For Black Women: When Your Choices Make Other People Or Your “Friends” Mad

The following comment, and question, was sent to me by the intelligent and lovely Chocolatestar:

I wanted to send you this video and get your thoughts on this. I’m not sure if it’s just me and my strong opinionated personality, but i’m quite tired of black women bashing other black women, who call black men out on their self destructing behavior and hatred for their women.

Is it a crime to not be attracted to their characteristics( emotionally damaged, etc) or even want to take risks on black men, especially after observing the resulting trends.

I’m so tired of hearing how there are so many good black men out here, if i was interested in them I would be saying where they at, where they at. It’s funny who this chick ended up with after all.

I just recently ended a friendship with a bw, who was a christian extremist.

I sent her your essay on “Why white men are better” and she flipped her lid, saying that she has a black son and will never sabotage black men, because she love them so much and will only date a black man (yet the best man she ever had, her words, was a guy who was a drug dealer her babies daddy and eventually got shot down) and anyone blogging and reading essays bashing black men needs help.

Yet many have ran her through the dirt She went too far excusing their trending behavior with bible versus and the antebellum era. I tired to tell her that the essay to me was a clever way of counterbalancing the attacks bestowed upon black women who prefer white men over the ” kings” of the world bm ( yeah right).

Anyway I probably could rant more, but I have a test in the morning.

“Resurrection” – The Lost Black Man

I left out the video link. There are dozens, if not more, videos made by “strong”, “angry”, and “resentful” ultra-black wo/men demanding black women regard all black males with adoration, worship, reverence, and extreme diffidence. To place the value of any man before God tells you well enough that some people are a few fries short of a $1 happy meal.

There are people who believe black women compete (in any arena) with black men. It’s an amazing fallacy that has little merit in the real, mainstream, global, and international patriarchal world. Black women mostly struggle with financial sacrificing, relationship sustaining, parenting, and “saving the black community” alone. That’s not a strong functioning matriarchal system, that’s living with male abandonment.

Black men are in competition with other men
. All men are. It’s a man’s world. That’s never changed, and never will. The fact is black men lost – roughly 500 years ago. It’s likely they’re never going to catch up. At least, not for the next 100 years.

Black women cannot win it for them, no matter how hard they try to “man up” and do it. Which is why there are black women on YouTube, blogs, writing books, making hostile comments, and singing songs trying to “resurrect” black males back into the game. It wont work by encouraging an orgasmic savoring of masochism, sexism, and racism amongst black women, or false idol worship of black men. Her loss is not a black male’s gain.

But hey, good luck with that strategy folks. We can see from the last 30 plus years how well that’s worked out.

Friend of My Friend, Friend of My Enemy

I’d advise you not to argue with your friends, non-friends, and strangers about the men you may choose as a partner in life. No one actually has a say in the matter. What they think is irrelevant. If we go to them about these issues, it’s like we are looking for their acceptance. And we really cannot have that, can we? Do we go to the poor on how to become rich?

I’d also suggest you let your friends be if they are the ride-or-die, or black men only, type. We’d all like to be on the same page with our friends, but sometimes it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. However, since this person is vehemently against non-black men to the point of belligerent, irrational racism, and it will cause you personal pain (and don’t we always run into people like that?), then yeah, you are right to cut them loose.

As for the video, you may be surprised, but my feeling about the criticism of black women like us from militant black wo/men is: C’est la vie. Shrug. I don’t care. Sure, sometimes I’d like to smack some sense into them. Yet, if the Titanic is sinking, and they don’t care: What’s there for us to worry about? Our goal is to make sure we are not on the ship with them.

To a degree we love (most) of our people(s). We’d love to see all of them behave rationally, intelligently, do well, and be happy. But at the end of the day – we all gotta choose our own paths. We have to worry about our own happiness first and foremost.

So I ask you, ignore the hate, don’t seek these forums / idiotic people out. It’ll make you miserable.

You sound like you have your life together, so keep on pressing on. ‘Cause when you listen to these morons, whether you think it affects you or not, you may end up sabotaging yourself in the future.

The subconscious is one hell of a thing to get a handle on.


21 thoughts on “For Black Women: When Your Choices Make Other People Or Your “Friends” Mad”

  1. I’m a white guy who’s getting a great education reading this blog. I just want to thank you all for your honesty. May every one of you find your way to personal freedom. Thank you all!!!

  2. I’m a 19 yr old black girl and I’m reading your blogs and these comments and I’m like maybe I should be writing this stuff down because y’all are helping me see that you don’t have to settle or try to make those around you happy while you’re being miserable. Y’all are also pointing some warning signs out there that I should look for too. Plus I’m glad I’m not the only person who feels the same way about certain things that I’m just not ready or willing to talk to my family about. So thank you ALL. I’d probably be lost forever or until I get to old to be able to enjoy anything. Please ignore my punctuation or lack of I’m just not feelin it right now.

  3. I just read the post about the college grad who married the ex-con/UPS guy as a first resort. The reason for this is one of 2 things. She either set her expectations extremely low, so there was no room for disappointment or …She is one of those good girl/educated sisters who needs a “soldier.” She will be the one who will be able to tell her friends the fairytale of the college grad who found her diamond in the rough(neck)who found Allah (and herpes) in prison while having her UPS packages delivered.
    GoldenAh: Wasn’t that Disappearing Acts with Snipes and Sanaa Lathan? I wouldn’t be surprised if the girl was inspired by that book / flick. πŸ˜€

    I look at stories like this and it makes me laugh. I visited my mother in SC for Mother’s Day and took her to a restaurant to eat. I had just finished my last MBA class. She actually pressed me to give the Jamaican server who brought us water and silverware my phone number. She said that I should at least give him a chance. By the time I go to the bathroom and come back, she has gotten the stats. He’s unmarried, 35, and has a 10 month-old. Of all the men that I should give a chance, she picks this one. He is really laying it on thick with how romanic he is, will treat me like a queen, he can cook great Jamaican cuisine (because that’s important in a man). I live in Atlanta and if I date a man who lives 4 hours away, it will definitely be worth my while.

    Hell, I can cook, clean and can even sew.

    GoldenAh: I was at my folks cracking jokes on Tiger having to give up $750 mil to his wife (white), Michael Strahan’s Sambo-like ads ’cause he’s gotta give the ex-wife (white) nearly 70% of what he makes, and how Puffy used to dispute child support payments to his baby mamma (black), but wanted to marry JLo (might as well be white).

    I was saying give a black guy a few million, and the first thing he thinks about is how fast can he give it to a white woman. Yet we get told to give the first near-homeless black guy a chance. Say what? So how come no one is badgering these brothas to marry, and give their millions to black women? Oh I know, because guys don’t listen to their mothers, and mothers like to lay all the responsibility at their daughter’s doors. So not cool.

    You getting an MBA is a world class ticket to anywhere. That’s a great thing to have. After all your hard work you don’t need to be carrying any dude on your back. They too heavy anyway. πŸ˜€

  4. @ “They are making themselves cheap and whore and the man will still not want them, even if he is a good looking and they lie down on the first or second date. What is wrong with these women.”

    Women used to get solid info about men from other women elders. Also most normal communities had sanctioned outlets for young people to socialize and pair off/pair up for dating and marriage. This continues in other more functional communities in some fashion.

    But with BW they are getting nothing, but bad advice from all sides. Look at Tysa’s example. Her aunt, an elder I presume, is encouraging her to put it all out there up front.

    She is not the only one. I have had people suggest that to me in the past. Thank God none of my family members, but just think if that is how you were raised; if your mom thinks, feels, acts, and instructs you this way, all your aunts, cousins, women friends etc.. and you are underexposed, this is all you know, you would think this is normal and what you have to do to have a relationship.

    You may be aware the results aren’t what you want, but you probably wouldn’t see this as cheapening yourself considering that everyone around you, including those you love and trust are doing the same?

    The same with Southland Diva and the example she gave, for some people, like the person who was trying to set her up – this garbage is normal.

    The whole moral compass is off. These behaviors have become normalized.

    GoldenAh: Good points Oshun/Aphrodite. Nothing for me to add. πŸ˜€

  5. Some of these women need to see Jesus. They are making themselves cheap and whore and the man will still not want them, even if he is a good looking and they lie down on the first or second date. What is wrong with these women.

    There is nothing wrong with getting a black man, but get a quality man. These women who give so called ‘advice’ their lives are in a mess. They are too blind to see. You cannot keep a man through sex, even if you get a baby for him, that won’t keep him. Let a man think you are worthy and act worthy, if he wants to go off let him and God bless him.

    There is too much black man worship, you should only worship God, not man, and definitely not a black man!

    GoldenAh: I just read an article written by a purported college graduate going on about dating a “good brotha” ex-con / UPS driver / garbage man – as a first resort – as opposed to finding her comparative equal among non-black men.

    She was making a loyalty oath and wanted others to join her in this cult madness. Whereas black men go on day and night about having the right to find love wherever and with whomever they want.

    Why are some black women so vested in keeping other black women from finding non-black quality men? There’s no sin in making sure that a man is able to provide, comes from a stable background, is ambitious and intellectually compatible.

    Amen! You rockin’ and rollin’ Valerie! πŸ˜€

  6. You are right, Betty.

    One thing you hear from black men repeatedly is that black women “won’t let them be men”. They say that black women want to be men.

    But, haven’t black women been pushed into that capacity by black men abdicating their responsibilities to their women, their families and their communities?

    Nature abhors a vacuum, and the empty space created by our black men deciding to do as little as possible in terms of marriage and family has to be filled by something or someone.

    The someone in this case is black women.

    GoldenAh: And the wonderful thing in this day and age, is that it’s not necessary anymore. The walls have come down. The world is our oyster. We can go anywhere and do anything, and we don’t need anyone’s permission. Our ancestors must be rejoicing at our freedom(s). All we have to do is recognize that we have them.

    Thanks for the input, MaryAnne. Great to hear from you. πŸ˜€

  7. Tysa, I hate to say it, but your aunt is speaking the truth about all these sisters that will give any good looking brother whatever they want on the first date. The “nice” girls are on their backs on the second date, they hold out a little longer.

    And that’s what’s expected by any nice looking BM that’s also got any kind of money, no matter how small. He knows there are plenty of black women to choose from in his world.

    Of course, when he is running after Becky or Conchita, then the whole thing gets flipped around, he’s as patient as he needs to be. The usual dynamic between men and women then applies.

    The dynamic between him and black women is one where he is the one metering out his valuable attention and affection to some fortunate BW. And if you’re a black woman that is dark, or overweight, or whatever, then, you’re just lucky to even be in the same room with him.

    Black women to most black men (even the ones without money or a job) are just a way to pass the time. Hey, it’s better than using your hand, right? And if you they give you some money or let you use their car, or give you a crash pad for awhile, then that’s just a nice bonus while you’re out trolling for more strange stuff.

    You made the right decision, gurl. Go out with the guys that will give you some measure of respect. And stay away from your aunt’s “advice”.

    GoldenAh: Nothing for me to add. πŸ˜€

    Thanks for stopping by, Sherylynn. πŸ™‚

  8. I personally believe that putting the onus upon black women to uplift and adore all black men regardless of whether they are good, bad, educated or criminals, breeding studs, rich, poor, smart, dumb or toothless has made many black men lazy with an in enormous sense of entitlement. We black women are “obligated” to be available to the black men even when they are free to roam about the racial landscape. Are we not deserving of happiness and love? I personally have put down the torch. I’m taking my marbles and going home. Game over.

    GoldenAh: Wherever this cultural messy mindset started it has to end. Now. These guys don’t feel that we should be shown any courtesy or treated with the respect that they lavishly bestow on non-black women. And it’s doggone funny. The world would be a better place if all men and women just exercised common courtesy and didn’t expect freebies, getting over, or extras based on skin color.

    BTW, I really like your blog. πŸ˜€

    Thanks for stopping by, Christelyn.

  9. Even though I’m bi-racial, I look black, and I dated black men while in school. When I told my mother I was going to date white guys, she said, “good, because the black men now ain’t s*&%.”

    GoldenAh: Momma doesn’t play, does she? πŸ˜€

    Yeah, my mom is black. My dad was white. He passed three years ago in a car accident.

    GoldenAh: Aw, so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad. {virtual hugs}

    My mom’s brothers and sisters aren’t happy about it though and have all let me know that, repeatedly. My mom, god love her, told me to (politely, she said) tell them to go to hell. She told me, with tears in her eyes, that she wanted me to get the best man possible for myself.

    I love my mom.

    GoldenAh: Your Mom sounds awesome. πŸ˜€

  10. I don’t know how bw date at some of these black colleges either they don’t or they share their men and that is too tacky for me especially of you have another option or even another college down the street filled with men of all races that won’t play games.
    I have friends that went to all black schools and they did get married but the men put them through all kinds of mess.

    GoldenAh: Wish I went away to college. I stayed home. Cheaper in the long run, but I know I missed a few things. I went to mostly black public schools. There was no way I was going to an all black college. I had enough of that. I wanted to meet other people.

    Better to be alone than have a man drag you down a hell hole. πŸ™‚ I’ll never understand the sacrificial-lamb mentality of some women. My Mom (heck, my entire family) would be horrified and angry at any man trying to treat me like garbage. Then again, I wouldn’t put up with it for a hot minute.

    Hey Bellydancer, thanks for stopping by. πŸ˜€

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