BETTY CHAMBERS

Narcissism for Black Women: The Very Good and Healthy Expression of Deep Self-Love, and Extreme Self-Devotion. Why? Because It's Good For Ya! And Sometimes I Write about Natural Hair, Among Other Things


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Rant: I Need My Own Cyrano De Bergerac

Posted on | June 24, 2010 | 11 Comments

Granted, I can be a decent writer when I’m angry or in an especially good mood. I think my writing is even superb when I work at it.

But I’m thinking there’s something off when I write a personal ad or even a resume. It’s odd how I put those two together, but they both require a level of selling (of the self) that I’m not great at. I’m used to taking classes all of my life on how to be a dutiful student and corporate worker-bee drone, but not showcase myself.

There’s a teaching methodology of pushing learned helplessness, as opposed to independence (and I don’t mean false self-esteem) in these schooling systems that needs to be eviscerated.

I didn’t believe self-promotion was necessary – I thought “sales” was something everyone else did. Yet, little did I realize it’s the lifeblood of western society. Part of me still thinks it’s not necessary. Part of me also wonders: Where do I draw the line on describing how incredibly awesome I am (said entirely tongue-in-cheek)?

Not only that – do men actually read? I think I’m enviously starting to “hate on” women who say they’ve searched online for Mr. Right and he appears within three weeks, or even three months.

To top off my aggravation meter, the man (and I mean man) speaks to her like an adult, not a wannabe porn star.

Do guys ever realize that some women are completely turned off by constant and instantaneous sex talk? Would it hurt to even ask if that’s appropriate? Why must I be the schoolmarm and tell them it’s lame? Doesn’t anyone have any class or common sense anymore? Were all these people brought up in animal shelters?

I get that this is a hookup-instant-sex-too-much-information society. I don’t roll at that speed. I never will. I don’t roll into instant information: I like breathing space. Let me slowly process who you are. There’s no difference between meeting someone online and chatting and bar pickups. I’ve done it all. I’ve gone everywhere (meetups, church, just walking, etc.) and I still meet the same guy(s).

I know what I’m doing wrong: I should have been born during an era where people had clearly defined social rules or something. Or maybe in the future when people regain their sanity.

Yeah, I get that this is how it is. I would like to know where are the grown men? Because all I’m meeting are adolescents in the body of 30 and 40 year olds. Don’t get me wrong, I’m meeting guys! I would just like them to be mature men.

‘Cause I’m too old for the silly nonsense now.

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11 Responses to “Rant: I Need My Own Cyrano De Bergerac”

  1. Oshun/Aphrodite
    June 25th, 2010 @ 3:50 PM

    I can relate. Too well.

    You are right about the selling yourself all the time. What if you’re modest? What if you have difficulty seeing yourself clearly?

    The same thing with men. I don’t know who and what the heck some of them have been dealing with, but there are a lot of turns offs that they throw out there.

    I have to really hold my tongue.

    GoldenAh: It reeks of bedroom performance insecurity. They have no idea what true eroticism is. ‘Cause if he’s in that much of a hurry, then there’s really nothing to look forward to. πŸ˜‰

    What’s crazy is when I run across 21 to 25 year old guys who are very mature. I can actually get a decent and fun conversation out of them. Boy, if only I was a dirty old woman (at least full time). πŸ˜€

    The worst guys are those that send a long email raging about drama queens, and this is their idea of an introduction. Truly insane in the membrane.

    As for selling oneself, sometimes it feels like lying, but hey, everybody does it, so it should be okay, right? It’s hard though.

    Thanks for the feedback Oshun/Aphrodite, it’s appreciated.

  2. Sky
    June 26th, 2010 @ 12:42 PM

    I understand where you’re coming from GoldenAh. I had to take a break from dating twice, because I kept running into men who just came out of a long term relationship and couldn’t get over their ex-gf’s. And here I am 24 still looking for a long term relationship.

    I’m starting to wonder if men (here in the U.S.) are even bothering to look for a long-term relationship (since they’ve been in one too many) or have they given that up altogether.

    I hate to say it,but from when I was a child I always imagined that my husband would be foreign. My parents are from Jamaica so my values differ from many Americans (this is in no means to offend anyone). I find that no matter his race our values never matched. But when I date men who’s parents were born outside the U.S. we clicked.

    I do my best not to give up hope. After all we have to kiss a lot of frogs before we meet our prince. Right now I’m just trying to get myself together, enjoy activities, get my career going, and do everything I can to go overseas. But I have to learn…infact we all have to learn to be patient.

    I can tell you right now I am not ready to be married and maybe that’s why I keep running into short-term relationships. So I have to take a honest look at myself before pointing the finger.

    I would love to be in love and have companionship, but my current life plans say otherwise. Everything I do is for my future children, none of this is done in vain.

    For everyone else out there, if you are currently trying to find love that can lead to marriage, you have to keep putting yourself out there. Time waits on no one! Now that you know what you want and what you won’t tolerate, it should be easy to weed out the men and get straight to the point without wasting time. I urge you not to give up =)

    GoldenAh: Oh, my folks are from Barbados. They’re conservative, but I think I’m even more so than they are in some areas. My Dad had to go my Mom’s father to not only ask for her hand in marriage, but he had to tell them the kind of employment and future prospects he had and was going to have. I tell my Mom how wild the guys (and the women too) are today, and she goes, “Wow, things have changed.” She realizes the people on TV judge shows are not a population outlier. They’re the norm.

    I like (most) American men, and I like European guys too. But there can be a lot of hurtles when dealing with the guys here. I figure they’re going through drama, or they’re meeting too many easy lays. But hey, if we women are told to always keep an open perspective, forgive, forget, and start anew, then they need to have the same attitude. We cannot be the only sweet saint in a relationship. It’s unbalanced. And my role in life isn’t to “heal” anyone. I couldn’t if I tried: I’m not a trained shrink.

    I wont lie. In hindsight, if I could have moved to Europe a decade ago – I would have left.

    Frankly, I sometimes don’t “date” or have a “relationship” for a very long time, because at some point this search for a decent / quality man feels like self-inflicted psychological abuse. And I like myself too much to keep at it. We all need a break. For now, as always, I keep it light and easy.

    Anyway, like maintaining a healthy weight, relationships require the same if not more work. πŸ™‚

    Thanks for the comments Sky! πŸ˜€

  3. Oshun/Aphrodite
    June 26th, 2010 @ 2:39 PM

    ” It reeks of bedroom performance insecurity. They have no idea what true eroticism is. β€˜Cause if he’s in that much of a hurry, then there’s really nothing to look forward to. ;)”

    True…Plus I need romance. Tenderness, gentleness. Woo me. It doesn’t even take a lot of effort to woo someone.

    “What’s crazy is when I run across 21 to 25 year old guys who are very mature. I can actually get a decent and fun conversation out of them. Boy, if only I was a dirty old woman (at least full time). :D”

    I aspire to be a dirty old lady one day. Go for it. All them men who have approached my mom are younger. My grandmother had a 60 yo boyfriend when she was 80 something. I don’t see the big deal.
    GoldenAh: My favorite comment of the day!!! πŸ˜€

    “The worst guys are those that send a long email raging about drama queens, and this is their idea of an introduction. Truly insane in the membrane.”

    You are right. They are crazy. I have run across a few of them. And don’t forget the personal ads that mention “game playing”. If it is inappropriate for me to mention all my DBR experiences, bad sexual experiences, the deaths of my dog, bird, father, and grandfather on a first date or during an introduction then – these men ought to know better. Where is Patti Stanger when you need her?

    “As for selling oneself, sometimes it feels like lying, but hey, everybody does it, so it should be okay, right? It’s hard though.”

    I wouldn’t say lying, but it does feel uncomfortable. I am ok with other people praising me, but it feels weird for me to do it myself.

    @ Sky

    I am on a break as well. There is nothing more I hate than a man who talks about another woman when he is with me. Or is fixated on another woman and expresses that to me in any way. Granted I have only had DBRBM do this to me, but I see that as disrespectful. Why waste your time?

    I agree with the easy lays.

    GoldenAh: I’ve love for there to be some symbol, code word, or flipping seal that would let these guys know – you need to treat me this way, this is what I’m looking for – and they get it. ‘Cause right now, it’s not sinking in. Oh well, one day I’ll get the formula right.

    Anyways, love the comments. πŸ˜€

  4. Selena
    June 26th, 2010 @ 7:01 PM

    *Sigh*

    It’s tough. What’s even tougher are the sites specifically catering to bw/non-black men are over-run by everyone else.

    GoldenAh: Wow. Really? You know I hadn’t signed up for any of them … It just looked like they were all run by the same company. Way, way back in the past I had joined a few, and they just took me to a site (with the same database of users) without any decent filters.

    I was like, what’s the point?

    Don’t get me started on those websites where the man claims he’s working in a foreign country and suddenly needs financial help… I don’t even play with that long distance stuff. πŸ˜€

  5. Selena
    June 27th, 2010 @ 1:15 PM

    @ Golden-Ah,

    What I meant by over-run, I’m referring to the databases of men.

    That’s one reason why I stop the online thing πŸ™

    GoldenAh: Oh, okay, gotcha!

  6. Christelyn D. Karazin
    June 28th, 2010 @ 8:52 AM

    Betty, what sites are you frequenting? I hear that eHarmony has the most serious-minded potential mates. Also, if online dating continues to be a bust, someone (I just can’t remember who) suggested meetup.com. You can meet different people and do activities and mingle in person–which I’m guessing it’s less likely that a man will come right out and ask you if you’re wearing edible panties. I guessing about that though…

    GoldenAh: With the kind of men eHarmony sent me I might as well flag down the first car in the street. That man would be a better match. Hmm. That might not be a bad tactic. Unfortunately, my compatibility range is in some strange zone of 3-5% of the population. Not fun.

    Also, you’d be surprised how many “ghosts” are on these sites, especially eHarmony, along with those “overseas business men.” πŸ˜‰

    Trust me, if you name a site (in most cases). I’ve been there. Done that. Lol.

    It doesn’t matter how often you say “dating”, “LTR”, or “let’s explore a relationship”, every guy reads that to mean hookup and friends-with-benefits. And the stupid ones think you are proposing instant marriage.

    Yeah, I get out the house to mingle… I’ll save that rant for another post. πŸ˜€

    Thanks for the thoughtful suggestions, Christelyn.

  7. Bellydancer
    June 28th, 2010 @ 2:45 PM

    Golden check out this article by Deborrah Cooper called: How Black Churches Keep African-American Women Single and Lonely

    http://survivingdating.com/

    It’s about how trying to go to church to find a man is futile for bw.

    GoldenAh: Oh yeah, I read it. I also listened to her BlogTalk Radio show. Hot! I felt sad for the women who left angry comments, thinking that church = God, which is not true. She made some very good points. I learned something, ’cause I had no idea it was like that.

    I haven’t been a regular to church since I was 10 or 12. I told the folks, “I’m done.” And they let it go. I can’t remember the last time I went. I never could handle some guy yelling at me from the pulpit about what God wants me to do. I always felt the people were too bossy and interfering. Not my style. πŸ˜€

    Thanks for the link, Bellydancer!

  8. jubilee
    June 28th, 2010 @ 8:08 PM

    I think the reason that men are acting this way is because so many women slept with them, and the women were easy. They were just there to ‘hook up’. If these women insisted on more, we wouldn’t have such a hard time finding mates. The men are spoiled, and thats all colors. Although there are nice ‘alpha’ type men out there who would cherish you, you need to get to know them and probably be a little ‘feminine’ with them.

    GoldenAh: True. It’s a mess. Men and women don’t follow any proper socially defined roles. People have misinterpreted the roles as oppressive of women: they got it wrong! It was to protect them. Heck, it protects everyone. Manners went out the window decades ago. It’s all upside down.

    I remember an article in the WSJ written by an upper-middle-class white father upset at the fact that the boys don’t even want to wear a suit, properly present themselves to him (or the world), and fulfill his daughter’s desire (along with other girls) to attend a prom. They bailed and opted to hang out. He was very disappointed.

    He was wondering what was going on with them that they didn’t want to bother with the whole process. Maybe he should have “asked”, but I suspect he was afraid of the real answer. ‘Cause it’s not like these are broke people.

    You can tell a guy – almost a million times – you aren’t into hookups, you are into dating to explore, you are looking for a serious relationship – and you know what still happens after a date? He wants to jump your bones. Each and every time – without fail.

    I’d really like to know where these patient guys who write dozens of emails, slowly move to phone calls, and eventually meeting are hiding out at.

    I don’t want anyone reading this to get discouraged by my particulars. That’s just how life is. Somethings are easier for people in different areas of their lives. Sometimes it’s easier to make money than find a partner. Sometimes it’s easier to find a partner than make money. And sometimes it’s easier to do both. Then again, sometimes both things are hard.

    I’m thinking I should have paid attention when I was taking those psychology classes back in college. πŸ˜€

  9. jubilee
    June 28th, 2010 @ 8:17 PM

    Years ago my dad said that if a man starts getting sexually active BEFORE he could take care of himself, HE’S RUINED and good for nothing–I know it sounds harsh, but most of these guys want their women to take care of them in every way—and wont even bring up marriage–whats worse, women put up with this nonsense


    GoldenAh
    : Men know the real dope about their brethren.

    I’d just like to know the magic words to get these boys to stay away…

    Thanks for the input, Jubilee. πŸ™‚

  10. BWMM
    June 30th, 2010 @ 11:30 AM

    GoldenAh: Men know the real dope about their brethren.

    I’d just like to know the magic words to get these boys to stay away>

    That’s why I like to let men talk. When they talk long enough they will let things slip. This same goes with anyone you encounter. I’ve worked with people who have prejudiced, sexist or racist ideas that had the nicest personalities or seemed to(not to say we don’t all have our prejudices etc.)but after long convos with them they start to let something slip.

    GoldenAh: True. True. Listening is critical. ‘Cause when we stop, we start talking ourselves into a whole new relationship mess. πŸ˜€



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