly become apparent that the majority of AA men are not/will never have the level of committment required for what has to be a multigenerational endeavor. So AA’s continue to have these sorts of community town halls as a pacifier.
Betty Boo
November 30th, 2011 @ 3:03 PM

@Trish The “Black men have it hard out there” argument only has so much leverage with me and that is very little. I am tired of black women using this to absolve black men from the responsibility of being RESPECTFUL and RESPONSIBLE. Yes we live in a world where certain things are not fair to black men and that I do sympathize with that but I will not excuse their deliberate decision to mistreat black women, abandon their children another crapola they do in the name of SWAGGER. Each black man is responsible for his own choices as we are. My parents divorced when I was 11 and my brothers and I grew up in a working class neighborhood. My brothers are respectful of women, educated and have no baby mamas. On the other hand I have a cousin who has an 8th grade education, has been in and out of jail, has 5 baby mothers and he is only 23 years old. So miss me with this I have an obligation to feel sorry for the because they have it hard, they do I see it my brothers despite their strong moral character have had unfair situations happen to them and those are the kind of things that make me feel compassion but i feel NO COMPASSION for the men who insult belittle and degrade us but expect us to keep “the line for the sake of the black community” They have thrown us under the bus too many times to save their own A**. Like Betty said I only claim my own, and for me that goes only for this of my own who are acting like MEN. I don’t even claim my cousin though he is my blood. My compassion goes where manhood flows!
Tiffany
December 1st, 2011 @ 9:29 AM

Coming out of lurk status to comment. The black men who usually go around calling themselves “grown men” get mad when you treat them like an adult. They want you to coddle, feed, and burp them while acknowledging their “grown man” status. It’s like they want to have the benefits of being an adult while acting like children.

GoldenAh: Hey, there Tiffany {{waving}}. Glad to have you contribute.

And every word you wrote is so true.
Sherry
December 1st, 2011 @ 8:09 PM

Well ladies, I must admit that one of the things I like about being black is that familiarity I feel from others in the community. It becomes a problem (as Miss Betty so aptly pointed out) when folks thing that familiarity means there are NO boundaries, and that they don’t have to be courteous or kind to others they are trying to engage.

GoldenAh: There is that feeling where we can crack jokes about almost anything – the ability to make lemonade out of lemons. Or at the right time and place we can be informal or comfortable with one another. Or in one look share a thought when something or someone is amiss. But it is like you are saying, it’s the excessive familiarity that can grate at times.

Yes, kindness, Sherry. That is the key, I agree!
trish
December 2nd, 2011 @ 1:59 AM

@Goldenah I am sorry if I came off preachy I didn’t mean to sound like that. It is your blog and you can post what you want. I always enjoy what you post and this post is no exception. I was just trying to explain my evolution. North Dakota is the one state in the country that has not suffered the ill effects of the bad economy so it will be a good move.:)
@Betty Boo I totally understand the anger you feel.
I used to be so angry at the black male collective because I couldn’t fathom how men could treat the women and children with such utter disdain. It didn’t make any sense. I know of no other culture that systematically pulls down the woman and children of their collective simply because they share a similar phenotype. It finally dawned on me the real reason for their contempt. I decided to drop the anger and I was filled with pity. This pity does not mean I will do anything to help such males or sign my life over to work in the community. NO WAY. This is the type of pity you feel for someone who bullied you while you were a child and when you grew up you found them drunk and living in a shack while you were living in a marble palace. All your anger is drained and all you feel is pity.

GoldenAh: Trish, you don’t have to apologize. I was just going a little loco. Don’t feel it’s really directed at you. Plus, I consider your comments the equivalent of a virtual tap on the shoulder: you know, I’m pulling my earrings off, smearing Vaseline on my face – you’re suggesting something wise and true. I agree with you on your points.

No harm, no foul.
Betty Boo
December 2nd, 2011 @ 3:58 AM

Found these from an old etiquette book by Emily post Circa 1922

A gentleman’s manners are an integral part of him and are the same whether in his dressing-room or in a ballroom, whether in talking to Mrs. Worldly or to the laundress bringing in his clothes. He whose manners are only put on in company is a veneered gentleman, not a real one.

A gentleman does not, and a man who aspires to be one must not, ever borrow money from a woman, nor should he, except in unexpected circumstances, borrow money from a man.

A gentleman never takes advantage of a woman in a business dealing, nor of the poor or the helpless

One who is not well off does not “sponge,” but pays his own way to the utmost of his ability.

GoldenAh: Wow, I love this. I think the only way this kind of gentlemanly behavior will make a comeback is if it’s introduced in the early years of public schools.
Tiffany
December 2nd, 2011 @ 8:55 AM

@Sherry, my cousin posted on her FB that she was taken aback that a black person at Wal-Mart asked her for a ride home. He and she do not know each other outside of skin color, so it was a shock to her that he would invade her space like that! She just walked away and continued on about her business.

@Golden Ah: thank you for the welcome. Love your blog.
MsMellody
December 3rd, 2011 @ 2:31 PM

Keeping up with current events in light of this most recent post of Betty’s ;

1. How about that “QuestLove” intro for Bachman on Late Night with Jimmy Falon situation?

A: How is that for a swat down to a black man who couldnt restrain himself in the manners department.

Did not that Negro know that if he were to orchestrate a move like that..that he would be handled forthwith speedily and mightily by the establishment???? Did you all see “women’s groups” coming out in full force DEMANDING that the NBC honchos issue an apology IMMEDIATELY?!?! Yes, me too.

I saw how quickly the ESTABLISHMENT that Quest thought he was at LIBERTY to thumb his nose at – QUICKLY turned on their heels and unleash upon him!! So what if it was a Vice President of a division of NBC that apologized to Bachman..you better believe Quest and The Roots and Jimmy Fallon got an earful..meetings..memos the entire schmaltz. They and Qwest got a full on attack wake up call.

In conclusion – this too is yet another example of what we all have discussed at blogs like this- white women have an ESTABLISHED power base from which to pull. They have ORGANIZED groups fighting for their image, future and destiny.

We as bw’s must avail ourselves to this power structure in a myriad of ways that will include ; feminizing our image, etiquette training on how to conduct ourselves in public, and in stressful situations -what to do and what NOT to do to tap into our own personal power, as well as the wm power base through marriage/dating, in order to move OUR constructive group forward.

No go Tweet that!!

GoldenAh: I could swear he had supported some guy who said something offensive about black women, but I could be wrong. Like Kanye West, these guys really believe that ugly mess that spout at us will work with white women. I get a kick out of the way white folks shut them down.

Oh yeah, I wish we could put them in check like that. But half the battle will be other black women who will take their side(s) by default. White women fight for their own well being. Black women fight for the well being of black men, which they think will eventually (maybe one day) sorta kinda help them.

I have to admit I don’t get the hostility to Bachman. She’s odd, takes weird positions, but she’s never going to be President, so I don’t see why they need to be so vicious toward her.
MsMellody
December 3rd, 2011 @ 6:46 PM

Correction – the last line of my comment should read;
Now go Tweet that!

Here’s a link to the backlash-

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/12/01/questlove-racist-epithets-bachman_n_1123663.html?ref=mostpopular

GoldenAh: Thanks for the link, MsMellody. Very informative.
Mahogany
December 5th, 2011 @ 10:05 AM

@MsMellody

MsMellody, thank you for taking the time out to spell it out for me. You have definately added more knowledge in these areas. the nerve of those OLDER BM. They probably figured she could just “take it” as a mule would. No consideration for her protection. They definately wouldn’t have done it to any race woman. I agree with you.

I didn’t know that the “Black Love” thing started when WM were openly loving/marrying BW. But I do know that the loudest afro wearing BM was having his pick of nonBW. Thats gaslighting at its best.

It seems that lots of BM have been conquered from generations back and they are in dire need of having approval from WM (their so called oppressor). There has got to be a psychological name for this. Dang this is deep.

“Approve of me. Approve of me” seems to be the running them.

“It’s really true that Black men NEVER EVER want to be EMBARASSED or TOLD OFF by a white man..this would be the ultimate terror for the average damaged beyond repair black male.”

Ah, this is probably why the BC works so hard at telling BW not to call the police on him when he has beaten her.

Thank you again for your comments.
Mahogany
December 5th, 2011 @ 10:21 AM

@MsMellody

I read your comment above about Quest.
Question: Is it me, or are WM spewing their dislike (NOT HATRED) toward WW? I read some of the comments on that website you posted. I was also watching a talk show where a WM was talking bad about WW in general. The guy was on Dr. Phil and got him a Russian bride, but his family believes he was being used. He said some mean things about WW i.e. fake hair, botox, them not looking “real” anymore, etc… Someone I work with who is in a high position mentioned something about femnism…I think he is just stuck in his ways period. I’m seeing comments that WM are fed up with WW crying, throne of beauty entitlement, etc…but I will surely say THEY DON’T HATE THEM. What are your thoughts? Has anyone else noticed this?
Oshun
December 5th, 2011 @ 10:55 AM

Wow this conversation has really taken off!

@ Goldenah

“That we need to leave the country to be treated like a lady with respect and in a complimentary fashion says it all. We can make money here, have a decent career, but everything else gets thrown out the window. And I’ll say something else: I feel that the black women here who’ve found a decent man are the lucky few. Relationships are hell. It sucks being a black woman in this country looking for a normal, decent man. There. I said it. It’s more taxing than a second job to filter out the nonsense. ….American men just aren’t checking for a black woman as a wife. The reason is racism / sexism. We’re required to work extra just to pull even. Frankly, I’m a bit lazy and always tired. I’m no superwoman. However, I believe in the rest of world, where most normal men reside, it may not be that much of a problem”

I cant speak on marriage, but in dating it is challenging. Ok it can be hell. I think I’d rather have a root canal sometimes.

For me I have to take breaks as it can be very draining to make a sustained effort in this area. I will say it has made me smarter in dealing with people and quickly sussing out their motivations and intentions. I have learned to say “next” a lot faster and not to take certain things personally, but it does get tiring if all you are saying is “next” and many of the people you are coming across are not a good fit.

“The second most aggravating thing is the willful stupidity of some black women, who act like nothing is wrong.”

I don’t see how they can do this. It is so glaring. And in your face.

“I am so glad you had a fantastic time, Oshun. I know you deserve to be treated right. And I am so familiar with that depressing feeling of wondering, Why I gotta come back to the USA?. I love what I love about this place, but if I could be somewhere else….

One day, I may truly get tired of it and jump ship. ”

Thank you Goldie. The thing was I was so “high” that I wasn’t even conscious about returning to the US. The high came with me back home and then about 2-3 days later I was like “wow, something is really different”. Then I hit the ground with a thud. Then I was sad/sorrowful LOL

I am leaning towards somewhere else myself. The only way that I will have babies is if they can be global citizens.

My mother is currently trying to push me on some “good black man”. A man whom I could tell after one conversation is so scrambled in the brain – he is a certified hot mess. She keeps saying he may be her son in law.

In the past she has been supportive of IR. So I keep reminding her that she needs to get used to the fact that my husband and possibly her grandchildren may all be melanin challenged and she may need a Berlitz or Rosetta Stone phrasebook handy.

I have made up my mind about whom I wish to partner with and I am not turning back.

GoldenAh: Good for you, Oshun. That’s what will keep your spirits up: knowing what you want and being unwilling to settle for a hot mess!

Girl, it took you 2 to 3 days to feel sad? Once I’m at the gate at customs it all comes crashing down. LOL.

I haven’t flown since they introduced those rape-I-scanners at the airports, and I am thinking of going to Australia at the end of this year. I dunno how I’m gonna wrangle it. The thought of a 10 to 15 hour flight makes me want to pull my hair out.
Oshun
December 5th, 2011 @ 11:20 AM

@ GoldenAh

I agree with you regarding manners and scrambled egg brain black parents. I think this is another reason why I have issue with “it takes a village”.

It takes a village:

1. Kicks the can of responsibility onto someone else. Usually the backs of BW. I feel like some of these people are loafers and free riders and they feel like someone else should always step in and take care of their messes including situations with their children.

2. Does not take into account the vast difference in morals and value systems across black people. As Khadija and other bloggers have mentioned before, many blacks across all socio-economic levels have adopted low class gutter values.

When I think of it takes a village it will fail. It will be hard, thankless, and dangerous for decent folks with common sense to correct others in this fashion. Not only because as Gina said on her blog the village is bombed out and filled with tired overworked elders, but because as Goldenah stated – many black parents have scrambled eggs for brains.

We have heard the stories of teachers who have corrected a student who was in the wrong behavior wise and then got cussed out or were physically attacked by both student and parent. And a lot of these teachers in black schools are BW and we see how they are treated/supported. What random neighbor/do-gooder/village dweller is going to sign up for that?

I saw an attractive BG (maybe late teens) just the other day while shopping (holiday sales) who pulled up in a minivan drinking a beer.

Um yes.

She got out of the car inhaled snot up her nose, hacked it to the back of her throat, and spit the most ginormus multi-ounce-d globber of phlegm onto the sidewalk. What the hades?

I thought that was the nastiest most unladylike thing I have ever seen in my life, but do you think I am going to risk anything to tell her otherwise?

Just think some of these children belong to the parents of those people in Cleveland Texas who said “well I will tell my son to ask for ID the next time [emphasis mine] he decides to run a train”. Some of these children belong to parents who watched the R. Kelley child porn tape. Some of these children belong to BW who wish to have the child declared mentally incompetent to they can get a crazy check. Some of these children belong to the 52 year old BM who still had rims, plays loud music, and wears his pants to his knees.

I think lines should be drawn and dead weight must be cut.

We can provide water (or general instruction) and let the horse drink on its own (but not personal correction as that can be too dangerous).

Starting with the new gen – the very very young for me is safest. The others can get in where they fit in. If not I am moving on.

GoldenAh: Village has to mean immediate family, distant family or tight knit circle of close-close-close friends. And I don’t know if enough people have a strong support network. I think of that woman, in Texas, who killed herself and tried to murder her children, because the government didn’t give her aid. Not to criticize her, but couldn’t the family of the children help? I guess when it comes to being in dire straits people really do find out who has their back.

All of these misfits you noted are on government assistance. How does a society survive if they’re the ones having the most children?

Yeah, those old old men playing at being young thugs. Sickening. The young males certainly do learn their degeneracy from them. They are their Daddy’s children. And I blame a lot of this on the drug(s) and drug culture. We got a lot of zombies walking around.
Oshun
December 5th, 2011 @ 11:29 AM

@ MsMellody

I am glad to be of help. I hope to and plan to spread my wings internationally more in the future. It was so different. Like I said I know Mexico has a lot of stuff going on, but I felt so safe and protected there because of the men.

I had contacted the owner of the swirling site, but I am having such difficulty finding a good photographer within my budget.

Yes the contempt and casual cruelty! You gave an excellent example of the BW and the older and younger BM! It takes so many forms.

@Mahogany

“For example, I’ve noticed that people aren’t ASKING bw to do things they are suggesting or telling her. When she says “No, I don’t feel like doing that” people shriek back as though she committed a crime. And then the negotiation begins.”

I have experienced this. Its like BW have got too many people trained to expect that we are their lap dogs. Like how BM have all these other folks thinking that all BP are their water carriers. Some things, many things are not up for negotiation.
Oshun
December 5th, 2011 @ 11:35 AM

@ Shocol

I see your point. But it is so sad to me that BW are still being hoodwinked by this mess.

@MsMellody

You know, I think you are on to something. IR among BW would probably be off the charts by now if that trend continued as it seems despite the social climate back then we were viewed in a much more positive light and were married IR more then than now.
Oshun
December 5th, 2011 @ 11:41 AM

““It’s really true that Black men NEVER EVER want to be EMBARASSED or TOLD OFF by a white man..this would be the ultimate terror for the average damaged beyond repair black male.””

And this is probably wrong of me, but this is one of the main reasons why I wish to have a white partner, due to the BM in my family. I see my future WM husband as a source of protection. I don’t feel safe around BM.

The few times I have had the misfortune of having a date around the BM in my family it was like a switch flipped and the DBR negros suddenly struck a gold vein and instantly mined some common sense and decorum.

They talk, but they are scared of WM.

And this tells me that they know better, but simply choose evil against BW and children.
Mahogany
December 5th, 2011 @ 5:08 PM

@ Oshun

“I see my future WM husband as a source of protection. I don’t feel safe around BM.”

Tell me. Tell me. I feel the same way.
I avoid BM groups in public. Sometimes I don’t like walking in front of them b/c I feel as though they are looking at my curves in lust. I know other race men may be doing the same but its in tact if that makes since. They don’t become verbal and disrespectful. I remember walking down the street and a group of men were sitting down and they were commenting on my body parts, ALOUD, FROM ACROSS THE STREET. I heard every word. Me being young and naive listened and felt like I didn’t measure up to the one who had something negative to say. I’M IN MY MID 30′S NOW AND I KNOW A HECK OF A LOT BETTER. Thank you Jesus for BWE blog’s.

I remember when I was in my early 20′s, I would think that dark skinned BM with thick dark lips were attractive. I wouldn’t imagine kissing a pair of those thick black lips now due to the collective behavior patterns towards BW and children. I really don’t find BM attractive anymore.

Even the ones who don’t abuse BW and children I wouldn’t be interested in b/c they don’t DO ANYTHING when they see this abuse happening. Just like the girl vs. the guys in Ms. Mellody’s story above.

You know, when BM prompt their nonBW up to say “ah she is better than you” I think to myself…now the WM RULES, this world, takes care of his children, is in POWER in corporate america and other places, hmmmm…If I were to become his wife oh how greatly I would benefit. I would of course LOVE my husband to pieces, but I’m talking about the comparative stuff that people “put up” as a weapon. Sheesh. I tell ya.
MsMellody
December 5th, 2011 @ 6:32 PM

@ Oshun & @ Mahogany

Thank you both for your kind words – HOWEVER – I cannot take credit for the story about that incident at the cafe, as I said in my earlier comment this story came from Evia’s blog. She (Evia) was the one that witnessed that clear example of casual cruelty/contempt.

I respect deeply these women who take the time out to write from their hearts and heads..and as such I could and would never take credit for their writings. Just wanted to be clear.

Also – my attempt at laying out those issues was greatly greatly impacted by the writings of Betty, Khadija, and Evia, CW, Lorraine.
Just wanted to be clear-if and when you do go to their blogs you will see bits and pieces of everything that I LEARNED FROM THEM in that comment.

Now – as to your comment Oshun—-Girl don’t feel no ways shamed about that!!! Yes..you are becoming instantly clear about your growing knowledge and awakening to what has been happening to bw. You are now mentally availing yourself to the idea and very REAL choices that you have. When you said..”… this is one of the main reasons why I wish to have a white partner, due to the BM in my family. I see my future WM husband as a source of protection. I don’t feel safe around BM.”

This feeling of wanting to be protected is one of your gender birthrights as a woman. You have every right to want and desire to be protected. NOT ENOUGH BWs recognize this innate desire..they (other bws) have been “she-maled” into abnormal behavior patterns of being both the man and woman in their homes, to being the “protectors” of the neighborhoods, to “defend” the black community ( see the link over at Khadija – where she talks about a Chicago short-lived initiative where these well intentioned but HIGHLY misinformed black women were starting up some kind od “Deborah” movement on the south side to help DEFEND and PROTECT the neighborhood..by patroling the neighborhood in numbers!! Like volunteer POLICE MEN!!! )etc, etc.

So no – Oshun you follow through on that desire. You let that desire light your pathway which will lead you right to your wm husband.

Now – Mahogany

Please don’t mistake some comment from a few white males speaking negatively against a few random white females as a “sudden turn” in how the probable collective of white males view the probable collective of white women.

No..don’t you let some random comment from some tv show confuse you in the least bit.

You better take a moment to recognize the lenghth, width, and breadth..and depth of the white male power structure. Of which white females pull from. They (white females) have power bases working actively in their defense, future and destiny.

So that means some random comment here and there by a no -name ( meaning non famous, meaning non-powerful, meaning non-organized ) person will make a dent in their (white female) power structure/base.

Now in terms of this no-name person. Let’s say that on that talk show somebody like Ryan Phillipe ( just pulled this famous person’s name out of the air for this example) went on Dr.Phil and said ..”You know what Dr.Phil..since my white wife left me ..I now think all white females are a piece of [fill in your own expletive filled sentence here]”

I think you know full well there would be an unleashing tidal wave of a sh*t storm upon Ryan Phillipe’s head, the PR machine would kick into full gear..and then you’d see the ORGANIZATIONS would come out of nowhere..lifting up/defending/protecting/projecting etc for white females.

In short ( Im trying to learn how to be short versed LOL!!) no, you will never ever see white males in NUMBERS or as a PROBABLE COLLECTIVE come out and PUBLICLY put down women. That is because it is NOT in their cultural training to do such. And also the white male collective get’s on with the business of taking care of business- quietly – cooperatively – consciously – from a generational perspective. And in light of this kind of thinking it would be next to NEVER when you would hear/see a collective or a probable collective of white men speaking against white women or ANY women for that matter.
Mahogany
December 5th, 2011 @ 7:28 PM

@Ms. Mellody,

Excellent response. I agree with a lot of what you said. My comments were observations of some reoccuring comments I hear from WM on tv, blogs and in live conversation. I certainly agree that they don’t put a dent in the protective structure though. Not at all.

But even with that, their dislike is not equal to flat out hatred.

Thank you for your response.
MsMellody
December 5th, 2011 @ 7:39 PM

@ Mahogany

You are sooo right. And this flat out hatred is just what that casual cruelty and contempt comes from.

I guess sometimes some bw just don’t get it – when you do EVERYTHING that a man is SUPPOSED to do in the relationship – HE WILL RESENT YOU FOR IT. Plain and simple.

No need to stand around with your hand on your head wondering why???? – It’s just a plain simple fact of the nature of men. When you TAKE AWAY their innate position..they (men whether black or white or persian or indian or asian etc etc ) will HATE you for it.

And this hate is demonstrated in subtle, or even un-subtle ways.

Case closed. Thank you Betty for sparking such a lively conversation with your post!!
Andrea
December 7th, 2011 @ 6:07 PM

Hi Goldenah! Gald you’re back. Had me worried there for a while.

“I guess sometimes some bw just don’t get it – when you do EVERYTHING that a man is SUPPOSED to do in the relationship – HE WILL RESENT YOU FOR IT. Plain and simple.”
~MsMellody

I agree with this 100%. And because MOST BM don’t want to do anything for BW in a “relationship”, they should wise up and leave their trifling behinds alone!

These idiots are all over the internet saying that they want a woman who can do for herself (hiding behind feminism), but they always treat such women like sh*t.

GoldenAh: I’m glad to be back. Lemme say that with these vendors today, even when you try and pay them they wont take your money! Some companies are working hard to put themselves out of business. It’s really a bizarre period of time we’re living in.

Glad to hear from you Andrea, thanks for stopping by and adding to the discussion.
Andrea
December 7th, 2011 @ 6:23 PM

#14 on your list is my biggest pet peeve with BM and women. If you would not say or do these things to a White person, who you claim is your “enemy /oppressor” why in the world would you do or say such things to another BP? It boggles the mind.

Such behavior is (to me) a true sign of “self-hatred”. Not choosing a decent, kind, ambitious and financially stable man who’s not “Black”; not having legitimate children with non-Black men, not relaxing or dyeing one’s hair, and not moving away from a dangerous, all-Black enclave to a safe, multi-cultural (or mostly White) suburban area.

There are sooooo many Black people who seriously need to get real about these things!

GoldenAh: Good points, Andrea. I’ve seen this behavior since childhood, bold as brass with each other, meek and docile around others. Never could respect anyone like that. Treat everyone the same or don’t bother.

And to paraphrase Sherry, “familiarity means there are NO boundaries, and that they don’t have to be courteous or kind to others they are trying to engage.”
Oshun
December 8th, 2011 @ 7:06 AM

@ Goldenah

Yes, I am committed. I know in my heart that is the only way – protection is huge for me right now at some point and I have never felt that before. I never thought about it or felt it that intensely, but I think I have emotionally vs intellectually realized that this is something I can’t effectively do for myself and its kind of unsettling to realize this on a feeling level. Especially when factoring what being unprotected really means.

“Girl, it took you 2 to 3 days to feel sad? Once I’m at the gate at customs it all comes crashing down. LOL. ”

I was THAT high! LOL I was so oblivious! Just floating along and then I hit the wall hard.

“I haven’t flown since they introduced those rape-I-scanners at the airports, and I am thinking of going to Australia at the end of this year. I dunno how I’m gonna wrangle it. The thought of a 10 to 15 hour flight makes me want to pull my hair out.”

Good luck to you with that! I am rooting for you and your trip. I luckily missed the scanners. We don’t have them in our airport here, but in Phoenix I missed the bullet by a hair. They tagged a pregnant WW in front of me to be patted and an elderly WW in front of me to go through the scanner. It was so sad. The pregnant woman behaved as if she didn’t want to go or leaver her belongings and I can understand that. And the elderly WW looked like she was in shock. I couldn’t blame her. This stuff is so sick and ridiculous. Are we the criminals now?

“Village has to mean immediate family, distant family or tight knit circle of close-close-close friends. And I don’t know if enough people have a strong support network.”

Agreed. Due to the lack of solid marriages and stable families – this is the result.

“I think of that woman, in Texas, who killed herself and tried to murder her children, because the government didn’t give her aid. Not to criticize her, but couldn’t the family of the children help? I guess when it comes to being in dire straits people really do find out who has their back.”

She was a “strong BW”. Of course her family wasn’t going to help. Thats how some get so “strong” bc of the lack of help. We are “raised” and have to do for self no matter what. Now that social safety nets are frayed a lot of the cracks in “strong” will show. Women can’t do this alone. Its impossible. She’s not the only case. I think there was another woman living in a house without utilities last year and a number of her children were dead in the home with her or something to that effect.

At any rate I was on a board with whites who were discussing this and the first question that was asked was:

“Where is the father and how did HE allow his children to get in this state? Why didn’t HE intervene when he saw things getting this bad?”

I guess if HE cared they wouldn’t have been applying for food stamps in the first place.
Oshun
December 8th, 2011 @ 10:07 AM

@Mahogany

I missed your comment!

I unfortunately have experienced the same thing in public. I am sorry you (like many other BW/BG) have experienced that type of harassment.

Its almost like being on the slave auction block walking around BM. Your body parts are scrutinized in such a way and to take it a step further dating BM feels the same way.

When I was dating them I felt like livestock being examined before purchase. I was asked about my hair- was it real, its texture, skin complexion etc.. And then asked if I were “mixed” or had “more” in my family. The disappointment was palatable when I would say no. They were sooo sad about that.

The assessment and quantifying of whiteness as if I were a breed of cattle was too much. It was demoralizing and humiliating and I had no words for it at the time, but I felt so badly afterwards. I felt robbed of my humanity. As if I were just a collection of parts – not a person.

I am glad I don’t have to go through that anymore.

“I think to myself…now the WM RULES, this world, takes care of his children, is in POWER in corporate america and other places, hmmmm…If I were to become his wife oh how greatly I would benefit.”

THIS! And depending on how they are situated even if they are not in the top % of whatever – I still think there are benefits.

For example: I was reading on this anti-TSA board yesterday about how this blonde/blue WM was married to a Carribean woman. He didn’t go into details about nation but he said she had dark looks. He said when they were traveling if a TSA agent didn’t realize they were together – his wife was sure to get the thorough roughed up once over. But when they saw she was with him – she was waved through. He even admitted that he has never been searched or scanned. And when his wife is singled out he usually asks “whats the hold up?” and they let her pass.

Benefits indeed.

@MsMellody

Thank you for saying that. Its sad that the men in my family are so damned sorry. So I am kind of feeling the pressure and that its critical for me align myself with a man who really is the antithesis of them. She (my mom)doesn’t get how now it the time to cut losses and that she will suffer due to how the men in my family are. I have called 5 incidents in this past year telling her the things I see with her son and one of her brothers that have played out exactly as I called them and she won’t listen – beforehand.

I told her point blank and it hurt me to say it, but I refuse to “rescue” her anymore. I literally can’t afford to with all the stuff I have going on in trying to get myself situated. I keep stressing to her that she is an elder and these things are harder to recover from financially, emotionally etc as you get older. And I have limitations therefore I can’t just drop everything and make it better for her on a FOREVER basis.
Andrea
December 8th, 2011 @ 8:40 PM

“I told her point blank and it hurt me to say it, but I refuse to “rescue” her anymore. I literally can’t afford to with all the stuff I have going on in trying to get myself situated. I keep stressing to her that she is an elder and these things are harder to recover from financially, emotionally etc as you get older. And I have limitations therefore I can’t just drop everything and make it better for her on a FOREVER basis.”
~Oshun

You did the right thing. Believe me I know. When I cut my financial ties to my mother she had no choice but to let grown men do for themselves. Now the main leech refuses to speak to her or visit, but it’s no loss. He only called or visited to beg for money or be waited upon by an elderly woman with a severe vision problem anyways. The other leech, stays in touch but no longer asks for money, which she has discovered is far more satisfying than a request for money.

“When I was dating them I felt like livestock being examined before purchase. I was asked about my hair- was it real, its texture, skin complexion etc.. And then asked if I were “mixed” or had “more” in my family. The disappointment was palatable when I would say no. They were sooo sad about that.
The assessment and quantifying of whiteness as if I were a breed of cattle was too much. It was demoralizing and humiliating and I had no words for it at the time, but I felt so badly afterwards. I felt robbed of my humanity. As if I were just a collection of parts – not a person.”
~Oshun

This is why I can count the number of African American men I’ve dated on one hand, with 4 fingers amputated. I refuse to spend my time in the company of ANYONE who sees me as a thing instead of a person, like them. And yet, we (BW) should not even expect them (BM) to even be able to hold down a job. Any job! That would make us “gold-diggers”. SMH.

It actually amazes me that there are women –of any color– who want a BM. They are so bottom of the barrel it is RIDICULOUS!
Oshun
December 9th, 2011 @ 11:31 AM

Thank you for saying that Andrea. I have nursed my mom back to back through two major illnesses. A heart attack and a kidney tumor and subsequent surgery. I dropped everything each time (the first time I lived out of state) to take care of her. Which I don’t mind because I love my mother.

This last time I had to care for her like a baby. Literally she couldn’t walk, bathe nothing. I worked on and with her and her medical staff until she made a complete recovery and she is now off her diabetic meds to boot.

My brother threatened my mom when she was at her most vulnerable the last time she was recovering from surgery. Seems like all the security precautions that had to be taken when she was in the hospital (hiding her, taking her off the hospital register, alerting security to keep him away from the grounds) would have made her learn her lesson. She even had to change the locks on her house.

In a nutshell my brother is manipulative and he comes across to her as the “dreamweaver”. He promises my mother the sky, will do 1/16 of what he promised so it looks like he is doing something (and so he can tell others that he has done something) and then she gets ensnared and is on the hook for the other 15/16′s. This usually means some sort of financial outlay or intensive labor.

He gives her bad medical advice that is contrary to what her doctors tell her which makes my helping her that much more difficult. In addition to yelling at her, being disrespectful, putting her down, attacking her looks, bereating her with religion etc.

I am angry because I told her I no longer wanted him around and she needs to lay down some boundaries. But over the holidays they were so cozy acting like he never threatened to kill her.

I have stopped speaking to her and offering her emotional support. And she wonders what is wrong. As if I am bizarre and she is not.

This is painful. And I am just too done.

Her brother and she has one or two sisters who are outright leeches. But time and time again she loves to fall for the cons my brother runs on her and in the past I would step in and cover the financial shortfalls, sort legal issues, prevent medical catastrophes, or give her emotional support.

I am tired. I am tired of literally repeating myself over and over again and warning her. I am tired of being upset and not having peace in my life. I am tired of trying to protect her and get her to protect herself and she sabotages that by now inviting him over for hours inside the house.

When she was in the hospital he already told others that her home was his home and that he let her live in it. When she was sick he never bought one grocery, one medicine, nothing and yet has bragged to everyone about how much he “loves” his mother and how much he does for her. Yet he told her in front of the doctor that he was going to make her pay.

I could go on and on. And her religious friends tell her to forgive and that she needs to be a bigger person towards him. I told her if she does she is a fool and those are not her friends. How do you go back to “normal” after your son has tried to kill you?

I can’t do it anymore. If she wants to let him take her down then so be it.

I was planing my life in such a way to be there for her. Her health is better, but she is a fall risk, and still has her heart and high blood pressure issues. I even told her so.

But now I think maybe I should just leave her and him to it. Maybe this is some kind of Shakespearean Tragedy that she needs to play out. Maybe it is her destiny for him to murder her.

I just know I can’t deal with this stress anymore. I have to let go.

Re: BM

It seems that when it comes to BM, those at the top of the heap are still at the bottom of the barrel.

GoldenAh: Sorry to read about your troubles with your family, Oshun, especially with your Mother. Being a caretaker is one of the most draining and possibly unrewarding roles in life. I don’t think I have the wherewithal to do like you have. You are a very strong and caring person. I think if you feel that you need to let go – you’ve done all that you can – guilt shouldn’t be holding you down or restricting your life choices.

Parents assign a role to each child and they never change from that, no matter what happens later in life. She knows he’s irresponsible, but he’s the “fun” one. You are the caretaker. And we know how much mothers feel about their sons: they can do no wrong. It’s lose-lose for the daughters.

You obviously are not a callous person, so I think you can allow yourself to help, but not be drawn in so much that it causes you pain. That’s when it is time to step away. If it starts to feel like a thankless task, that’s when it’s time to take off. Making yourself inaccessible is a good start.

And if you can find someone to help you, lean on them. I urge you to.

Take good care of yourself, don’t let anyone or anything dissuade you from doing that. It’s absolutely, wonderfully and positively okay to be selfish (nearly 99% of the time, not just on nice trips). You owe it to yourself.
Andrea
December 9th, 2011 @ 3:43 PM

@Oshun

Since your mother has refused to listen to your counsel, you are absolutely right to steer clear of the situation. If your mother doesn’t care enough about her life to protect herself from her worst enemy — her son, there is nothing you can do for her. These Bible thumping idiots always incorrectly use the Bible to justify stupidity, even unto their own deaths and those of others. (Jennifer Hudson’s family probably let their murderer into their home because it was the “Christian” thing to do.)

But your mother may surprise you — now that she can’t lean on you, and cut him off once and for all. It took a death threat from a mentally ill relative of ours (my cousin, her niece) for my mother to see that having this person around would not be in her best interests. (She felt sorry for her, because none of her other relatives wanted anything to do with her.) But only after I promised that I would not be there for their “visits” to protect her. Sometimes survival instincts trump the need to please, or be morally perfect.

The martyr complex ingrained into BW from birth needs to be dealt with, but the Black church/ BC will never do it. If they did, who would they use, drain dry,then scapegoat in the future?
jubilee
December 10th, 2011 @ 3:27 AM

all I can say is….BLAME RAP MUSIC!! as weird as this stuff sounds, it didn’t really git reeeeal bad until the early 80s. We black women just dug the beat, then WE got dug into, and now the WOMEN are ‘rapping’. Music is hypnotic….REMEMBER THE 50s? when songs were about love and marriage? most people were marrying. etc.
jubilee
December 10th, 2011 @ 3:46 AM

..oops also the so called AFROCENTRIC MOVEMENT of the late 60s, has also left black women ‘high and dry’ with their afros, etc. Heck the bros wanted you to braid up their hairr back then since men didnt braid well. Yes they wanted and went to the non black women first. BTW, i have a non black husband who helps me with my hair, like taking braids out and flatironing my hair, etc. Has any brothers ever helped a Black wife with her hair? Or does he have an inferiority complex so bad that it triumphs love.Yes I know all black men arent like this. We cant and dont put them all in one box. They just gotta get out of the ghetto.
Oshun
December 11th, 2011 @ 10:42 PM

Thank you so much Andrea for the comments and support. It can be so isolating at times when there are no real life people nearby who have common sense.

I agree with you on the twisted church doctrine.

All the people around her are pushing her to “forgive” and approach him and “have a talk”. “You are the mother- you should be the bigger person.” Etc

To me that is like saying to him “what you did was ok with me and you can have access to try and do it again.” He is hardly sorry. He didn’t apologize and didn’t even ask me if she needed anything the whole time I was caring for her.

I suggested that if she must forgive him do it internally and still maintain distance/limit access in order to keep herself safe.
Andrea
December 13th, 2011 @ 12:04 AM

“Thank you so much Andrea for the comments and support. It can be so isolating at times when there are no real life people nearby who have common sense.”
@Oshun

You’re welcome, Oshun. I know how that is.

Up until the death threats from my cousin, my sister and her husband tried to convince me that I was wrong not to want anything to do with my cousin. And these people have NEVER had anything to do with her themselves, and would probably have simultaneous strokes if I gave her their address. But, for years now, they have suggested (before things got really bad with her behavior) that I was being un-Christian.

These two people invited my mother to stay with them when I was sick years ago, and had to be hospitalized at the same time that my mother was also ill (I was staying with her then), and then rescinded their invite 2 days before I went into the hospital, suggesting that the 1st leech I told you about (who has stolen from all of us time and again, and is super nasty and useless) come and stay with her and stay in my room!! you know, so he steal what ever wasn’t nailed down and maybe crap in my bed to boot (he had a history of doing this). So apparently, the person who expected my sick mother to wait on him no matter what was to create a mess of the house, so that I would have to clean it all when I came back from the hospital, after having major SURGERY, because they could not be bothered to have her in their spacious 4-BR home.

You told your mom the right thing. You can forgive someone without having to spend time in their company. And you may want to have her ask her friends if her violent son can stay with any one of them? Because they care so much about him, and do not (I imagine) share her health concerns it shouldn’t be a big deal for them, right? Lol. I doubt a single one will say yes, and then she will see who these people really are.

@jubilee

I wish I could believe that pop culture was responsible for BM bad behavior, but I have it on good authority that many BM were a-holes long before.

Take the novel “The Color Purple” for instance. Alice Walker and her family had to go into hiding because of the death threats against her from BM. BM were extremely angry that she had outed their behavior toward BW, which, up until then, had actually been a secret. And that was a LONG time ago. Today, BM send death threats to BWE and BW/non-BM IRR blogs daily, they post hate-filled misogynist diatribes on their blogs. As the saying goes, “The more things change the more they stay the same.”
Andrea
December 13th, 2011 @ 12:09 AM

@Oshun

I should add that my favorite cousin — the estranged sister of the crazy cousin, came and stayed with my mom. I am deeply grateful to her for that. My own sister didn’t even offer to stay with my mom at her house.
joeclyde
December 13th, 2011 @ 8:02 AM

Do all BWE sites obsess about Black men?

GoldenAh: A government IP address!!! What the buck? Is this what my tax dollars are paying for?!? No wonder the gubmint is such a messy cluster#uck: it’s stuffed to the gills with overcompensated, under-qualified negroes with too much time on their grubby little hands. Is that what the job entails, surfing the web and monitoring black women’s websites? Time for the government to downsize! My Congressman needs to know about this. And I bet there’s gotta be a Federal Law being broken here….

Hey, joeclyde, we talk about a lot of subjects on these BWE sites. It’s just that somehow out of the 200 posts and 1,500 plus comments you managed to hone in on the ones that you most identified with. The expression “a struck dog hollers” is mighty apropos here.

Have a nice day.

And try to earn your paycheck, okay?
Andrea
December 16th, 2011 @ 12:29 AM

@Goldenah

Wow! joeclyde is using government property and bandwith to harass BWE bloggers. Why am I not surprised? And he commented on another post nine minutes later. “Our tax dollars at work.” Lol.

Why is he here? I don’t get it. Does he visit other blogs he thinks are anti-BM, like Stormfront or the New Republic, for example? I doubt it. And those sites actually are anti-BM (and anyone else who is not White), this blog is not.

GoldenAh: Notice that he never addresses the criticism? I bet he’s guilty of the some of the behaviors on that list. And he probably expects black women to endure that intrusive rudeness, because he’s a black male and that’s a privilege they feel they are entitled to. Finding out that some of us don’t like that kind of behavior must be a shock.

I have news for him, if we were going through this with other races you know he’d be happy to see them getting “exposed” and “bashed”. Unfortunately for him, the worst behaviors I’ve encountered have come from the “brothas”. Hopefully, at least one of them might ruminate on it and realize that being rude isn’t “keeping it real” – it just means less people will have patience with ALL of THEM. Life’s life that. We get judged by the worst amongst us. And we can clearly see how nobody is lifting a finger to raise the boys (and girls) right.

Oh yeah, of course, he’ll never confront the hardcore anti-black sites. It’s easier to stalk and bother black women bloggers. No surprise there. We’re the only avenue where they feel they can successfully exert control over. Not anymore.

Thank you for your comments, Andrea. Happy Holidays.
Andrea
December 17th, 2011 @ 12:01 AM

Happy Holidays to you, GoldenAh!
belleafrique
December 18th, 2011 @ 5:33 AM

This article makes for very interesting reading. I face a lot of street harrassment from black men here in Africa. It is disheartening to realize that they act the same way everywhere.

So is this like a universal black man thing?

Shouting at random women and demanding they stop and talk to you?

I avoid such guys because they are threatening.

GoldenAh: When I visited Europe, the black men were quiet, although an English sistah (with Caribbean roots) told me they liked to harass her.

To answer your main question: I dunno. But it’s a nasty habit that they need to stop. It is not universal among men who have some sense and decency.

And you are absolutely correct to avoid them. There’s a big big different between a civilized greeting and sounding threatening. You are following gut instincts: never doubt it.

Great to hear from your perspective, Belleafrique. Thank you for stopping by.
chic noir
January 16th, 2012 @ 11:10 PM

*chic noir steps in to betty’s chamber with flowers and a scented candle*

Hello Betty

I love your blog. You can certainly tell folks off the right way.

I’m with you on asking women to “smile” I hate it hate it hate it. Why don’t men ask the muscular 6’5 guy frowning in the corner to “smile”.

GoldenAh: Thank you, darling! I love flowers and scented candles.

That command to smile is such an intrusion, I’d like to Tazer the guy saying it. That’s how much I like that kind of ish.

Glad to have you stop by and say hello, Chic Noir. Don’t be a stranger.
Inuejo
January 21st, 2012 @ 8:41 PM

Very well written and exceptionally true on all fronts.

Too many Black males are overly comfortable with denigrating Black women in nearly all scenarios.

When I entered grad school a few years ago I was shocked to be subjected to verbal abuse and insults by a Black male classmate, in the name of “jokes” and having fun. It went on for months, with him teasing and grabbing my arms and such, as if we were lifelong buddies. It ended with me eventually cussing him in out after he went so far as to make fun of my natural hairstyle in front of other classmates.

Even in academia, many black men remain hopelessly damaged.

GoldenAh: These guys live to stress a black woman out. I swear. They are just utter failures as decent human beings. They make me sick. Usually I ignore ‘em, but the ones who like to get in my face and bother me … they need to be careful. I live by a three strike rule. Every time it happens, tell them to stop it. Warn ‘em, if they don’t stop, they will pay a heavy cost. In cases like this: you complain to the professor, if no satisfaction, then you complain to the dean, followed by campus police, and if push comes to shove you tell the city or town police. If it’s extreme, then maybe you change the class or even the school you are attending.

Black women must let ‘em know: if they continue to bother you, then you will report them to the authorities, and keep at it until you get satisfaction. Don’t yell it, don’t hesitate, just be matter of fact about it. You have the right to be unmolested. No one has any right to verbally abuse or touch you. And no black woman should believe in the “giving a brotha a chance” mantra. We’re getting damaged by this permissiveness. If none of them can show you any respect or courtesy, you have the right to use all social and legal means to get them to back the eff off.

I’ve been in the same situation(s) countless times, Inuejo. {{Hugs}}
Eva
February 13th, 2012 @ 3:54 PM

I happened upon this wonderful blog a few days ago and this entry spoke to me. I believe there is a SERIOUS problem with boundaries in the black community. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be left alone, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be quiet. I also believe that sexism has a lot to do with this. Men are allowed to be the “strong, silent types.” If a woman wants to be quiet, she’s “anti-social” she’s “mean” she’s “a witch,” she’s, “a crazy cat lady, going to die an old maid, eaten by her hundred cats.”

The list goes on. The point is that men are allowed to have boundaries, men can be quiet if they want to be. Women on the other hand are expected to be social and accommodating, ALL THE TIME. It’s like we’re supposed to be robots that men turn on and we’ll just spring to attention. Yuk. Everybody needs time to decompress and have alone time.

GoldenAh: Couldn’t have said it better, Eva. I completely agree.
joan
June 21st, 2012 @ 7:37 AM

God must truly love and be looking out for me!I have been wondering for a few years now about the situation of the Black woman. I am an educated lady from Africa and i feel as though all the commentators here are speaking about my country! My God, why can’t someone bring up the topic of ‘BLACK WOMEN AROUND THE WORLD BEING MISTREATED IN THE HANDS OF BLACK MEN’ and require that young girls at school are forced to take it as a course?!!All the stuff you are talking about happens in Africa!! Only, its worse- much worse.When a girl gets educated and exposed to other kinder-towards-women cultures, THEN-AND ONLY THEN- does she start to think about her situation. I TELL YOU- EDUCATED AFRICAN WOMEN ARE IN THE WORST POSITION!!YES, THEY ARE IN A WORSE POSITION BECAUSE EVEN IF THEY WISH TO DATE INTER RACIALLY, THERE ARE NOT MANY MEN OF OTHER RACES IN AFRICAN COUNTRIES. So the educated women have to pray and save up and relocate to other lands in order to marry!YES! This is happening right now! Many of my friends want to leave the country for just THAT reason! BECAUSE once you have been exposed to other cultures that treat women nicely, are you going to want to go back and start kowtowing to a man for whom you have to wash, clean, cook, take verbal abuse always, get PHYSICALLY ABUSED often, bear at least four to five babies (if even one of the babies is female, it does not count- so A WOMAN can bear even eight or nine babies looking for the elusive boy)-and also do not forget getting raped on a daily basis- YES- I SAID RAPED! TRADITIONALLY, AFRICAN MEN DO NOT BELIEVE THAT ‘GOOD’ WOMEN ENJOY INTIMACY- WATCH THE MOVIE ‘WHITE MASAI’. Which woman in her right senses wants to go back to that? Educated African women finish their studies and then are left in a quandary- by this time they are in their thirties and personally wish to marry themselves. But they look around them and see the way women are raped, burned, assaulted in all manner of horrendous ways, mutilated in the name of culture, and begin to die within themselves slowly, and the educated women begin to despair! They are in a situation that they did not foresee before because they were so busy studying. SOMETIMES THE Black WOMEN WHO ARE SO SUCCESSFUL GROW VERY BITTER WITH LIFE. They see their White female companions who are their age getting married to caring and loving men while they are in a situation in which they are ‘bound’ from all angles. they RUN to church to try to ‘belong’ somewhere in vain. A Japanese friend commented to me that that is why African and African American women are so religious. They smile and pretend that they are fine but are so wounded and twisted inside, it is a marvel that they are still breathing. I did not mean to rant so much, but i had to get it off my chest. I am so very pleased to come across a site that talks about the TRUTH about the painful realities of life in this world as a Black woman. The most painful thing is how Black men sort of know what’s going on with Black women- and turn round to hurt them with it. They start feeling like they are GODS ON THE EARTH and start dishing out all sorts of crappy behavior. The incidences of assault in East Africa in the last 10 years have grown as much as the collective GDP’s. One would think that with education, the men’s behavior would improve! Instead, they just get worse- and treat their women like dung. They usually imply to the poor woman, ‘if you don’t like it, you can leave’- knowing that another desperate woman will very likely be panting at the door to take her place. And the truth is that they are usually right.African newspapers are awash on a daily basis with reports of murders, burnings, molestations, assaults and all manner of mistreatment s visited on women by their ‘boyfriends and husbands’. Educated African women want to escape this, but where shall they go??? Where shall they marry???Who will accept them if not African men??? The level of bitterness among many educated African women is truly astounding.But it is so nice to see this subject being addressed somewhere- it feels like breathing clearly for the first time after aeons of being smothered…

GoldenAh: Girlfriend, this is a tidal wave right here. I’ll have to digest this and get back to you….
FoxyCleopatra
June 22nd, 2012 @ 3:09 PM

@Joan,

I get you. To be honest, marriage is probably the main motivation/reason as to why I have not gone back and decided to stay back a bit after I graduated from university. I intend on going back, but only AFTER I’m married or engaged. I don’t completely exclude bm from my dating pool, however I don’t place them at the top. Before I just used to be like, well whatever colour, I’ll consider as long as he meets my criteria. However, doing that, I realised the following:

1) MOST bm did not meet the criteria.

2) The bm who did meet my criteria were mostly African but then have extremely backward-ass views on gender roles and issues. This included the very educated ones. By the way, I am quite traditional when it comes to relationships and marriage. Not only do I like, but I ENJOY being the ‘damsel’/lady etc but when you get into conversations with some of these African men, you’ll just be like wtf. As for the western bm, I couldn’t even be bothered to make the effort bcos in my opinion, I would rather deal with the bs from backward misogynistic African men that atleast know how to behave like men than deal with the same misogyny (but manifested differently) I see western bw getting from western bm while at the same time, these bm still expect the bw to take on the traditionally ‘male roles’. #ridiculous!

3) When I say what my general criteria were for what I considered a quality man and husband material, non black people did not see anything odd. Older/middle-aged Africans did not see anything odd. It was only generally western-raised blacks and younger Africans that would come up with bs like ‘thats unrealistic’, ‘you young girls of nowadays are too picky’, ‘better lower your standards or you will end up like these other lonely and single (read:black) women’. The AA/Caribean/Africans friends that did not have that mentality would always be labelled ‘haters/oreos’ etc. In uni, I found out that a lot of the bm students used to call me coconut/oreo behind my back, yet would be kissing arse and brown nosing to my face and constantly trying to ask me out. It was sooo pathetic! They didn’t realise that one of their friends (also a bm) was my genuine friend as well and had a serious crush on my twin sis. So he didn’t realise when he mistakenly blurted out some of the things those other guys used to say. Eventually, he just told us to stay away from them bcos they were not good news. Now these were guys that the average bw would say is the so called IBM (ideal black man) but I just look at some of them and think eewww!

4) These black folk who tell any bw/girl she is unrealistic for having standards are not referring to her having standards as a woman dating men, but as a black woman dating black men….although they may not come out and say it directly!

5) I have always been attracted to non black men and have never restricted myself to only bm. I grew up in Europe cos my dad worked as a diplomat then moved back to my country around the age of 10. My first crush in primary school was a Portuguese boy called Miguel. Lol. I came to the UK for university and have been here since. However in the past 3 years, I have sort of realised that I have a preference for non bm based on compatibility. However, based on physically attraction, I did not have a preference. Since I graduated however (1.5 years ago), that preference has now extended to physical attraction where I am now more physically attracted to white, asian, middle eastern, latino etc men more than I am to bm. I do not know how or when exactly it happened, however, it happened and I make no apologies for it. Especially when one considers the fact that in the UK, Caribbean-origin bm r married ir at a rate of 50% compared to 30% for the women, and African-origin bm are married ir at about 20% (similar rate for African women at about 20% as well). However, about 2 year ago, a study was done among 18-30 year old bm in the uk. It was found that among this age group, 90% of them were in relationships with non-bw. Yet some foolish bw/girls would restrict themselves to bm and wonder why they are single. I thank God I don’t have all that ‘nothin but a bm’ mentality.
I find white men and non-black men attractive and I am generally much more compatible with them than with the vast majority of bm I meet, irrespective of where they are from.

For the things you mentioned that some bw are facing, it sounded quite extreme. I guess it may differ from country to country. However since you are educated, go to parts of your country were expatriates are. Also, how about applying for jobs at multinational companies? If you can afford it, travel for holidays and MAKE SURE you interact and meet new people.

Ps: I apologise for spelling/grammatical errors in this comment. I’m typing on my blackberry. I promise I do speak English properly lol!

@GoldenAh, I absolutely love your blog. Decided to give you a shout out since this is the first time I’m commenting.

FoxyCleopatra

GoldenAh: Props to you and a big virtual {{hug}}, FoxyCleopatra.

Thank you for your thoughts. Truly awesome. And don’t apologize for the spelling / grammar, your thoughts are wonderful enough that I appreciate you sharing them. I’ve noticed the same thing about western influenced BM and African guys. Non-black men in the western world stay responsible, protective and dedicated providers, but most black men have decided to roll over and play possum.

I also thank you for responding to Joan in such detail. I love it when you ladies reach out to one another and provide assistance. I’m so pleased, because all of you have perspectives that’s different / similar and every bit of advice / profound thought helps. I learn too.

So glad to hear from you, FoxyCleopatra, and welcome aboard!
joan
June 23rd, 2012 @ 4:14 AM

Foxy Cleopatra, thanks for the support and advise.Actually i was a bit embarrassed when i saw the size of my last rant!I guess i did not realize how wound up i was when i was writing before. But i would advise any educated lady not to even listen at what the African men will say to them. The relationships in Africa are sincerely much worse than even the African newspapers present. It feels really nice to call things as they are without being accused of thinking too much of one’s self. GoldenAh, love your site. I am open to any suggestions from anyone about how to deal with this…by, the way, i was surprised, FoxyCleopatra, at your suggestion that Black American men can give more grief than Black African men! Having dealt with only the grief in Africa, i totally fail to see how any other women in the world can have it worse than us…with the exception of the pitiable ladies in Saudi Arabia and Afghanistan!

GoldenAh: Don’t feel bad about how long your comments are. A good rant is always worth it. Plus, I consider your words reporting from the heart. I’ll speak for myself, but when it comes to the perspective of African women – aside from a few stories here and there – I really don’t know what’s going on. And I don’t like to assume, because then I feel I’d be insulting something culturally I don’t understand.

So, if you have this sort of issue going on – speak truth to power, Joan. You are free to express yourself here. I know what it’s like to be frustrated and aggravated.

And if we don’t free ourselves from this deliberate and effective bondage over us – making us feel we need to be silent – how do we live at all?
JaliliMaster
June 23rd, 2012 @ 11:34 AM

Joan, the difference btw the situations with African women(living in an African country) & AA women is that those African women have nowhere to go for help(similar to the situation with Saudi and Afghan women). The police force is drawn from the same population of males who have these attitudes. In the case of AA women, they have the white man’s law enforcement(a.k.a white heat, lol) to call on. They are just guilt tripped into NOT taking advantage of It………you know, with “don’t help the white man put a ‘brotha’ down”, “so you’re gonna put another ‘good bm’ in jail”, “it’s because of racism(or some other oppression) that he is beating/raping/attacking/killing you.” If these other oppressed women around the world had the sort of law enforcement apparatus available in most western countries, they would most certainly take advantage of it.

For example: South Africa. It is not within the past decade and a half that those disgusting negroes developed the urge to rape women. They have always been that way. However, after apartheid, they got into positions that were previously closed off to them (i.e politics, law enforcement, etc., basically, everything outside the economy, those white South Africans were too smart to surrender the one thing that actually makes money & hence, gives REAL power). As a result, due to sheer numbers, they (bm) started to dominate in the police force. There was a simultaneous increase in gang rapes. This is because these negro police officers engaged in similar behaviour, so were reluctant to follow up these heinous crimes with an investigation. So they just continued raping with impunity till it became a ‘normal’ part of SA culture. The ONLY time I can remember hearing much noise from the BLACK-run SA govt on the issue was a few years ago when they started attacking white girls as they slept in their beds. White folks weren’t having that. There was one who erected a high double fence round his compound then got a wild lion and put it in between the two fences. When some negro tried to break in (presumably to rape his daughters), he was torn to pieces. Folks were calling this white man barbaric and, you guessed it, racist. As if he told the lion to only attack black males. No one wanted to ask the obvious question: what was that unfortunate negro doing, breaking into this family’s compound in the dark of the night? The fact is that this man realised that these negroes had gotten so bold as to take their dysfunction into white neighbourhoods and took a pre-emptive measure to protect the honour and safety of his wife and daughters. He saved a bullet, fed a tiger AND helped rid this world of one of its many degenerates. Killed three birds with one stone!

Joan, I agree that you should try & get a job in a multinational. They routinely transfer people between countries, so you might get to move. Also, these companies would have quite a few foreign men working in their branches located in African countries. Quite a few of them should be young enough to still be unmarried. Play your cards right! Good luck!

GoldenAh: Any country western or not, that cannot protect the helpless is doomed. And blaming racism for rampant misogyny wont work.

There has to be a culture of law and order, otherwise folks should expect to see quality of life slide, more strife and warfare. Plus, they cannot expect white people to come and make it better for them. That has to be a choice for black men who claim to be “good” must make. These are the countries they run, so they cannot make it white people’s fault for their savagery towards black women.
JaliliMaster
June 23rd, 2012 @ 11:43 AM

“He saved a bullet, fed a tiger AND helped rid this world of one of its many degenerates. Killed three birds with one stone!”

I meant to say:”fed a lion”.

Goldenah: I visit your blog A LOT. First time commenting. I had actually read this post before, a few months ago, but I’m going over some of them again so you might see my comments in some older posts.

GoldenAh: Welcome back, JaliliMaster, and great to hear from you.
Andrea
June 25th, 2012 @ 12:15 PM

@JaliliMaster

You are so correct! If other abused and oppressed women around the globe possessed our advantages they would take advantage of them pronto.

LOL at “He saved a bullet, fed a lion AND helped rid this world of one of its many degenerates. Killed three birds with one stone!”

I had no idea that it was commonplace in Africa for BM to cry “racism” when they harm someone, or try to, and get what they deserve as a result. I thought that was an AA male thing.
Andrea
June 25th, 2012 @ 12:32 PM

@Joan and @FoxyCleopatra

Good luck, ladies!
I hope you both get the men and the life that you desire.

Also, there is nothing wrong with thinking well of oneself. Based on experience, the people with the most issues, the people who feel the need to harass and denigrate others, do not think well of themselves at all. Maybe if they did they wouldn’t feel the need to drag others down to their self-imposed level.

NEVER SETTLE for something or someone you do not want.
joan
June 26th, 2012 @ 8:29 AM

@JaliliMaster, you made me laugh reading about the white guy installing a lion in his compound- i had not read about that before.I’m from East Africa and the men around are not exactly nice. But i must say, even among Africans, South Africa is one place where women just do not go.That place has become a byword for perversion. Sometimes i just do not understand what drives the male mind.I used to read about the rape of women in South Africa everyday in the newspapers. I stopped reading about it when they stated reporting that the men in South Africa were starting to ape the cretins in the Democratic Republic of Congo (formerly Zaire) by forcing all sorts of objects into women after molesting them. That stuff messes with the way you see ALL the men you come across.Recently i saw a spike in the number of women seeking passports to travel outside my country (we are having presidential elections at the end of 2012)and it occurred to me that no woman wants to be around for the fallout (if it happens)when war breaks out after the elections. Its amazing. It seems more and more that the only solution for African women who wish for peace is to relocate permanently from the nations of their birth. I am baffled that there are any white people left in South Africa. I really do not understand any woman who wishes to relocate to any nation in the African continent.