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Wing Men Wanted for Jill Scott!

Posted on | April 7, 2010 | 10 Comments

Wanted-for-hire:

  • Tall, not too buff, white and/or Asian man, martial arts expert, needed to play the roles of Wing Men for Jill Scott.
  • Must be fluent in hood speech (you just need to understand the latest slang).
  • You must be able to name all of her songs, and be acquainted with the foods she craves and loves.
  • You must have high tolerance for drama, and be extremely proficient at handling high-strung women.

Your job – should you decide to accept the assignment – is to pretend to be really, really, interested in Ms Scott.

Background Research

She’s in Essence Magazine, on national, and quite likely international, television declaring her desperate, desperate need for a brotha. Not just any LeTrellmonte from the hood, but a professional, well-to-do brotha.

Seems she’s seeing too many with de white wimmen. It makes her wince. It fills her with angst.

She claims to be speaking for a whole host of black wimmen. Millions of us. Everywhere. Everywhere you go, there’s de black wimmen wincing at de brothas with de white wimmen.

Le sigh.

Gentlemen, Here Are Your Roles: Action!

Mr. Wing Man – 1.Β  The following are instructions for how your assignment will proceed:

You will take Ms Scott out to a popular place where a lot of these PWB (professional working brothas) hang out.

Your job is to make PWB jealous. I know it’s an extremely hard and impossible task, but Ms Scott desperately needs your help. She refuses to get grief counseling.

But we’ve got our ways to help break the dry spell in her love life.

You two will take center table. It’s not enough to take out her chair. You have to hold her hand, look into her eyes, and declare loudly, “I am the luckiest man in the world.”

We will get the waiters to sing a love ballad (her song of course), and you will present her with a large bouquet of roses (must be red).

At this point, you leave for the men’s room.

Remember to eyeball all the PWBs in the room, before you head out.

Mr. Wing Man – 2.Β  The following are instructions for how your assignment will proceed:

You will come into the room, and take Mr. Wing Man – 1’sΒ  seat.

Stand and shout, “You are so beautiful, Jill.” Look around the room.

Then sit again. Grab her hand and kiss it. Kiss it again.

Put your hand on your heart. Give her a yellow rose. Make your exit.

Like Mr. Wing Man – 1, make sure to eyeball every PWB in the room, before you leave.

Wrap-up for Mr. Wing Man – 1:

Return.

Without bothering to eat, or take in the entertainment, or whatever, grab her hand, and escort her out.

Based on your urgency, people will see a passionate couple looking to leave early.

This time, do not look at the PWBs.

Must be repeated bi-monthly.

Now, these performances wont raise the interest of the PWBs, ’cause if dey like de white wimmen dat’s what dey want. But it may make a few jealous, and it will give Jill Scott all the attention she desperately craves and needs.

Maybe in future she’ll clarify that she’s speaking for herself, instead of cloaking her opinion as a “black wimmen’s issue with interracial dating.” Only for you Jill, only for you.

Some of us black wimmens actually love men of all races, creeds, and colors.

As for who de brothas are with, “Who gives a flying #$&*?” I wish they would only wince when we’re with our non-Black guys, ’cause they are damn well ultra nosy, noisy, and criminally stupid about it.

Now, I have to go burn my copy of Essence Magazine, right after removing Zoe Saldana from the cover, and related contents, for keepsake.

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Comments

10 Responses to “Wing Men Wanted for Jill Scott!”

  1. Valerie
    April 7th, 2010 @ 8:01 PM

    Oh my goodness! you are so funny. Why Jill, Why? It is really sad that Jill is now a laughing stock!

    GoldenAh: Thanks. I wasn’t sure if it would touch the funny bone or not. πŸ™‚

  2. BWF
    April 8th, 2010 @ 3:59 PM

    Gawd, this post was funny! LMAO

    These strong-fight-the-power-black-wimmenz are coming out in full force. Im glad these blogs exists, so we free thinking bw can speak for ourselves.

    GoldenAh: Thanks. Glad I made you laugh. πŸ™‚

    I like J.S. but she’s like an 18 car pile up. Don’t wanna look, but you can’t avert your eyes.

  3. Selena
    April 8th, 2010 @ 4:50 PM

    LMBAO Goldenah,

    I don’t think Jill was expecting this reaction. I don’t think she got the memo to move on yet!

    GoldenAh: And you know, a lot of black and non-black men who like her must be, I dunno, put-off and befuddled by this strong display of stupidity and racism.

    She’s the reason why white men sometimes still ask me: Do black women like white men? I bet it’s only with us they think this, thanks to crazy women like JS.

    Wish I could have done a skit on the grief counseling…. πŸ˜€

  4. Selena
    April 8th, 2010 @ 6:25 PM

    So true so true. I’ve had several send me personal emails and have expressed shock and disappointment. All have been fans of hers.

    I can understand that 100%.

  5. Oshun/Aphrodite
    April 9th, 2010 @ 6:07 AM

    Why am I on the floor?! LOL

    The other post about WM was too funny… and this is killing me!

    “make sure to eyeball every PWB in the room, before you leave.”

    LOL

    I used to like her music too.

    GoldenAh: I kept picturing this – like a little film clip. I’m pleased I could make you laugh. And we need that now and then, yes? πŸ˜€

    I realize it’s been years since I’ve heard a song by her. I think the last one was “Hate On Me” or something, which was Okay. It’s funny, ’cause I never bought any music by her or Badu.

  6. Tracy
    April 9th, 2010 @ 11:09 AM

    Damn you Goldie!!

    Everyone is looking at me in the office, because I cannot contain my laughter!!
    GoldenAh: LOL! Now, I like hearing this. πŸ˜€

    Well, looks like you are gonna have to burn two issues, because Messence has made her Cover girl for this month!!

    She – plus Miss Ba-Nude – needs a big ol cup of Sityurazzdownsomewhere. Desparation, like the songs that she sings (why caint you loooove me bm?? sheesh) is not appealing to anyone, so that is gonna have to be one great acting, patient wing man!

    Thanks for making my day!! How’s the workout’s coming along?

    GoldenAh: LOL! It’s better to laugh at ’em than be mad. This would be a really hard “wing man” job. The guys would probably prefer to go to Afghanistan or Iraq.

    As for my workout, I’m drinking water like a thirsty Camel. The soreness is gone, thank goodness. My head cold is going away. I might have lost a pound or two already. Another few days and I may even start running. It’s all good. πŸ˜€

  7. Anilia
    April 13th, 2010 @ 10:08 PM

    this was hilarious!! Everywhere you go, there’s de black wimmen wincing at de brothas with de white wimmen.

    Wait, did I miss something… didn’t she get married not that long ago, and recently had a baby? Or you just sayin’….

    I’ll still listen to her AND that fool John Mayer, cuz I actually like their music. Thank goodness they don’t dictate this black wimmen’s dating (or wincing, lol) choices…

    GoldenAh: JS is celebrated in the latest issue of Essence Magazine, which I have to remember to burn. πŸ˜€ She’s divorced, and is now a proud single baby momma for some other dude. Her BFFs are Mo’nique, Badu, and some other persons I can’t recall. She calls them all, including herself, “Sister Soldiers.”

    The adjective “strong” is used in a lot in the article. Her story will inspire a lot of young women that men, and two parent households, are absolutely unimportant in the upbringing of children, ’cause the black community really needs more of that. πŸ˜›

    I skim read, so I might have missed a few other gems about her. πŸ™‚

    Thanks for stopping by, and I enjoy your blog.

  8. Patricia Kayden
    May 10th, 2010 @ 8:43 PM

    You are too funny!! Same way I feel about Ms. Scott’s predicament.

    GoldenAh: Thanks. It is rather funny when you think about it. Does she not realize how ridiculous her complaints are? Guess not. πŸ™‚

    Thanks for stopping by. πŸ˜€

  9. DiosaNegra
    September 22nd, 2010 @ 2:32 PM

    Oy vey! Ms. Scott sincerely needs to stop wincing….she just might notice a handsome WM glancing her way!

    *side eye action*

    GoldenAh: I want her to find someone that’ll make her happy. I really do. I bet he will be non-black too. πŸ˜€

  10. reese
    June 24th, 2013 @ 10:25 PM

    I am so tired of them coming on media complaining. If a brother doesn’t want you and you can’t date anybody else. That is your issue and not societies. Jill take a seat.

    GoldenAh: Hah ha! This was so long ago, but still funny. I don’t know how someone isn’t embarrassed expressing herself the way she does. I haven’t seen or heard much of her since. But I don’t follow much of the black media so I could be missing her that way.



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