Open Forum: Music, Getting Off the Planet, This Election and What’s Up?

26 Responses to “Open Forum: Music, Getting Off the Planet, This Election and What’s Up?”

1. Faith
   November 4th, 2012 @ 11:48 PM

   I’m glad you’re ok. And yes, I’m obsessed with Psy. Gangham Style is the new I’m Sexy And I Know It.

   Yes, Leos retain certain core aspects which tends to piss other people off when we refuse to be manipulated/goaded, pretend to not notice foul &*^%$ or call out BS.

   As for this (s)election farce on Tuesday…whatever will be will be. People better get off their butts either way!!!

   GoldenAh: Thank you, Faith. There seems to be quite a number of near misses lately. I will keep my fingers crossed.

   I could kidnap the guy in the yellow suit and matching sneakers. Too cute. I love the way he dances. The guy in the elevator kills me every time I see him.

   Yeah, an election between Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum. I still gotta work. Would be nice to have more than two parties (which are so alike) to vote for.

   Hopefully, I’ll be doing better next year. I need to seriously travel again.

   Yeah, I think if people seek to persuade us being polite and matter-of-fact helps. I was bombarded by people who seem unable to speak to me with some civility. Yet, I am supposedly mean for just saying, “No,” in response to all that nastiness. And I really wanna tell them something else. But I work to stay cool headed.

   By the way, I was inspired by your method of losing weight. I realized I can still eat, but to continue to make the portions smaller and healthier.

2. jubilee
   November 5th, 2012 @ 2:36 AM

   I couldn’t believe it BUT Taylor Swift is 5’11″..i had no idea she was that tall!! Most modern music is rather boring to me..its just muzak wil foul language….besides the good ol stuff is music to me…LOL stuff from mostly the Eisenhower/Kennedy era…even though I’m only in my early 50s…LOL

   GoldenAh: I think she’s very beautiful, which maybe the main reason she gets so much radio play. I first saw her on CSI right around the time Laurence Fishbourne joined the show. Had no idea who she was. Thought her acting was pretty good. So she has a future in acting. Not sure who told her she can sing.

   A lot of the music from that era gets sampled. I would love it if DJs or radio stations played the original first.

3. Tracy
   November 5th, 2012 @ 4:46 PM

   Hi bay-bee!! Can’t stand Gangham whatever – cuz I too cannot do it and if you’re under say 15, it looks stupid. Having a hard enough time mastering Salsa, my legs REFUSE to take any more abuse! LOL

   Was planning an early bedtime Tuesday nite to wake up to whatever on Wednesday morn, but alas, got an invite to the Local Dem’s party at a really good steakhouse. So, its free hors doeruv – appetizers – drinks and if I can get a bunch of us to take over the music, maybe some Victory/consulation Salsa dancing in the bar…

   Right now, I have an online Latin music channel on and I play my MP3 player in the car – so do NOT miss pop music. And Miss Swift makes me want to hurt someone, anyone when her caterwalling is being played..

   GoldenAh: Hey there Tracy!

   His dance steps remind me of the days with MC Hammer, Bobby Brown and Teddy Riley, etc. When R&B got swallowed up by hip hop.

   I’ll only do that dance in the comfort of my home.

   You are so right to get out of the house and party. I need to be like that again. And I love salsa music.

   I just discovered playing iHeart radio or those radio apps on the cell phone. Too bad it kills the battery.

   Great hearing from you!

4. MsMellody
   November 6th, 2012 @ 7:57 AM

   In line with this discussion of “leaving the planet”…the rich are now making their own “islands”. I’ll leave this here for you all;
   http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/8721536/Paypal-founder-invests-in-floating-island-utopia.html

   I have been very interested in having a discussion on this issue for some time now. It has interested me because of discovering that there are indeed two sets of rules..for those that have and those that don’t.

   When the news broke that billionaire Virgin Airlines owner Richard Branson was either footing the bill for the first flight into space for a civilian…and then the following explorations by other billionaires, I filed this incident away under the heading of “the rich are always going to venture out and discover ways for their rich relatives/friends to survive”. Whether that be through – finding the most innovative vacation/relaxation locales before they become mecca’s of the “masses”, and then finding ways to “monetize” these secret/exotic locales. Or whether it be the next youth/wrinkle remover reduction before it becomes a help to the masses, one thing is guarunteed the wealthy are always going to be insuring the future for THEIR families and friends.

   GoldenAh: I admire him. He has the Midas touch. I admire people who can look at something and say, “Hey, if we build this or did this, we could make money.” It’s an ability in knowing who to trust and how to delegate. I can think of something, but I get bogged down in minutiae. I can put together a plan, but the issue is in figuring out how to EXECUTE it with the right people. I don’t have that knack.

   And you are right, the wealthy can take a locale that was teeming with poor folks and make it trendy in an instant. I always found that to be weird.

   I read somewhere that one of the best ways to make money – if one doesn’t have the knack or touch – is to find wealthy people to associate with. You know, get them to take you under their wing. That makes sense….

5. MsMellody
   November 6th, 2012 @ 8:54 AM

   Who’s zooming who?

   http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/05/eddie-murphy-girlfriend-paige-butcher_n_2079300.html

6. Oshun
   November 6th, 2012 @ 11:53 PM

   Hi GoldenAh!

   Dr. Jemison rocks! It sucks that it takes 100 years though. I hope she can make it less than 100.

   This election got on my nerves. I was so tired it an all the coverage. It started to make me anxious as I couldn’t get away from it.

   GoldenAh: Why do we even bother with having a President? Maybe we should just have a panel of 13 regular people – taken from different regions of the country on a rotating basis – to decide issues and be done with it. ‘Cause I cannot see the sense in having folks spend 2 plus BILLION dollars just to run for an office that does what exactly? I mean, is the US Congress really necessary anymore? I believe in our Constitution, but our form of govt is dysfunctional, and maybe the structure should change.

   Every politician runs for office promising to enact laws to fix problems they created and spending more money on it. I’d like for once someone to come along and suggest we scrap a lot of the stupid laws / gov’t departments we have in place now. Then again, I’m a “less is more” kind of person.

   I have faith that one day they’ll find a way to travel in space faster. In the meantime, they can come up with a travel package to Mars. I’ll take it.

7. Bellydancer
   November 7th, 2012 @ 11:32 AM

   I am listening to Little Dragon’s Sunshine

   GoldenAh: Just watched them on YouTube: Little Dragon’s Sunshine

   Why does the lead singer remind me of Tisha Campbell? Maybe it’s just me who saw a fleeting resemblance. I may listen to more. It took me a long time to like Incubus. Now I listen to them constantly.

   Yeah, and props to the Absolut. Love the stuff. Tis the season to be drinking.

8. Mikey Tandino
   November 7th, 2012 @ 11:53 AM

   Many of us have lost focus.

   Before I begin, I will say that I am happy that you are well Betty C. Glad youre hanging in there.

   Focusing on who EM is dating is a waste of time. He bears no relevance and he has already been classified as DBR, so lets drop the feigned indignation and move on.

   Time to focus on the Black woman image they attempt to assail. People try to box us in these negative categories. We have to be dedicated in rebuffing that. We also have to learn these young Black girls. On an individual basis and collectively.

   Thats where I put my time and energy. No offense, but we have bigger fish to fry than who EM dates.

   GoldenAh: Thank you, Mikey. I’m beginning to wonder if I can take the cold or the weather out here anymore. I like 4 seasons, but it’s getting to be too much. I know there’s nowhere perfect, but maybe I can try for somewhere a bit better.

   As for EM, he treated Melanie B. so bad. And when she explained what was going on between them, she must have assumed (wrongly) in the beginning she was dealing with a sane, well adjusted, and normal guy. Unfortunately, she learned the hard way just how DBR he is. Noticed how fast she bounced back and married an English bloke? She’s a beautiful woman and wasted no time lamenting a what-if with EM. She knew to cut her losses and move on.

9. MsMellody
   November 7th, 2012 @ 3:01 PM

   When we occassionally mention or talk about the future and possible space travel…keep this article in mind;

   http://www.newscientist.com/article/dn1936-magic-number-for-space-pioneers-calculated.html

   There are indeed systems and mechanisms already functioning to examine the very real possibility of space travel and once again that concept of “The Future”…it’s about being/getting prepared people!!!!

   GoldenAh: One thing that surprised me about the discussions regarding the trip to Mars is not the time, but the exposure to radiation. I suppose that’s a hurdle we don’t see written about much, because they probably feel that’s easier to overcome than time travel.

   I bet 5000 years ago people never imagined that humans could fly around the planet in a few short hours, or even get to the moon in a week – if they had a concept of what the moon was.

   I believe there’s a way of getting to other planets faster than the limits in place now. Hopefully, we wont have to wait 10 generations or 5,000 years for that to occur.

   Oh, heck. I want to leave now. LOL.

10. Faith
    November 7th, 2012 @ 8:06 PM

    I forgot to comment about Dr. Mae http://cinderellaexperience.com/post/32010149751/dr-mae-ftw

    GoldenAh: I like that website, thank you. And Dr Mae is such a pretty woman too. Love her natural hairstyle.

11. Oshun
    November 8th, 2012 @ 3:11 PM

    I will say that I am in awe at the number of women who were elected. I know that doesn’t mean they are our allies, but …its definitely worth noting.

    And I am wishing I had about 20k extra on hand to open a pot dispensary or two. I know nothing about wacky tobaky, so I guess I need to research.

    GoldenAh: I always like to joke with my Mom that if we lived in a different era, I’d be a cigar smoking / whiskey drinking / happily profane spouting kind of woman. I like the corsets they wore too. Then again, Mae West is my idol.

    Does it feel like we in a fake puritanical era? Honestly, I’m just really annoyed with this sense that everything we enjoy is illegal, frowned upon, cannot be not fun, should not be fun, and has been drained of enjoyment. Maybe that explains why people pop off at the smallest things today. Being mellow is out of fashion. Maybe when people could let loose there was less road rage, people shooting up the job or losing their minds. And I feel like all we ever hear and see in the media are discussions about sex organs, what people do with them, and how it’s none of our business what they do with them, although the end result of their proclivities with their sex organs is our problem (fault). How about everybody gets to do what they want and be HELD responsible for their own actions? Wouldn’t it be great if we could make it illegal for them to talk about it on TV / radio?

    Okay, that was a minor rant. Sorry.

12. Lita
    November 9th, 2012 @ 3:35 PM

    Classic Story of Black Women with dbr black men – Two of my friends who I’ve known for 25 years are in relationships with dbr black men. Older sister has a child from a previous relationship. She and new boyfriend have been living together in aunt’s rundown house for five years in bad neighborhood.

    Their life is low wage jobs, raising kids together on welfare, and going to Vegas on their birthdays. She wants to marry him.

    They both work minimum wage, with no plans of life beyond their low wage jobs of raising kids together or venturing outside their state. I know she wants more for her life but is trapping herself with a life of welfare and raising kids with dbr boyfriend whose life is going nowhere.

    She took in her younger sister’s three kids because her sister is in dbr relationship with black man who physically abuses her, does drugs, associates with other dbr blacks who might have abused her kids. Her sister just had fourth child in her car, because she didn’t want the hospital to test for drugs and take the child from her.

    Older sister and mother are taking care of her three kids. I advised her that if she doesn’t get other family members to help with the kids, all the financial burden will be on her and her mom. She wants her sister to get sterilized because she wants more kids. They also would call asking me to babysit even though they couldn’t afford to pay me. I wouldn’t answer the phone.

    I work part time as a teacher’s aide, and am trying to start my own business, and I wouldn’t be able to have my own life if I was constantly looking after other people. They have other family they could ask, but they expect me to help them for free.

    Both of these women remind me of whitney houston. Attractive women that could’ve had quality men, but settled for dbr black men. I tried to warn the older sister that if she is determined to raise her sister’s four kids alone, she will be broke and on welfare the rest of her life with her dbr boyfriend whose life is also going nowhere, and will never have a life of her own.

    She wants to go back to school, but now will never be able to have her own life if she is financially supporting all her sister’s kids.

    I have two brothers who between them have four kids each. Older brother takes care of his kids. Younger brother is not with the mother of his kids and barely financially supports them. When the kids would come to visit, my aunt would always buy them things that their parents could’ve bought for them.

    If either of my brothers ever asked me to take in their kids if something happened to them, I would find other family members to take in the kids, because I have never wanted to have kids, and am not obligated to take care of someone else’s. I would set aside money for the kids schooling, and make sure they are taken care of by other family members.

    I would like to get married next year and start my own business. I wouldn’t be able to do that if I had to take care of other people’s mess that they got themselves in. Classic story of black women being expected to take care of everyone else before themselves. Or have no life goals of their own.

    No one ever tells black men to help their community. The responsibility always falls on black women. Especially while these rich and famous black men marry non black women and pamper and spoil them, and don’t do anything for the black community, while black women live in poverty and put everyone’s else needs before their own.

    Wanted to know if anyone else agrees with the advise I gave her.

    GoldenAh: The one thing that stands out to me – from an economic perspective – is how the lack of good, well paying jobs has crippled the “black community”. I suspect these emotional, social and physical problems were always there, but the lack of a good job, which helps people manage these things, lays it open and bare.

    A good job keeps idle hands busy. A good job buys decent housing, clothing, transportation and restores a healthy sense of self. And for men, without these things, the temptations to do evil aren’t suppressed and avoided, they fester and grow emboldened.

    This is one of the things that I say that our political leaders – of either party – at least owe all the American people. Without well paying jobs, they have no tax base, less involved and interested citizens and a society on a rapid downward spiral. They need to see the danger in this situation to their own safety if this continues.

    At this point, I can see how one person, focused and compassionate as yourself Lita, who may be the only individual in a pot boiling over with dysfunctional people, is doing her best to get out and do better. You feel isolated because you see what’s going on, but you wonder why no one can see the same thing.

    I’d say that as long as you are able to control your circumstances, which is something a lot of other people do not feel – you will be successful. Telling some black women their options in life may never reach them, because on some level it’s like telling them to control the weather. You are an individual, and part of a group of black women, who does the best she can to control her life as opposed to living by the motto of “What will be will be” and “It is what it is.”

    Life is a highway and the women you know are on a completely different route from yourself.

    Once a woman decides to LIVE UNDER certain kinds of men (dysfunctional, self-destructive and idle) there is no turning back unless SHE DECIDES to make a herculean effort to turn it around. You can provide as much advice as you want, but if economics are keeping her in place, I’d say she doesn’t have much of a chance to change.

    You mean well, but your GOOD energies (mental or otherwise) could be spent on getting yourself up, out and far far away. Any thoughts devoted to other people’s issues only TAKES AWAY from YOURSELF.

    It’s absolutely, positively marvelous to be selfish. It is really about taking care of you first: that is the most important expression of self-love you need worry about. It is all that matters. Look, I’ve been called mean, stuck-up bitch and other things. But my cousin was right when she said to another black woman, “I didn’t get you pregnant. Get your man to do these things.” Among normal couples, all these expectations black women have of one another are taken care of by their men. Women do things for one another, but among black women they demand everything from one another.

    I believe the sole reason a lot of these women keep having kids they cannot and will not take care of, is because it’s one of the rare occasions people show some concern for them. We all instinctively care about children, because in a few years we’ll feel sorry as hell if things don’t work out for them. We will feel the guilt their selfish and irresponsible “parents” do not. However, they are still not your responsibility. Don’t ever let anyone use guilt to make you do anything, even if it sounds persuasive.

    I have a friend who loves to “save” members of her family and “friends”. She’s lucky they aren’t that dysfunctional, but it’s like watching someone offer themselves to vampires. One hopes they won’t eventually drain her dry.

    And here is one more bit of advice I can provide, since it’s only worth 2 cents. Find two or three good friends, I mean people that do what they say they will, make sure at least one or two of them is a real man. You will find that if you get like minded friends such as yourself, that will be worth more than family.

    It’s time to extricate yourself from people who hurt you, Lita. {{Big bear hug}} And you know I’m not touchy-feely….

13. Lita
    November 9th, 2012 @ 3:49 PM

    Sorry for the long post – When I attempt to discuss this with other family, they don’t seem concerned about how the two women are ruining their lives, how they expect other people to help with bad situations they got themselves in, of teaching black women to not be a mule for the black community, and how black women should have lives of
    their own and should not feel guilty or obligated to help other people who are damaged and ruining their lives, and have no probelem dragging other people into their mess.

    GoldenAh: Oh, no problem. I understand. It’s one thing for a single person to live a life devoid of common sense. It’s another to bring children into their dysfunctional and chaotic lives. And they have a nerve to expect others to “help”, when they refuse to listen to some reasonable, sound advice.

    You can express concern, but there is a limit to what you can do above worry. And you always have to put yourself first.

14. Kai
    November 9th, 2012 @ 4:11 PM

    A quote I like from Ralph Richard Banks book -’Is Marriage for White People’ – ‘How black culture encourages and shames black women into beleiving that its elitist to require men be at or above your level in life in terms of education, goals, values.’ Other races of women are not taught to settle for men who have nothing to offer them. They are encouraged to pick men from their social class, while black women are harassed to consider all black men regardless of their financial situation, educational background, or if they have the same goals and values.

    ‘Is Marriage for White People’
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Is_Marriage_for_White_People%3F:_How_the_African_American_Marriage_Decline_Affects_Everyone

    Bill Cosby’s Pound Cake Speech
    Their is a subset of black people who are damaged – dbr who need to take responsibility for the negative values in the black community, and to stop blaming and expecting others to clean up their mess. I think the black people who are doing positive things with their life and for their community need to sperate themselves from the dbr blacks who are looking for a handout, or who want to drag other people down into their dbr life.

    Pound Cake Speech
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pound_Cake_speech

15. Eva
    November 11th, 2012 @ 4:36 PM

    Dear Lita:

    I really like your advice, and you are correct. It’s a sin and a shame that black men, do well, do nothing for their community and yet expect black women to keep the community strong. Not fair at all.

    Women, especially black women need to understand this one little thing about finding a quality man. A quality man is NOT going to jump at you, a predator will.

    Here’s what I mean. Say you are at a party, you meet a man, you’re attracted to him, he’s attracted to you. Sounds great. The sane person thinks, ‘I’m attracted to this person…but I need to study them, vet them, make sure they’re sane, make sure they don’t have crazy ex’s running around.’ Both sane men and women should think this. Sometimes you might have to wait a few weeks, sometimes a few months. During that time you can date, but don’t get physical because women tend to get attached to men we make love with.

    Now, predators are the opposite. They can spot a woman with low self esteem a mile away and then they swoop. Tell her she’s beautiful, tell her she’s a goddess, tell her how they can’t wait to make love to her, that they know they love her, etc. They know that many women have this fantasy about being swept off their feet and they simply become that fantasy.

    Here’s what can happen. You make love, you get attached, then you find out he doesn’t have a job, he lives with his mother, he has three baby mamas, he has two crazy ex girlfriends. But now you’re emotionally attached, he’s your man, it’s harder for you to walk away and before you know it…that’s right, you’re pregnant and you’re thinking, ‘it’ll be all right, we’ll be a family.’ And the cycle starts again.

    This never happened to me, but I have been involved with more than a few predators, but have always ended the relationship before things got too hairy. It’s sad, and very sad when black women get into this mess.

    GoldenAh: I’m beginning to wonder if these dysfunctional predators are truly the majority of black men now. I’ve always been half-joking about Purple Unicorns, but it doesn’t feel good to think that a decent, morally and mentally fit black man is so rare today.

    Not only are they persistent, if you say, “No”, some of them show their abusive side right away. They get very angry at a mild refusal.

16. Oshun
    November 11th, 2012 @ 9:12 PM

    I have another 70 year old BW antiaging walking miracle. She doesn’t exercise, but she practices a ridiculous raw diet. She is a grandmother and has 2 50 something year old sons. She and her husband have been married for 50 something years and people often ask him “So I see you brought your granddaughter with you today?” He says he wishes he had followed the changes she made.

    She takes no meds, is a very well toned size 4, and has great skin. I am not trying to pick, but if she would whiten her teeth and get a new hairstyle she’d be perfect IMO.

    I am dying over the black catsuit picture.

    http://www.bing.com/images/search?q=anette+larkin&view=detail&id=F5DFD656AD3F7D2D12BD345F81C0D952A45A54D7&first=1

    GoldenAh: She looks awesome. I love meat. Cannot live without it. But if I can look half as good at that age!

17. Oshun
    November 12th, 2012 @ 12:00 AM

    Oh and I forgot to add that she started getting health conscious @ 40.

18. Traci
    November 12th, 2012 @ 2:48 AM

    I have a black woman friend who I’ve known since elementary school. Since puberty, she’s never been without a boyfriend, but they’ve all been losers whose lives are going nowhere.
    Whenever we go out together, she’s fawned over by everyone, black and white, and every race in between because she’s light skinned like beyonce. I’m dating now, and wondering if its a good idea to associate with her if the guy I’m seeing eventually becomes my boyfriend or future husband. She’s not a man stealer, but she has the ‘effect’ that most men flock to her because they find her so attractive. And I’ve heard other black women say not to leave your botfriend or husband around attractive women, regardless if they flirt with the man or not, because men will always be attracted to beautiful women.

    GoldenAh: Depends. If you feel instinctively she’ll get your guy, then you’re probably wanting to use her to test him. Yet, if you really want him and see her as potential interference then YOU DO NOT NEED TO BE FAIR. She DOES NOT need to see your man – NOT EVER, whether by DESIGN or by ACCIDENT. Sometimes all this “men are attracted to her” business is an atmosphere other women create.

    You are just as attractive, that’s why he’s with you. You are the awesome one. Don’t worry about her. Let her have the messy men. Keep your man for yourself.

    I don’t believe in this “introduce my guy to a messed up woman” business. Keep your love and happiness to yourself. Bad friends are like an infection. Keep those playpens separate.

    Don’t be a “good person” in this situation, Traci. You’ll only end up getting hurt. Your man belongs to you. Leave it at that.

19. Oshun
    November 12th, 2012 @ 12:53 PM

    @ Lita
    Reading your story makes me bleed. I hate hearing things like that. My advice is to really take care of yourself. Please. And try to stay out of it all. I know it is distressing and upsetting and you care, but do not get sucked down or into taking care of these people.

    @GoldenAh
    I hear you! I also looked into industrial hemp and it has a lot of uses. I mean we could have some industries to spring up that reduce our impact on the environment and create some jobs.

    Now India has made a subsidized computer for $20.00.

    India has launched a new version of its ultra-low-cost tablet computer with a quicker processor and an improved battery, on sale to students at the subsidised price of $20.

    The Aakash tablet, dubbed the world’s cheapest computer, has been developed as a public-private partnership aimed at making computing technology available to students in a country where Internet usage is only at around 10 percent.

    Makers of the tablet, Britain-based Datawind, say the Aakash 2 is powered by a processor that runs three times faster than the original, has a bigger touchscreen and a battery with a life of three hours.

    http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/11/12/india-unveils-new-version-of-worlds-cheapest-tablet/

20. Lita
    November 12th, 2012 @ 3:57 PM

    Thanks for the advice Oshun. I will stay out of my friends drama. They need to find their own path in life whether its right or wrong. But I will not enable them.

21. MsMellody
    November 13th, 2012 @ 2:21 PM

    http://www.clarkhoward.com/news/clark-howard/personal-finance-credit/dollar-cost-averaging-makes-you-fortune-over-time/nS265/

    Really good reminder about your money & retirement savings.

    GoldenAh: Great link MsMellody. You read minds. I was thinking of writing a post about money, but who am I to give advice? I need to strengthen my side ventures, but everything is time consuming. I’ve been squirreling away money left and right. Although half the time I’m wondering what’s safe and where do I get a good return. Before the market collapsed into a coma back in 2008, dumb luck got me out of General Motor Bonds. Everything feels so precarious these days. We have to have backups to our backups. We cannot take anything for granted today.

22. Maxi
    November 13th, 2012 @ 10:46 PM

    Most black people have no net worth? Or their net worth is very low. Because they spend money on material things instead of saving it for education. And then they want a handout from responsible blacks who are saving their money and not wasting it. There will always be some black people who don’t care about saving money but want handouts from other people. The black people that are being responsible with their money should stay away from the black people looking for a handout.

23. Oshun
    November 14th, 2012 @ 11:26 AM

    @ Traci

    I missed your post. This sounds complicated, but I will attempt to answer. I am not a love guru and maybe some others can provide some words of wisdom.

    I will give you points for being honest. I don’t think that most people could be that honest.

    “I’m dating now, and wondering if its a good idea to associate with her if the guy I’m seeing eventually becomes my boyfriend or future husband. She’s not a man stealer, but she has the ‘effect’ that most men flock to her because they find her so attractive.”

    In my opinion, this comes down to her level of integrity and the integrity of man you eventually marry. There will always be attractive women that you and your future beloved will come in contact with – so it would be on him to keep your vows and be/remain faithful. So even if you did toss her there will be another one and another one etc.

    You said she wasn’t a man stealer and she is a good friend. I would think twice about tossing a good friend. They are not easy to come by. You are feeling threatened, but if you examine your relationship with her critically – what are the benefits? Can you really say that she loves you and supports you or is she just an activity partner? Does she have your best interests at heart? Has she been in similar situations and have you observed how she has responded? Do you really know her? Does she have a sense of honor? What is her moral code/value system like? Has she been hyper competitive with other women over men?

    If you amputate her for this reason (and I am sure you will not tell her why) she will be hurt and bewildered and you will be hurt too as you will have lost a great friend.

    Similar questions apply to the guy that you are with too. You need to find out his values and attitudes towards monogamy, cheating, long term relationships, marriage etc.

    “And I’ve heard other black women say not to leave your botfriend or husband around attractive women, regardless if they flirt with the man or not, because men will always be attracted to beautiful women.”

    I have heard similar, but the thing is if the guy is a cheat he will seek out what he is attracted to regardless. I am not suggesting that you be a fool, but at the same time I think this attitude among black women results from the manufactured lack of quality partners in the black community. When something is perceived as scarce then you will compete with other women in sometimes hateful and hurtful ways to the sisterhood in order to get and keep it.

24. Oshun
    November 14th, 2012 @ 11:48 AM

    Traci, I also wanted to add that you need friends because you need a support system. Whether married, in a relationship, or single. One person can (including your husband/boyfriend) not meet all of your needs. If you amputate friends you will be isolated and could lose yourself and that would not be good as you would be vulnerable in the event the relationship didn’t work.

    On the flip side, I think that a good social network made of quality people can support a marriage. This to me is an extension of the concept of community. You know the missing link in the black one? Strong marriages that are supported by a larger interdependent network that provide safety and other benefits to its members.

    I think you have a lot of complex issues, beliefs etc to work out. It sounds tough, but not impossible.

25. Traci
    November 14th, 2012 @ 12:21 PM

    Thank you for the advice Oshun. This woman has been my friend since grade school. She always has men flock to her, but she is not the type to steal other people’s men. I will not disassociate with her, but I will have to be secure in my own relationship, and make sure my partner is not the cheating type because there will always be attractive women around. I need to find out what my partner’s values are. Besides me encouraging her to stop dating loser dbr black men, and to put her life goals before other peoples’, we have a good friendship. My boyfriend/future husband will not be the center of the universe. I need to make sure I have a strong network of friends who will support me.

26. Traci
    November 17th, 2012 @ 1:31 PM

    Thanks for responding GoldenAh. My black woman friend has no problem attracting quality men, but keeps choosing losers. I also don’t believe in ‘Testing’ men by placing attractive women in their face to see if they’ll cheat. That is a recipe for disaster. Because men will always be attracted to beautiful women. Its up to the woman to find a guy who has good morals and values and who will be less likely to cheat. Its also up to the woman to find out what her partner likes, what turns him on, to keep the relationship spicy, so he won’t be thinking about other women.

    I probably won’t introduce her to my boyfriend/future husband because she has enough drama in her life and I don’t want her messing with my life or my relationship. She has become a messy woman who likes being with messy dbr black men. Her whole life is messy, because she refuses to put her life goals before other peoples’. She’s always taking care of other people. And I’m not about that life. I want to enjoy my life, not take care of messy people.
    ——–Like that word ‘Messy’.

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