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For Black Women: When Your Choices Make Other People Or Your “Friends” Mad

Posted on | June 4, 2010 | 21 Comments

The following comment, and question, was sent to me by the intelligent and lovely Chocolatestar:

I wanted to send you this video and get your thoughts on this. I’m not sure if it’s just me and my strong opinionated personality, but i’m quite tired of black women bashing other black women, who call black men out on their self destructing behavior and hatred for their women.

Is it a crime to not be attracted to their characteristics( emotionally damaged, etc) or even want to take risks on black men, especially after observing the resulting trends.

I’m so tired of hearing how there are so many good black men out here, if i was interested in them I would be saying where they at, where they at. It’s funny who this chick ended up with after all.

I just recently ended a friendship with a bw, who was a christian extremist.

I sent her your essay on “Why white men are better” and she flipped her lid, saying that she has a black son and will never sabotage black men, because she love them so much and will only date a black man (yet the best man she ever had, her words, was a guy who was a drug dealer her babies daddy and eventually got shot down) and anyone blogging and reading essays bashing black men needs help.

Yet many have ran her through the dirt She went too far excusing their trending behavior with bible versus and the antebellum era. I tired to tell her that the essay to me was a clever way of counterbalancing the attacks bestowed upon black women who prefer white men over the ” kings” of the world bm ( yeah right).

Anyway I probably could rant more, but I have a test in the morning.

“Resurrection” – The Lost Black Man

I left out the video link. There are dozens, if not more, videos made by “strong”, “angry”, and “resentful” ultra-black wo/men demanding black women regard all black males with adoration, worship, reverence, and extreme diffidence. To place the value of any man before God tells you well enough that some people are a few fries short of a $1 happy meal.

There are people who believe black women compete (in any arena) with black men. It’s an amazing fallacy that has little merit in the real, mainstream, global, and international patriarchal world. Black women mostly struggle with financial sacrificing, relationship sustaining, parenting, and “saving the black community” alone. That’s not a strong functioning matriarchal system, that’s living with male abandonment.

Black men are in competition with other men
. All men are. It’s a man’s world. That’s never changed, and never will. The fact is black men lost – roughly 500 years ago. It’s likely they’re never going to catch up. At least, not for the next 100 years.

Black women cannot win it for them, no matter how hard they try to “man up” and do it. Which is why there are black women on YouTube, blogs, writing books, making hostile comments, and singing songs trying to “resurrect” black males back into the game. It wont work by encouraging an orgasmic savoring of masochism, sexism, and racism amongst black women, or false idol worship of black men. Her loss is not a black male’s gain.

But hey, good luck with that strategy folks. We can see from the last 30 plus years how well that’s worked out.

Friend of My Friend, Friend of My Enemy

I’d advise you not to argue with your friends, non-friends, and strangers about the men you may choose as a partner in life. No one actually has a say in the matter. What they think is irrelevant. If we go to them about these issues, it’s like we are looking for their acceptance. And we really cannot have that, can we? Do we go to the poor on how to become rich?

I’d also suggest you let your friends be if they are the ride-or-die, or black men only, type. We’d all like to be on the same page with our friends, but sometimes it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. However, since this person is vehemently against non-black men to the point of belligerent, irrational racism, and it will cause you personal pain (and don’t we always run into people like that?), then yeah, you are right to cut them loose.

As for the video, you may be surprised, but my feeling about the criticism of black women like us from militant black wo/men is: C’est la vie. Shrug. I don’t care. Sure, sometimes I’d like to smack some sense into them. Yet, if the Titanic is sinking, and they don’t care: What’s there for us to worry about? Our goal is to make sure we are not on the ship with them.

To a degree we love (most) of our people(s). We’d love to see all of them behave rationally, intelligently, do well, and be happy. But at the end of the day – we all gotta choose our own paths. We have to worry about our own happiness first and foremost.

So I ask you, ignore the hate, don’t seek these forums / idiotic people out. It’ll make you miserable.

You sound like you have your life together, so keep on pressing on. ‘Cause when you listen to these morons, whether you think it affects you or not, you may end up sabotaging yourself in the future.

The subconscious is one hell of a thing to get a handle on.

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Comments

21 Responses to “For Black Women: When Your Choices Make Other People Or Your “Friends” Mad”

  1. yellowmoon
    June 4th, 2010 @ 11:21 PM

    I’ll tell you what happened when I sent the link of that same post (Why White Men Are A Better Choice) to a friend of mine. She sent me back an email telling me not to believe everything I read on the internet, that this “Betty Chambers” was obviously a white guy pretending to be a BW.

    GoldenAh: Wow, I’ve been called a lot of things, but a white man? ROTFL. That’s new. But wouldn’t I be a bisexual one since I’ve expressed so much appreciation for white men? πŸ˜€

    She said that no black woman would ever write something like that, and that the intent of the post was for white men to open the door to getting black woman to have sex with them, and at the same time, knock down the brothers. I swear to god that’s what she wrote, and she was really annoyed with me for sending her the link.

    GoldenAh: Having sex with white men. Hmmm. That’s supposed to be a problem? Hmmm. Let me think about this…. Hmmm. Having sex with white men. Sounds good to me. πŸ˜€

    Next time I talked to her on the phone, she repeated this, and I started laughing, and she got really pissed off at me.

    We got some crazy stuff going on with us as BW.

    And I need to say it, because this what is real, not what she says about her black princes. My friend (she’s older than me) has two girls (10 and 6 years old), both whose fathers took a walk when they found out my friend was pregnant, and she’s never gotten a dime from either one of them, and the last guy she let live in her house had to be forcibly removed by the police when they had a fight and broke up.

    GoldenAh: Why do they insist on moving a guy in? Why? I had a friend ask me this (she’s a bit like your friend) about what if I met a guy with a house. I own mine. My answer was, “We buy one together. Sell both, or sell one, rent out the other, or rent out both.” But move him into my place? Nope.

    Couple of years back a guy I knew was feeling around that issue with me. I started laughing and said, “You trying to make reservations for a new place to sleep at?” He was the kind of black dude who goes to reside from girlfriend to girlfriend. Never has a spot of his own. Funny.

    And this is no woman in the projects, she’s had a good job with the state for 16 years, has a degree, owns her own home, etc. She is solidly middle-class in income. But, still hanging on to the whole “good black man” thing, waiting for that day when he is going to show up. I get to listen to her tell me about every new man, how this could be the one. He never is, though. Also I’ve warned her several times about allowing these guys to move in, considering she has her two young girls in the house, but she assures me that she can tell “if some dude’s perverted like that”. Yeah, just like she’s such a good judge of character about these guys in other ways, right?

    She tells me all this crap about great black men and all the proof otherwise she needs is right in her own life, right in front of her, and I’m the one that is gullible, reading stuff on the internet from black women that are really white men. And, I’m crazy for going out with my white boyfriend because all they want is sex from a black woman.

    GoldenAh: I thought the stereotype was that they didn’t find us attractive to begin with. So which one is it: All sex all the time? Or what no man wants?

    She says I don’t see no ring on your finger. Which is true, although I bet I’m a lot closer to that now than she will ever be. But, I don’t have two kids from two different baby daddies in my house, either. Yeah I’m the one that doesn’t have any sense, right?

    Le Sigh.

    It really wears you down, dealing with dysfunction like this. It’s exhausting sometimes. We are allready drifting apart, and I’ve known her for 9 years, and it sucks, but what can you do? This is a big fault line between us.

    GoldenAh: {Virtual hugs.} I know it hurts. She insists on being miserable, and you’re not obligated to join the club, since you two are pulling in different directions.

    At the end of the day, a friend, a real friend should be happy you have a man who loves you. If she (or he) cannot do that, what are they good for then?

    And thanks for stopping by, yellowmoon. Nice to hear from you again. πŸ˜€

  2. girl noir
    June 5th, 2010 @ 11:04 AM

    I wonder how many times that link was sent to someone else. I sent it to a couple of my girls, too.

    The comments here don’t surprise me because I’ve had the same strong reaction from other BW when I’ve mentioned IR dating. Why would you even want to do such a thing, they say. It’s a slap in the face to our brothas, they say. You just need more patience and you have to make things easier for OUR black men.

    GoldenAh: Now, that – that’s crazy talk right there. Where in the order of the universe is it a woman’s job to baby a supposedly grown man? Men take care of women. They’ve got their gender roles mixed up! Black women aren’t the property of the “brothas”. We belong to ourselves.

    I’m gonna pass on all that. I want a real man, not a boy in a 30 year old body.

    There are a lot of sistahs that seem intent on doing whatever they can to enable black men to never grow up, never be responsible, never have to hold down a job, never have to own up to paternity, etc.

    Not me.

    GoldenAh: Nurturing is necessary for babies and toddlers, but even children need to learn to be responsible. I don’t understand the drive to baby an adult male. It’s mentally unsanitary.

    However, why should they care so much about black women being with non-black men? That’s too much male identification for my taste. Who cares what the “brothas” think? I never did. I don’t worry about the opinion of black male strangers. They mean nothing to me.

    Black women, like all others, are free to be with any man, regardless of race.

    Thanks for stopping by. πŸ˜€

  3. Tysa
    June 5th, 2010 @ 4:09 PM

    Yeah, my aunt gave me that talk about making things easier for the brothas. She told me I shouldn’t talk about work or even mention college until I know the man better, because he might think I’m all “bougie”. And she reminded me that there are plenty of black chicks that will lay down for a nice looking brotha on the first date (and all of them do it by the second date), so I can’t be stuck up. Cuz sometimes I’m like that with men, she said.

    GoldenAh: Yeah, we’re too picky! Who do we think we are? Like other women or something? πŸ™‚

    So, I’m supposed to welcome my black brothers with open arms and open legs, cause that’s what they’d like? Oh, okay. Oh yeah, and make sure you don’t hurt their feelings talking about an education they don’t have and a job they don’t have. Poor things, they’re so sensitive, I guess.

    WTH, right!?!?

    I told her none of this was an issue because I hadn’t gone out with any black guys for almost two years and I couldn’t see that happening ever again in the future. Wow, did it get ugly there in my mom’s kitchen!

    You can’t change your relatives, but you can stay the hell away from them, so that’s the plan now. And then my mother had the nerve to tell me I hurt my aunt’s feelings, and she (my mother) was mad at me for that. SMDH!

    GoldenAh: LOL. Women really like to endorse this coddling spoiled brat initiative for grown men. Fathers don’t get all that sensitive with their boys. They’re busy trying to turn them into men, and they wont be delicate with regards to their feelings either.

    I feel y’all on the aggravation caused by friends and family, but these tales are sorta hilarious too. πŸ˜€

    Thanks for stopping by Tysa. πŸ˜‰

  4. Leone
    June 5th, 2010 @ 9:43 PM

    This just cracked me up completely:

    “So, I’m supposed to welcome my black brothers with open arms and open legs, cause that’s what they’d like?”

    OMG, that’s funny.

    You gotta laugh to keep from cryin’…

    GoldenAh: It is funny, right? πŸ˜€

    Couldn’t agree more. Thanks for stopping by, Leone. πŸ™‚

  5. Destini
    June 6th, 2010 @ 10:38 AM

    You know, having a lot of friends is great and all, but ultimately, you have to rely on your own moral compass to make your life decisions.

    GoldenAh: Trust your gut! Think about what works best for you!

    Getting advice or input from friends (or relatives) is helpful sometimes, but is useless when the people you’re getting advice from don’t know what they’re talking about. What is the old saying? “In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.”

    Don’t advice from anyone about anything (dating, what car to buy, diet, clothes, etc) that they themselves know very little (or nothing) about. And unfortunately, that covers a lot subjects when we’re talking about many of the black people I know. I hate to say it, but it’s true. And it’s another reason I love the internet so much.

    Anyway, all I’m saying, always consider the source whenever someone is trying to give you the benefit of their “wisdom”.

    GoldenAh: High-five. πŸ˜€

    And some of the advice is straight-up crazy.

    Thanks for the input Destini. πŸ™‚

  6. Southland Diva
    June 6th, 2010 @ 5:33 PM

    Hey GA,

    Thanks for checking out my blog!!!

    I have a friend trying to hook me up with a guy who is divorced has two children and consequently, ex-wife issues because of the children. This person stepped out of his marriage (something he admitted to me) for years.

    My friend says he’s learned a lot since his marriage and that he is now a good (black) man because he wants to get to know me for me, not for physical reasons…..

    So let me get this straight, a man who is 8 or nine years older than me; with two children; who was/is challenged in the fidelity department; who has little money because of child support; who has ex-wife drama……this is who you want to hook me up with?????!!!!

    I might be in my forties, but I am not desperate or crazy.

    [A total aside: In my spinsterhood (not originally a negative term) I shall have one tiny, annoying Yorkie/Poo rather than the nine cats…. ;-)]

    I can’t help but wonder what the heck was she thinking!!!

    I. Am. Not. Settling!

    Peace

    GoldenAh: He’s breathing (mouth optional). He has a job (maybe). That’s all we “picky” sistahs require. πŸ˜€

    I don’t forgive any man if he abandons his family, especially where young children are concerned. I know a guy (WM) who made sure that his wife couldn’t move miles away with the children (I think he kept them most of the time). He was smart enough to have that put in the divorce agreement. I respect that.

    I hear you. I had a flaming hot temper (volcanic). I know me. I know when it’s my time. When I’m ready, I’m ready.

    Cheers. πŸ˜€

  7. Oshun/Aphrodite
    June 6th, 2010 @ 7:39 PM

    “And she reminded me that there are plenty of black chicks that will lay down for a nice looking brotha on the first date (and all of them do it by the second date), so I can’t be stuck up. Cuz sometimes I’m like that with men, she said.”

    WOW. Um wow. This is so sad disturbing and upsetting on so many levels. Thank God you aren’t listening to your crazy aunt. Does she know what she is saying to you.


    GoldenAh
    : I was looking for words to describe it, and it came to me: familial malpractice.

    I pray for those who are actually heeding this kind of advice.

    Nice to hear from you Oshun/Aphrodite. πŸ™‚

  8. Sky
    June 6th, 2010 @ 8:19 PM

    So let me get this straight, a man who is 8 or nine years older than me; with two children; who was/is challenged in the fidelity department; who has little money because of child support; who has ex-wife drama……this is who you want to hook me up with?????!!!!

    -Southland Diva

    I couldn’t believe what I was reading then again, this is the new hook-up for bw who are dating nothing but a bm. I remember a friend of mine suggested that I should date a certain guy, because she thought he was a good match. I asked her to describe him to me and what’s his life story. Apparently this man owns a barbershop, has cars, BUT is an ex-convict. He has NEVER stuck to one woman, and has god knowns how many children. I looked at her and asked “what in the hell made you think he would be a good match for me? you yourself don’t even want him, but you think I would?”. She was dead silent. I knew from that point she’s never to set me up with any blind dates no matter how “good of a match” the man might be. Ridiculous! I have better chances with match.com

    As far as talking about IR dating…I only reserve that with people I know who are ready for that conversation. And if they go into “I can’t wait for you sky to find a good bm” I look them square in the eye and go “I want to find a good man, regardless of his race, I rule no one out“. They know where I stand and we don’t have to have the coddling bm conversation cause I’m not going; there it’s a tired and pathetic subject.

    GoldenAh: Yes, a good man of any race. Although it wouldn’t hurt if he looked like Daniel Henney. http://bettychambers.com/?p=125 πŸ˜€

    This desperate bm hookup has the feel of: “Oh look, look, girlfriend! There goes a BM now. If you take off your shoes, holla at him, and run fast enough you might catch him!” πŸ˜€

    Thanks for stopping by, Sky! πŸ™‚

  9. Sol2Sol
    June 7th, 2010 @ 1:44 PM

    I told my mother I was dating a white boy when I was a freshman two years ago, and she just wrote it off to a combination of teenage rebellion and experimentation. She’s never mentioned it again, it’s just like that conversation never happened. And here’s the thing, my mother is 1/4 white herself!

    I think she is just waiting for me to “come around”. Every time I’m home she tries to set me up with the sons of other black women she knows.

    My friends? They’re cool, all of them, black, white, asian, hispanic. There is a lot of interracial mixing and matching in the crowd I hang with, so it’s cool. IF it wasn’t cool with one of them, then I’d probably just kick them to the curb as friend, you know?

    Still, I think you would be surprised at how many black girls in college are sticking to the “nothing but a BM” deal. They don’t get a lot of dates on campus. Maybe they’re going home or off-campus and hooking up with a black guy, I don’t know.

    It’s nothing that was planned, but I haven’t dated a brother since I started college. A couple of super-nice white guys, and now a big guy that’s half-Korean and half-white. He is foine, ladies.

    GoldenAh: It’s good to hear that the college crowd isn’t uptight about it.

    Oh, I bet that half-Korean half-white is foine as hell…. πŸ˜€

    Thanks for stopping by Sol2Sol, love the feedback. πŸ™‚

  10. olderandwiser
    June 7th, 2010 @ 3:29 PM

    If you pursuing a measure of happiness, love and contentment in your life makes your friends unhappy, just get some new friends, seriously.

    When you get older (like I am), you’ll wonder why you even cared what that person thought about your love life. Believe me. It will all just seem funny and far away that you even thought about it.

    GoldenAh: Back flip, high-five. Amen. πŸ˜€



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