BETTY CHAMBERS

Narcissism for Black Women: The Very Good and Healthy Expression of Deep Self-Love, and Extreme Self-Devotion. Why? Because It's Good For Ya! And Sometimes I Write about Natural Hair, Among Other Things


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For Black Women: Don’t Ever Ask For Permission To Live

Posted on | March 5, 2012 | 9 Comments

Spring is coming. Well, up here in the Northeast it’s coming. I’m sure for those of you around the country (or world) the weather is different. Could be blazing hot right now, eh?

I haven’t been pro-active enough lately, or the last couple of months. I think I’ve spent more of it catching up, because I’ve let so many personal things go by the wayside. I’m a procrastinator. It’s true. πŸ™‚

I want to encourage those of you who are feeling a bit blue to look forward to the next few months, or years, of your life. I think the last two or three years have been a wake up call. We’re seeing relatively “young” celebrities, rich folk, public intellectuals and entertainers die way way way before their time. And here we are simple, regular folk, slogging through each day wondering how people with “everything” could pass so easily.

There you have it: even the wealthy, famous and “perfect” can suddenly die.

Oh, I meant to cheer you up. Sorry. πŸ™‚

I want to encourage you. Push you. Gently. To refocus.

Think about what you want. What you want! What you NEED. What you DESIRE. What you feel you DESERVE.

You ain’t here to please nobody. So don’t let any naysayers, toxic people, or the crabs in your life know about your wishes. Only share it with those who really do love you.

And that’s another thing. Please run away, right now, from anybody who makes you feel less than. Who leaves a bad taste in your mouth after every discussion. A “frank” conversation shouldn’t leave you feeling sad, sorrowful, down-in-the-dumps or DISCOURAGED!

I meant this to be short, but I’m asking all of you to think of yourselves. Treat yourself better. Love yourself. Find people who adore you to surround you. And tell the vampires in your life to hit the road. There are people out there who are NOT entitled to invade your personal space or life.

Okay?

Make that list. Follow through. Do what pleases you. Do the impossible. And remember: Don’t ever ask for permission to live.

Take good care of yourself.

Cheers. πŸ˜€

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9 Responses to “For Black Women: Don’t Ever Ask For Permission To Live”

  1. Faith
    March 6th, 2012 @ 12:33 AM

    Sometimes we have to be pushed. Sometimes we have to hear things we don’t want. When there’s a question about people’s intentions I think determining the sum total of what they contribute to our growth helps us figure out how beneficial they and/or their advice may be. If we’re open to hearing and applying it. There are some obviously questionable folks in the mix but everything else has a variable attached. I don’t know why so many BW expect things to remain the same with so many other BW making different choices. The point of having the tougher conversations is so other BW don’t have to go through some of the same struggles or get stuck or not recover from certain traps/setbacks, but I’m observing a certain ingratitude. Not to mention flat out refusal to employ discernment and a rejection of serious change. So if you need to take that time to attend to your life, Goldenah you should. Nobody can say there weren’t BW who tried to offer genuine support.

    GoldenAh: You have me thinking: we urge people to leave toxic folks and environments, but what about the person? How does one escape toxic thoughts that sabotage their ability to move forward? I knew this very nice woman. She’d made some mistakes in her past (don’t we all?), and had experiences as a child that were out of her control. Yet, whatever happened had such a grip on her – she couldn’t let herself move forward. It was painful to watch her continue to punish herself, by making decisions she didn’t have to. Then her daughter observed and absorbed this behavior and started to physically manifest the punishment onto herself.

    Some people cannot let go and make meaningful change(s), because for them “that’s all there is.” There are thoughts or “aughtas” that never let them go, especially when it comes to “black people cannot” or “black people do not” kind of thinking. {{Shrug}} The starter gun has fired, everybody else is running. It’s up to them to decide to get moving.

    Oh, I’m okay. I didn’t mean to sound dire. πŸ™‚ Work is exhausting, but that’s due to a long commute. I enjoy blogging. I like the discussions with the ladies (visiting gentlemen) here. I’m grateful for the dialogues. πŸ™‚

    I did have a list of things to get done (mundane stuff), and I’m beginning to plan what other things (longer term) that need to be accomplished. It’s just that I hate being a responsible adult. It’s such a drag. I need the supervision of a parent-like spouse. πŸ˜€

    Thank you for your thoughts, Faith.

  2. Sherry
    March 6th, 2012 @ 3:28 PM

    Amen Miss Betty!

    GoldenAh: Hello Sherry. Thanks for the comment. Hope it was encouraging.

  3. Sophisticatedblkwomen
    March 6th, 2012 @ 9:40 PM

    Thanks for this, this is a timely message I needed to see this I’m dealing with a lot of uncertainties that has me very fearful of what my future holds.

    GoldenAh: Tell me about it. It’s time consuming and exhausting just managing the day-to-day stuff. Then we gotta squeeze in long term plans, because if we don’t we’ll end up a creek without a paddle or plain ol’ S.O.L. πŸ˜€

    I urge you to be bold. Trust yourself. Don’t hesitate.

    One thing about Spring: There’s no place to hide. By Summer, we’re half-naked and wondering what happened.

    Good luck in whatever you are planning, Sophisticatedblkwomen. πŸ˜€

  4. Faith
    March 7th, 2012 @ 2:33 AM

    Glad you’re ok. This is the (Black Faux) Matrix. Morpheus told Neo they wouldn’t try to “free” a mind after a certain age because people could not untether mentally and they couldn’t adjust. Cypher betrayed them because he wanted to be reinserted into the pod even though he knew the “machines” were actually harming him. I see most black women only want to go but so far. It was necessary for us to do the internal work so I’m not sure where or why anyone got the idea they could skip that step. I think about Lot’s wife looking back after God told them to run for their lives. I believe it’s a metaphor of course. We have to focus on getting to a new place and have to put a measurable amount of distance between the old place (destruction) and the new place (life and abundance). Look at Rihanna’s behavior! I think some of the recent backlash – aside from the hijacking/belittling attempts – is because some women are touching their most embedded third rails. Their facades are cracking. Making real change requires a true vulnerability that defies the “Imma Be Alright”, “I’m Strong” and “I Got My S*%t Together” lie from black women who’ve been in and out of these forums for a long time. Nothing worth doing is guaranteed to be easy over the long run. Getting to younger girls and women who are still open may be the more effective strategy.

    GoldenAh: It was a great film. And I have the DVD. I have to view it again. It was so awesome. I didn’t pick up the religious overtones until a friend pointed out what was going on. I think I spent most of my time drooling over Keanu Reeves. πŸ™‚

    Life is short, brutal, and if we’re lucky we can carve a path out to have fun. It does take hard work making it rewarding and fulfilling. But it takes just as much hard work, or worse, when it sucks too. {{Shrugs}} Folks gotta decide. πŸ˜€

    I certainly don’t want to be dismissive of anyone’s pain. I’d love to give some of them a hug. However, everybody is frank online. I’ve been online long ways before there were blogs / websites / social media and stuff. People have always been creatively cruel. It’s not right, but it happens. And I don’t know how anyone can be truly mad at those saying what nearly everyone thinks when they view certain folks. I doubt expressing those thoughts can be made illegal: there’s no way to make getting feelings hurt against the law. Although I’m sure creative prosecutors are trying. Either way, becoming upset at some online stuff is futile. Most opinions aren’t worth a bucket of spit.

    I even promised myself I’d read less of the news everyday. I have to get back to that habit.

  5. Faith
    March 7th, 2012 @ 2:47 AM

    To answer about what to “do”, make a decision and stick to it. Replace all non-reciprocal and non-beneficial people, places and practices. End the divided loyalties. Be willing to evaluate every aspect of one’s life.

    I see some BW who will do one thing in Area A to change, but you can’t talk about X, Y and Z. They don’t want other BW to jump ahead of them, but they’re content to wait it out hoping somebody else and external circumstances will fix everything.

    GoldenAh: That’s it right there. And boy do I need lists! Cannot live without lists. I forget so easily sometimes. Gotta keep the big picture in mind.

  6. Tiffany
    March 8th, 2012 @ 7:03 AM

    “You ain’t here to please nobody.” Sums it up quite nicely.

    GoldenAh: Thank you, Tiffany. πŸ™‚

  7. Faith
    March 9th, 2012 @ 4:09 AM

    Ah Keanu. He’s been my absolute favorite ever since My Own Private Idaho. So much so I turned down a chance to meet him. You know I didn’t feel “prepared”. Argh. Anyway that ties into being ready to move across certain circles with confidence. I’m focusing on Michael Fassbender these days, but Keanu will never go out of style. He’s working on his directorial debut and using the stunt team from The Matrix. In the meantime he did a documentary interviewing a score of directors you might be interested in checking out. http://www.ultraculture.co.uk/10692-side-by-side-keanu-reeves-berlinale-review.htm

    GoldenAh: You know, I cannot blame you for shying away. Although it’s a chance in a lifetime, right? I’d probably latch onto him and security would have to pry me off. πŸ˜€

    I started being a fan when he did Point Break with Patrick Swayze….

    You might have heard this story. Laurence Fishburne thought Keanu wasn’t that bright. I guess it was based on the way he spoke or the jokes about him. So he challenged him to a game of chess. Doing the movie Searching for Bobbie Fisher must’ve made him very good at it. He said Keanu beat him. Just checkmated him – over and over again. Effortlessly. Turns out he’s a lot smarter than people think. Hey, he knew not to make Speed 2! I think I like that the most about him. πŸ˜€

    He’s also one of those actors, like Johnny Depp, that I really believe would have off the charts chemistry with a cute black actress. Like Kevin Costner did with Whitney Houston.

    Thanks for the link, Faith.

  8. Faith
    March 10th, 2012 @ 5:34 PM

    Tall, gorgeous, successful and rich – yep that’s certainly an incentive to latch on haha. Permission to map out all of the character traits and lifestyle to prepare ourselves for. Being with a man at that level must be a bit of a pressure cooker, though unless his priorities are totally keyed in to his family and he’s dealt with it.

    Keanu’s deadpan delivery tends to not show a variation in nuance, which people dismiss as bad acting. He can certainly apply himself considering the extensive training he did. He was great in Constantine for example. He’s done something right to have survived in Hollywood for 20 years. He’s respected by his peers, he gave away several million to The Matrix crew, he does a lot of charity work on the DL, he dodges the paps and has a small crew of long-term friends. Actually, in Street Kings he rescued Naomie Harris’ character and they definitely had chemistry. I was always under the impression he was a genuinely nice person.

    GoldenAh: What a lucky girl Naomie is! She gets Rain and Keanu! πŸ˜€ I’ll have to see that movie now. I almost saw Street Kings when it came out, but I didn’t feel like watching a gang film or Forrest Whittaker.

    I saw Constantine, but didn’t understand it. I think people who knew the story, or comic book, probably got more out of it than I did.

    I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s nice. I agree: those who have a long career couldn’t possibly stay there by being hard to get along with (as an actor). I congratulate him for staying normal in a business full of crazy people. πŸ˜€

    Yeah, I think the pressure would depend on the man’s attitude. As long as she has the sense to know how to properly dress for the right occasions, or they hire someone to outfit her, I don’t think it’d be tough. Good men are protective and look out for their women. Matt Damon married a single Mom (Latina) – she’s a “regular” woman – and besides one or two pictures before he married her, he appears to have them properly squirreled away. A lot of actors / actresses seem able to maintain a quality of privacy for themselves and their family. And if the spouse is like Ozzy Osbourne – you watch him 24/7 and go everywhere with him like Sharon does. πŸ˜€

  9. tonyrog
    August 4th, 2012 @ 12:05 AM

    Do you know Keanu is biracial Mother was English and his Father was Hawaiian American(English,Irish Portuguese,Hawaiian and chinese)

    GoldenAh: I read that his mother was English, and his father was some extraction of Chinese / other.



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