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Black Women – Devil’s Advocate: You Gotta Chase a White Man

Posted on | September 3, 2010 | 11 Comments

It’s September, and it’s Devil’s Advocate* month. Let’s have some fun, shall we? :D

You’ve been dateless, man-free, and frustratingly single this entire summer, month, year, decade, or century.

All these BWE / BW-IR blogs are starting to work your last nerve. Why?

You are getting so effing tired of hearing all these damn rules of what YOU gotta do to get you some swirl action.

You are getting so tired of these relentlessly cheerful, unnaturally happy, skinny ass, absolutely perfect, nauseatingly special black women who find it sooooo dayumn easy to get hold of a (white) man. It’s like some of these chicks rolled out of bed, opened the front door, and there stood Mr. Prince Charming with a dozen red roses in one hand and a 14kt diamond engagement ring in the other. It’s gotta be maddening to find out that he looks like Bradley Cooper or Jonathan Rhys Meyers with Ryan Reynolds’s deliciously hot body.

It’s been a long, long, dry (really dry and you’re thirsty ’bout now), hot summer, and you didn’t get yours.

The “solutions” that keep coming are fast and furious, yet they’re not only contradictory, they seem annoyingly unrealistic and unreachable. You wanna hear some “keepin’ it real” advice from one black woman to another. Not stuff you could easily read in any white woman’s magazine or The Rules book.

Everywhere you go – you keep asking the same question: Where are all these wonderful white men these chicks keep finding? ‘Cause no one’s really looked your way since your hairdresser “accidentally” dyed your hair baboon-ass red, and promised the color would fade in a week.

As the Devil’s Advocate, I’m here to confirm your worst fears: finding a man will be hardest task you’ve ever undertaken. The truth of the matter is: these white guys really aren’t checking for YOU. Of course, it’s easy for all these other ladies. But for you? Pshaw. You will have to roll up your sleeves and get to work.

I know the excuses. So let’s throw them under the bus:

  • you’re not heading to Europe for a man.
  • you have no intention of traveling for luv.
  • you’re not losing 10-50+ plus pounds just to get a man. they gotta love you as you are.
  • you’re not joining any clubs that are dominated by men.
  • you’re uniquely quirky (weird) with a strange sense of humor. guys don’t dig you.
  • you don’t want to hear any mess about your hair. ever again.
  • you ain’t planning on grinning and skinning all day for no man. he’s gotta understand you have moods.
  • you’re not buying any new clothes. funk that. you love lumberjack flannel shirts.
  • you know the truth that no one else will ever admit: most, if not all, white men just don’t like black women!!!!

Sorry. You’re gonna have to make changes, but let’s ease into it.

Let me roll out some things here that you might want to think about, but don’t over think about.

  • How often and how long do you make eye contact with an attractive (in your eyes) man? Long, short, blink and gone?
  • Do you smile and say hello first? If he doesn’t respond, do you think you weren’t loud enough or that the dude probably hates black women and you swear you’ll never to do it again?
  • Do you believe men know what you’re thinking?
  • Do you assume you know what men are thinking when they look at you? Are your thoughts negative, neutral, or positive?
  • Are you able to have a conversation without uttering one negative word or thought? That one might not be easy.
  • How’s your body language? Closed or open? Arms folded a lot? Do you lean towards the person or away?
  • Do you shy away or hide from men? It’s possible you’re doing it subconsciously.
  • Ever went to a party / gathering and decided to touch every guy when crossing the room? You know, just a light caress down the arm. If you’re feeling bold, turn your head, smile, and look ‘em up and down… Practice makes perfect.
  • Online dating is hit and miss: stop joining sites where 98.23% of the white guys will date anybody, even other men, but a black woman. Seek out the interracial sites, the men are half-way there and willing. That makes sense, right?
  • Relax. Relax. Relax. Flirt. Flirt. Flirt.
  • Get in the habit of making friends with white men. Friends. Friends. Friends. With no benefits. Keep it platonic.

I have more bad news for you.

There is no magical interracial swirl fairy. You’re gonna have to get a man the old-fashioned way: chase him down and collar him. To chase a man means being coy, witty, friendly, feminine, and slightly seductive. That takes practice.

Have fun.

*According to Wikipedia, Devil’s Advocate is:

In common parlance, a devil’s advocate is someone who, given a certain argument, takes a position he or she does not necessarily agree with, just for the sake of argument. In taking such position, the individual taking on the devil’s advocate role seeks to engage others in an argumentative discussion process. The purpose of such process is typically to test the quality of the original argument and identify weaknesses in its structure, and to use such information to either improve or abandon the original, opposing position.
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11 Responses to “Black Women – Devil’s Advocate: You Gotta Chase a White Man”

  1. Southland Diva
    September 3rd, 2010 @ 10:07 PM

    Hey G!

    I love this post!!!

    I think making platonic friends with white guys (or non-black guys) is a wonderful way for AA women to ‘learn’ how other men behave. Abercombies (my term for white guys who don’t try to ‘act black’) behave and react differently from Thug-lifers (my term for black guys who play the thug/player/pimp role). AA women need to know this and they need to know how to behave and react to men who don’t treat them like a body part.

    Any man who treats a woman this way must be dismissed. Oh, and run, don’t walk, from white men who ‘act black’, just don’t even go there!

    We need to let go of this need to be the strong black woman! Men like feminine women. End. Of. Story. Women are not men. Don’t act like one.

    Peace

    GoldenAh: High-five! I couldn’t say it any better. 😀

  2. Queen
    September 4th, 2010 @ 12:42 AM

    @ Southland Diva you are so right, I am tired of the “strong black woman” burden which is nothing more than being a mule; an animal which carries heavy burdens. I have seen so many black women who lack femininity not becasue they cannot be, but because they are tired and are just existing. The budens they carry make it almost impossible for them to celebrate their femininity in their everyday lives.

    I saw my mother who was a debutante in high school, who when my family lived in New York shopped at Saks Fifth Avenue and all the high end stores go from a Foxy fashionista to wearing Jeans and t-shirts after her divorce from my father only dressing up to go to church on sundays. And alot of women have that same “uniform” because it is practical! A Many have been told it is their “duty” to bear the burden and be the “mothers” in the community in othe words the mules.

    And where are most of the men???? Off doing whatever they like because they deep in their hearts know that the faithful mules will be there waiting…… so they act like the pimp/playa/thug knowing the Mules will “take it” as these men pile the abuse, mistreatment and disespect on their shoulders; all they while they become the martyr, being “understanding” and “enduring” knowing that one day they will “come around”.

    So they shout loud in church waiting for them to “come on home” a homecoming that will never come , yet they hope. Even a mule can only carry so much before they buckle under the weight or perish from exhaustion. Enough is enough.

    As this sister so beautifully put it, we must stop taking on the man’s role and reclaim our femininity and make the men who approach us respect our femininity and if they won’t put them on foot patrol!

    GoldenAh: Well said, Queen. Well said. 🙂

  3. Likewaterforchocolat
    September 4th, 2010 @ 12:52 PM

    Recent development:

    My BW/WM meetup group I joined is having its first mixer this week and I am pretty excited. It was started about a month ago and has grown to 99 members and one of the guys has a discussion forum going about a Washington Post article regarding encouragement of black women to date interracially. We have everyone weighing in and it has turned into quite the lively discussion. it’s geared toward over 30 singles who are seriously seeking IR connections.

    Wish me luck!

    GoldenAh: Excellent. Good luck, and knock ’em dead, Likewaterforchocolat. 😀

  4. daphne
    September 4th, 2010 @ 4:53 PM

    Cause no one’s really looked your way since your hairdresser “accidentally” dyed your hair baboon-ass red,

    I was done after this…..LMAO.

    I think I like Devil’s Advocate Month, please consider posting more from this POV.

    For the argument itself – I really think it’s all about balance. I think it’s fine, smart even, to have a strategy or position yourself to attract men, but at the end of the day, it’s really up to the man to pursue. You can do everything right, and he doesn’t take the hint. C’est la vie, and keep it moving. Call me crazy, but I don’t expect every man I meet to be interested enough to pursue. Nothing wrong with me or him, it just doesn’t happen.

    That’s why women can’t think of the advice posed on various blogs as a formula designed to yield specific results – it doesn’t work that way, especially since the formula almost never includes things such as: demographics of single men in your area (including variables such as religion – if you’re atheist and living in the Bible Belt, that might be a challenge, hello), attitudes of men in the area towards black women in general, attitudes of single women in your area (if most women push up on a man and do all of the work, while you are the epitome of modesty and femininity, it might pose a challenge), not living in a major city, etc. And NONE of the above can be blamed on the individual black woman.

    I tend to think modesty and femininity are essential and beneficial in general, and not just in the “trying to catch a man because I’m in my 30s and don’t have much time left” perspective. That’s just me, though.

    Still, I really like the idea of lightly touching guys crossing the room. You may be cheeky in listing that one, Goldenah, but what can I say, I like touching men! Don’t judge me.

    GoldenAh: I think light touching helps one relax, conveys warmth, friendliness, and takes away the fear factor. Plus it doesn’t hurt to check muscle tone… 😀

  5. daphne
    September 4th, 2010 @ 4:54 PM

    I forgot to add….good luck likewaterforchocolat!

  6. HarleyQ2
    September 4th, 2010 @ 10:27 PM

    I believe dating is just not an easy experience. I never follow anyone’s advice about “how to attract…” any man. I am just me and that’s all you can be. There are different kinds of men out there and it feels like a needle in a hay stack to find Mr Compatible. The reality is there are many single women out there of different races competiting for a limited pool of men. The other downside is this, there are not a large number of nonblack men who are open to IRR dating. So the open black woman is still in competition for a good marriage-worthy mate.

    GoldenAh: It’s easy to plan for many things in life, but whether we like it or not, there are a lot of things outside of our control. That’s just how it is.

    Finding a good mate (I believe) is all fortuitous luck, serendipity, being in the right place at the right time, and being open and receptive to romantic possibilities.

    Some women have a very strong idea of who suits them and no one else will do, while others are compatible with nearly every man alive. If I was someone who was highly compatible – I’d be hitched already. Alas, I’m not that pliable. Funny enough, it’s only been a handful of years, or so, since I’ve figured out what I really do like, and what I’m compatible with. Le sigh. 😀

    Thanks for your thoughts on this, HarleyQ2. 🙂

  7. Valerie
    September 7th, 2010 @ 1:52 PM

    Well, I have made a list of my man requirements and although I haven’t met him yet, but I have been chatting or men have been chatting and smiling at me.

    GoldenAh: Good for you, Valerie! 😀

  8. Frank M.
    September 7th, 2010 @ 2:20 PM

    There are certain mistakes women can make that will turn men off instantly. Unfortunately, most men will still sleep with the woman and not reveal his true feelings about her until she asks “where is this going?” or he just stops calling altogether. She ends up repeating the mistake ad nauseam. He had already downgraded her in his mind to booty call the second she mentioned or did ______ (insert whatever caused him to think less of her). I’m sure it can be confusing to women because they never know exactly where the mistake was made. On the flip side, men usually get instant feedback when a mistake is made because women who are turned off will usually not let it go any further.

    GoldenAh: Thank you for that honesty, Frank. That is excellent advice. Men can be very touch and go. 😀

  9. Eugenia
    September 10th, 2010 @ 6:14 AM

    Love the blog, very funny. I’ve had women ask me how I met my fiancee, how to met a white guy, no I didn’t just open the door and he was there. It’s not that easy but I did make myself available to love. There is no magic bullet, when it’s your time, it’s your time and if it’s not it’s just not. Making yourself available to love is kind of hard to define but many of your suggestions are things to when you are.

    I was rejected a lot but really I only wanted one man, I didn’t want every man to want me just one, the man I loved and that would love me. I found him. And believe me I’ve also rejected some men too. It seems that sometimes as bw we’re percieved to be so desperate we’d take anything in a white man and that’s just not true. If I hadn’t met my darling, I’d still be single and enjoying my life. Really for me, my whole life was cake before I met him and when he came along, I just some ice cream to go with it.

    GoldenAh: There are times where men wouldn’t look at or notice a woman (regardless of looks or race) when she’s thinking she’s the hottest thing alive. Then there are times when that same woman doesn’t think she looks great, and the men won’t leave her alone. That’s life.

    I’ve read some of the complaints about meeting men. I get that a lot of them fear rejection – like it’s worse coming from a white man than black (hmmm that might be another post) – and they want an easy, free of rejection, and no feelings getting hurt way of dating. I don’t think that exists.

    Thank you so much for this contribution, Eugenia, because you are on target. 😀

  10. DiosaNegra
    September 23rd, 2010 @ 12:40 PM

    LOL @ “….accidentally dyed your hair baboon-ass red…” 😀 (are you listening, Kat Von D?)

    Anyway, I managed to read some of the “do’s” about “how to attract WM” elsewhere….and I read that I “should” give up my fashionably funky threads (not GaGa-esque by ANY means) and purchase more “preppy” clothing…

    I’m not knocking the pretty “preppy” people…but that look just never fit me at all…I’d feel as though I’m dressed up for Halloween. (I think I have an actual physical reaction to wearing Fair Isle sweaters….a BAD reaction!)

    @ Eugenia: “It seems that sometimes as bw we’re percieved to be so desperate we’d take anything in a white man and that’s just not true.”

    UNBELIEVABLY. ON. POINT.

    @ GoldenAh: “… I get that a lot of them fear rejection – like it’s worse coming from a white man than black (hmmm that might be another post) – and they want an easy, free of rejection, and no feelings getting hurt way of dating. I don’t think that exists.”

    PLEASE. DO. A. POST. (pretty, please?) 😀

    Seriously, rejection is GONNA happen…it’s a fact of life, whether it’s jobs or dating….you can’t get EVERYTHING at first try!

    Great post….keep ’em coming…

    GoldenAh: If a woman is voluptuous, preppy isn’t gonna cut it. I think of that red head on Mad Men, and I love her style/clothes. She’s got a banging body and doesn’t wear anything that doesn’t suit her shape.

    I have to search the comments again, because I know there are posts where I keep saying I want to write about a subject, and then I forget. I’ll try to keep my promises. 🙂



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