Relationship Barriers: Black Women, White Men and Other Non-Black Men

Note: Let me put my caveats up front. This post obviously does not apply to each and every black woman, since some of us are flexible, flirtatious, and at ease with white and other non-black men.

The Swirl Imperative: Becoming More Social

There is no shame in lacking a flirting game or being a bit socially inadequate in mixed company – at this juncture in your life. You know how it goes: sitting at a table with your girlfriends, like a hostage, segregated from everyone else, because they’re uncomfortable at that social event and by design do everything to keep you from getting your groove on.

I believe in the power of a couple of Cosmos and Fuzzy Navels! 😀

I’m always hopeful we’ll grow out of staying socially segregated, because when we integrate – that increases our interactions with white, Latino, Asian and other non-black men. The more men you meet, the more likely you are to meet Mr. Right for marriage, 2.5 kids and picket fences. And all that good stuff.

Relationship Barriers: The Strange Tensions

I appreciated the candor of this testimony. It reveals why some white men, and by extension other non-black men, are wary of approaching black women.

The following comments are by Carlos, which I edited to highlight some points:

  • I’m a white man in my late 30s… Well, not completely white, but basically white for other people’s perception. I love women, and I’m also a bit of a sex addict- always have been, since my teens. I love sex, and more than anything I love to give women pleasure.
  • That said, the intesity of the debate and people’s feelings around BW/WM relationships and sex have always been challenging for me. I am attracted to so many types of women, and appreciate so many different things, and black women are no exception.
  • But where I’m normally just lustful and girl-crazy, I am more cautious with black women. The controversy, history and frankly less clear flirtatious interest from black women definitely factor in and give me pause. And it’s not for lack of adoration for black women on my part, trust me.
  • But it feels more complicated, potentially, than with other women. Of course I’m generalizing, but I hope you get the idea. And really, I think that tension reflects race relations and race (mis) undertanding in general.
  • My first girlfriend and sex partner in high school was a black girl, and I have had two relationships with black women since- one lasting for 3 years monogamously and another a friendly casual sexual relationship with a neighbor that was off/on for five years.
  • I hope for more in the future.
  • On a cultural note, I think a lot of Generation X white guys like me who were raised in liberal post-hippie households, growing up and learning about sex involved a positive open attitude about sex that fostered a lot of emphasis on women’s pleasure and orgasm. I basically learned that that defined good sex. Works for me, and I think that might explain the scenario that white men are versatile, creative, long-lasting and giving lovers.

Thank you for your perspective, Carlos.

Yeah, I know he’s talking about SEX, SEX and more SEX, but he’s also admitting – as a regular guy – that he finds black women as attractive as other women. Far too often some of us like to hang our hats on men not finding us attractive, so that’s not the case here.

He’s interested, but he cannot tell if you are. He’s interested, but he hesitates, because of the historical racial and sexual “drama”.

So, I have a few questions for everyone:

  1. Do we stress the racial aspect in our interracial relationships too much?
  2. Are we working the topic of race to the point of fracture?
  3. Is our flirting ability impaired? Would it make a big difference getting it fixed?
  4. Are we the ones bringing racial tension(s) to our interactions with non-black men?
  5. Are we letting outside forces create this tension? You know, taking control of your love life where they have no business being involved.
  6. What would it take to alleviate those sexual and racial tensions? (Aside from great sex.) 😀

And everyone is free to add their own thoughts….

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Black Women: Why is the Wall Street Journal, and the media, still talking about our marriage prospects?

I liked this comment by Daphne so much, I made it a separate post. Check out the following.

Regarding the WSJ* article making the rounds:

I found it bizarre that this was in the The Wall Street Journal*, just like I thought it was bizarre there was a similar article about black women in The Economist** several months (maybe a year?) ago. To me, it reeks of “let us observe these strange creatures known as black women,” similar to zoo animals.

Plus, the author’s subtext is disturbing: more black women should marry out, to potentially improve the rates of black marriage. To me, marriage is a non-sequitur in this context, particularly given that some serious cultural issues aren’t magically repaired by marriage (i.e. ability and desire to provide, being an effective father, knowing HOW to maintain a relationship). I mean, I’d hate for a black woman to have her black man propose primarily because he’s afraid of her being taken off the market rather than….wait for it, actually wanting to be married and prepared for that stage. Not to mention how unfair it is for a non-black man to be a consolation prize because a black man isn’t available or willing to marry. But hey….as long as they’re married, I guess.

I get the supply/demand, economics side of it: more black women date out, fewer are available to black men, black men step up their game. Which is fine, for future generations, I suppose. But for the women NOW who want the best partner for them, it’s entirely possible that even willing black men aren’t the best partners because of the aforementioned cultural issues.

I also give the side-eye to any author who misuses statistics, which the WSJ author did in a major way. That 70% of unmarried black women? Includes widows and the divorced. It is also includes age 15 and up. You would think a law professor would either dig a little deeper with the stats or be more more precise in using them.

Now, I’m not denying cultural differences between whites and blacks with the marriage rate. But it’s certainly convenient for these article to throw out that 70%, as if nobody wants da po’ black woman. Not to mention using the quotes of THREE black women as representative of the majority. And when you correct for college education, the marriage disparity between black and white women is significantly smaller.

Thank you for the contribution and sparking this post, Daphne. 🙂

GoldenAh:

That article does have an air of “What can we do about these black women no one wants?”, right? 😀

As far back as the 1990s, perhaps even earlier, the NY Times periodically ran articles about the large number of college educated unmarried black women without children along with the high rate of out-of-wedlock births of single black women.

The angle changes somewhat, but it still has the familiar reek of: Black women’s relationships are a problem for society. Although I suspect they really mean, Black women’s existence is a problem for society.

But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Breaking It Down

You did a terrific job of nailing what’s wrong with the WSJ article. It’s not doing us any favors, but it wasn’t meant to anyway. This article insults a number of people, but the main recipients are black women and white men.

Imagine if there was a shortage of marriageable partners for white men, and black women were offered up as the last choice, second rate hope for them, because it would improve their group’s prospects with other, or the same race of, women? Even though they purportedly have a white woman shortage.

Say, what kind of logic is that?

  1. Logic that reinforces a negative image of black women. So, no surprise a black man wrote that article for a major newspaper that reaches around the world. Anything for a couple of dollars to denigrate black women is not a hard task for some black men. Regardless of how well meaning he thinks is.
  2. The logic is to continue presenting black women as racially, socially and bizarrely backward thinking: we’re worried about our HAIR, the complexions of our children, and our inability to be comfortable with non-black men. Oh, what superficial, silly, non-normal, non-female creatures we are. We are still “othering” ourselves. Those selected black women presents an image of people living in a self-imposed prison who lack any sense to free themselves of it.
  3. The logic used is a sneaky backhanded method of blaming black women for the lower rate of black marriage compared to other racial groups. The author cannot directly say that black women must do the asking, since to a mainstream audience it would be outside the norm and viewed as ridiculous. Instead, he indirectly makes the case for marrying non-black men, again like we could make them marry us somehow, to prompt black men into asking.

The key ingredient missing from the entire WSJ article is, What makes a black woman happy? What would make her feel good? What are the ways to approach her if she appears socially remote? Examples of their femininity, their normalcy, or exotic allure, would be enticing to the non-black  men reading the WSJ to look at black women positively. It would peal away at least one thin layer of separation between black women and non-black men.

However, making black women attractive, approachable and normal was not the intention of the article.

As you’ve noted, Daphne, the actual  purpose is: How do we eventually get black men to do X, Y, and Z? Because it always has to be about them, beginning, middle and ending. People need to let that go and forget about closing the barn door.  The horse that ran out is now a great-great-grand mare to her offspring. Black men cannot be cajoled, conned or bribed into marrying black women, especially when they have no desire or interest to do so.

Black women have to be happy on their own terms.  I’d respect the mainstream media if there were more articles pertaining to black women, without the insincere hand-wringing, making their own decision to integrate intimately with non-black men: by working with, making friends with, dating and marrying them. And solely for their own benefit.

 


 

* The Wall Street Journal – An Interracial Fix for Black Marriage

** The Economist Article – Print Edition – Sex and the single black woman

** The Economist Article – Blog – The unintended consequences of mass incarceration

 

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Black Woman: Would You Marry a Blue Collar White Man?

The Question

Asked of me by C.B.:

If you are educated, would you or have you married a blue collar wm? Many folks are quick to suggest bw take or accept a lower level bm on the academic and economic label. Why is this a problem if a bw marries a wm on a lower scale. (I do know a lady who married a produce manager wm, and she is a phd level. They just had a second baby.)

The Answer

The following is from my personal perspective. It is not intended as follow-what-I’m-doing advice (which is never my intention on this blog), but it’s an example of how I think. Your own dating and marrying philosophy may differ. 🙂

Education

About me: I like to joke that I am over-educated. It doesn’t mean I know everything, but I am excessively curious about a lot of things, and I always need to know more. Since I was eight, I loved reading encyclopedias and dictionaries. Today, I enjoy scanning the internet(s) for obscure information.

I used to want to be a fireman, police officer, and an artist. Then I wanted to be an astronaut, research scientist of weird diseases, writer, and a lawyer. My interests continued to change, but my desire for information and knowledge did not.

I graduated from high school, wishing I left a few years early, then proceeded to obtain an Associate’s Degree, Bachelor’s Degree and finally a Master’s Degree. It took a lot of years of hustling to achieve these diplomas. I often worked while attending school, and for the advanced degree, my employer(s) paid for the education.

Do the diplomas make me happy? They were not attained for personal happiness. The purpose of my education is for personal self-fulfillment and is a necessary tool, among others, in working as a “professional” in a white collar corporate environment or pursuing self-employment. For the time being, I am done with obtaining another degree, but I will go  for additional certifications and a license or two.

Blue Collar vs White Collar Men

Not all men favor extensive schooling, and they are able to work at not just good, but great blue collar jobs, without a need for a high school diploma or college education. They even make more than anyone in a white collar profession would earn in their lifetime.

I’ve known a variety of men. My Mom likes to tell people I date the United Nations. Some of the men didn’t finish college. Some of them were self-taught in order to work in their office profession.

The odds are always low that I would encounter an available blue collar white man, based on my social circles, work environment and personal interests. In addition to that, based on observation, blue collar men marry earlier than white collar men. They start working right after, or even during, high school right into a stable well paying position, with excellent long term benefits. Whereas the potential white collar worker will spend the next 4-8 plus years studying and putting his life on hold.

Final Answer

I don’t believe I would ever find myself marrying a blue collar white man, because I don’t think we would be a good fit. It is not easy to meet men who like women with a college education or advanced degrees. I don’t care what his race is. I don’t volunteer my educational background unless asked, but once they find out they’ll lose that “loving feeling”.

On the flip side, I will be real here: it is not easy talking or relating to a man with definitive educational gaps. Now, I know everyone who loves exceptions will offer up a spate of their genius IQ high school or college dropout friends*, but I’m talking about what I’ve met on average in the general course of life.

I don’t play Jeopardy with every man I meet, but for fun I’ll look for some indication that this guy keeps himself informed or has an intense interest in anything beyond his nose. Usually, I find that he’s satisfied with his lot in life. Good for him. He will not even have the slightest desire to know more, travel, explore or fulfill some lifelong aspirational ambition. Nope. He’s happy as a pig in s&!t (although, in fact, pigs put their stuff in one corner and do not wallow in it).

But hey, who am I to decide he needs more? So, where he sees bliss, I see stagnation. And I’m happy for the guy, but I realize that we wouldn’t last long as a couple.

My philosophy is this: if I like learning, studying, schooling, travel, and seeking opportunities to explore, why would I expect to get along with a man who doesn’t? I’m old enough to know that I cannot.

 


 

* For example, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Michael Dell and men like these don’t count in this relationship equation. Steve returned to college to continue learning, but focusing only on classes that served his interests. Gates and Dell left college a number of credits shy of their degrees.

The difference with these men is that they are ambitious, eternally curious and they never stopped learning….

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Black Women – Devil’s Advocate: You Gotta Chase a White Man

It’s September, and it’s Devil’s Advocate* month. Let’s have some fun, shall we? :D

You’ve been dateless, man-free, and frustratingly single this entire summer, month, year, decade, or century.

All these BWE / BW-IR blogs are starting to work your last nerve. Why?

You are getting so effing tired of hearing all these damn rules of what YOU gotta do to get you some swirl action.

You are getting so tired of these relentlessly cheerful, unnaturally happy, skinny ass, absolutely perfect, nauseatingly special black women who find it sooooo dayumn easy to get hold of a (white) man. It’s like some of these chicks rolled out of bed, opened the front door, and there stood Mr. Prince Charming with a dozen red roses in one hand and a 14kt diamond engagement ring in the other. It’s gotta be maddening to find out that he looks like Bradley Cooper or Jonathan Rhys Meyers with Ryan Reynolds’s deliciously hot body.

It’s been a long, long, dry (really dry and you’re thirsty ’bout now), hot summer, and you didn’t get yours.

The “solutions” that keep coming are fast and furious, yet they’re not only contradictory, they seem annoyingly unrealistic and unreachable. You wanna hear some “keepin’ it real” advice from one black woman to another. Not stuff you could easily read in any white woman’s magazine or The Rules book.

Everywhere you go – you keep asking the same question: Where are all these wonderful white men these chicks keep finding? ‘Cause no one’s really looked your way since your hairdresser “accidentally” dyed your hair baboon-ass red, and promised the color would fade in a week.

As the Devil’s Advocate, I’m here to confirm your worst fears: finding a man will be hardest task you’ve ever undertaken. The truth of the matter is: these white guys really aren’t checking for YOU. Of course, it’s easy for all these other ladies. But for you? Pshaw. You will have to roll up your sleeves and get to work.

I know the excuses. So let’s throw them under the bus:

  • you’re not heading to Europe for a man.
  • you have no intention of traveling for luv.
  • you’re not losing 10-50+ plus pounds just to get a man. they gotta love you as you are.
  • you’re not joining any clubs that are dominated by men.
  • you’re uniquely quirky (weird) with a strange sense of humor. guys don’t dig you.
  • you don’t want to hear any mess about your hair. ever again.
  • you ain’t planning on grinning and skinning all day for no man. he’s gotta understand you have moods.
  • you’re not buying any new clothes. funk that. you love lumberjack flannel shirts.
  • you know the truth that no one else will ever admit: most, if not all, white men just don’t like black women!!!!

Sorry. You’re gonna have to make changes, but let’s ease into it.

Let me roll out some things here that you might want to think about, but don’t over think about.

  • How often and how long do you make eye contact with an attractive (in your eyes) man? Long, short, blink and gone?
  • Do you smile and say hello first? If he doesn’t respond, do you think you weren’t loud enough or that the dude probably hates black women and you swear you’ll never to do it again?
  • Do you believe men know what you’re thinking?
  • Do you assume you know what men are thinking when they look at you? Are your thoughts negative, neutral, or positive?
  • Are you able to have a conversation without uttering one negative word or thought? That one might not be easy.
  • How’s your body language? Closed or open? Arms folded a lot? Do you lean towards the person or away?
  • Do you shy away or hide from men? It’s possible you’re doing it subconsciously.
  • Ever went to a party / gathering and decided to touch every guy when crossing the room? You know, just a light caress down the arm. If you’re feeling bold, turn your head, smile, and look ‘em up and down… Practice makes perfect.
  • Online dating is hit and miss: stop joining sites where 98.23% of the white guys will date anybody, even other men, but a black woman. Seek out the interracial sites, the men are half-way there and willing. That makes sense, right?
  • Relax. Relax. Relax. Flirt. Flirt. Flirt.
  • Get in the habit of making friends with white men. Friends. Friends. Friends. With no benefits. Keep it platonic.

I have more bad news for you.

There is no magical interracial swirl fairy. You’re gonna have to get a man the old-fashioned way: chase him down and collar him. To chase a man means being coy, witty, friendly, feminine, and slightly seductive. That takes practice.

Have fun.

*According to Wikipedia, Devil’s Advocate is:

In common parlance, a devil’s advocate is someone who, given a certain argument, takes a position he or she does not necessarily agree with, just for the sake of argument. In taking such position, the individual taking on the devil’s advocate role seeks to engage others in an argumentative discussion process. The purpose of such process is typically to test the quality of the original argument and identify weaknesses in its structure, and to use such information to either improve or abandon the original, opposing position.
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For Black Women: Please Have Sex With White Men

That got your attention, didn’t it?

Apparently, my old, old post Why White Men are a Better Choice was interpreted (by the mentally handicapped and functionally illiterate) as a heartfelt plea for black women everywhere to sex it up with all the nearest and available white men.

It seems that I’ve been successful at convincing “quality good black women” to go find themselves a white man and ignore all the “good black men” a.k.a. purple unicorns out there. I had no idea I had so much power.

Will everyone please help make me a multimillionaire?

I never mentioned sex. I mentioned marriage. Quite delightfully, black women who are married to or dating white men provided the most lovely, heartfelt and wonderful testimonies and feedback. Nearly all of them wanted or had a husband, nearly each and every one of them was reasonably happy with a man, who happened to be white, who treated them with respect, love, devotion, and protection (emotional and financial).

As far I’m concerned, a happy black woman is a wonderful thing. Interesting how people who worry about black women having sex with white men, never concern themselves with her happiness. Well, it’s because they don’t care about black women in the first place, but we already know that.

You’ve Heard This Propaganda Before

I’ll briefly go over the reasons people are against black women / white men unions. Tell me if it all doesn’t sound familiar.

In the following paragraphs, the “he” I’m referring to is a white man.

  1. He (the white man) just wants sex. Ans. So? Men like sex.  So do a healthy number of women. I’d be disturbed if a guy was with me and didn’t want sex. I don’t mean jump in the sack immediately, but if he never showed any attraction, I’d be like: What’s up with that?
  2. He’ll use you and leave you. Ans. Black women are having more children out of wedlock with the “brothas” than those married to purple unicorns.
    • LeBron James recently referred to his baby mama as a “sidekick”. Isn’t he supposed to be a purple unicorn? He’s leaving the sidekick and spawn behind while he seeks out lighter and brighter pastures in Miami. Anyone want to put money on a bet that his next chick will be Latina or white and he’ll want to marry her?
  3. White men raped our great-great-(number of greats may vary) grandmothers. Ans. I wont trivialize slavery or Jim Crow or any era people suffered through. However, I’m not a slave, and I’m not living in the past.
    • Today’s white man isn’t the one raping and abusing black women in record numbers (see Dunbar Village and other atrocities). Plus, with the number of black men chasing down, co-habitating, and marrying white women, it is apparent the “brothas” have forgiven white women for getting black men lynched back in those days.
    • Black men have no problem treating white women like queens, giving them all of his money, and by extension white men. I’ve always noticed that if a negro makes a lot of money, the first thing he’ll do is find a white woman to give it to.
    • So what’s wrong with a black woman being with a white man who will marry her, stay around to raise the kids, provide financial support, and all that good stuff?
  4. His johnson is pink. Ans. Don’t underestimate the power of pink. Your stuff is pink too. (TMI coming: the color of his johnson may vary anyway.)
  5. His johnson isn’t big. Ans. How would you know the actual johnson size of 100 plus million men? Yes, that’s right there are over 100 million white men in America. Do all the black men who keep telling you this: have they peeked at all of them? Do all the black women who claim this: have they slept with all of them? And why are they obsessed with that?
  6. He can’t satisfy a black woman. Ans. At least he’s willing to use his tongue. For hours. Nuff said.
  7. It hurts black men to see black women with white men. Ans. Do any of those negroes out there who talk about how perfectly beautiful or hot the Kardashians, or any white women they are with, worry about any black women’s feelings? Don’t you get tired of hearing: “Black women are this and that – that’s why I only date white women”?
    • Whether the black male is a family relation, friend, or a stranger you call a “brotha” who you date, sex, mate, and marry is really NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. Their overinflated, easily bruised, excessively touchy, delicate and fragile egos are not worth the PRICE OF YOUR HAPPINESS. Frankly, if these negroes aren’t taking care of you and yours they need to GET LOST with a quickness.
    • Their opinions aren’t worth a bucket of warm spit, and mine isn’t either. I’m certainly not here to tell you what to do.
  8. White men don’t find black women attractive, or they will not make you a wife. Ans. Does the number who are attracted really matter? You only need one good man.
    • White men / black women have the lowest rates of divorce, even over white men with white women, and especially black men married to anybody even black women. Your own personal mileage will vary.
    • At least with white men you can statistically find one that will actually like your hair, your complexion, your beautiful skin, your loving spirited personality, and just be into you, because you are an AWESOME BLACK WOMAN.
  9. Your children will grow up confused. Ans. This last one is my hypothesis: folks just don’t want to see the children of black women by white men receive the kind of privileges some white children have. If all black kids are in dire straights together people are comforted by that. However, if the exception turns out to be these children….
  10. Good black men exist! Ya’ll just want thugs. Ans. I never said disregard purple unicorns. If a black woman, or anybody, can find those extra 2 million plus purple unicorns that black women need for companionship, then wonderful!!! You’ve achieved a major miracle.

Now, that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I’ll repeat the header: Please have sex with white men.

***
Update: I’m always thrilled to get input by men. Frank M. just knocks it out of the park!

Betty.  I decided to write my own answers for their arguments.  Feel free to use or just read if you’re interested.

1.    He (the white man) just wants sex. Ans.  Companionship, friendship, and emotional support during good times and bad are just as important in any relationship.  BW, in my experience, are fiercely loyal and supportive to those they love, so choosing to date a BW is NOT just about sex.  How can BM use this argument with a straight face with all the fatherless kids running around the BC anyway?  If anyone has PROVEN (through their actions) and promoted (through their music) that they just want sex, it’s BM.

2.    White men raped our great-great-(number of greats may vary) grandmothers. Ans. What is more of a danger to a BW today?  A man who has been dead for a hundreds of years??  Or the group of men harassing her on the street today?  BM don’t rape?  African countries are dealing with rape at epidemic proportions.  And that is in within THIS decade.  Rape within the black community in America is swept under the rug, but we all know it exists.  I would argue that within the last 100 years, rape of BW is done by BM, not WM.

3.    His johnson is pink. Ans. Actually it’s light brown, but thanks for being interested. LOL

GoldenAh: I fell out of my chair at this one. 😀

4.    His johnson isn’t big. Ans.  Judging by the compliments I’ve received from bw in bed, it’s big ENOUGH.  LOL.  All jokes aside, part of the reason BM are in the position they are in is because they judge too much of their masculinity and pride on something that doesn’t define a man.  Being a man is about a lot more than your physical body.  Choosing to identify all of your self-worth on one body part you had no control over is idiotic.  This myth came from racists attempting to scare WW out of fornicating with blacks due to potential injury.

As humorous as that sounds, BM took this racist myth and made it a source of pride.   They did the same thing with the “N” word.  Neither of those reversals of racist ideas has benefited BM or black people in general.  It’s time to let go of both of these.  Most of us (non-BM) aren’t buying it anymore either.  We’ve seen too many examples of BM who aren’t packing and it only gives all the average-sized BM an unnecessary inferiority complex that leads them to try and “prove” their manhood by acting like hyper-sexual, aggressive, violent homophobes or the super black militant crazies who secretly date WW.  LOL Ok that last part was my personal theory.

5.    He can’t satisfy a black woman. Ans.  (Rolls eyes)  Why?  Are they are different species?  Didn’t seem all that difficult to me.  If they keep coming back for more, maybe I’m doing something right?  I’ve met tall, thick, big-hipped women with smaller “canals” so the idea that they can’t be satisfied due to body type is ridiculous.

GoldenAh: Men can be so frank. 😀

6.    It hurts black men to see black women with white men. Ans. Whose issue is that?  Hers?  Or yours.  Get over it.  Seeing WW with BM makes me feel nothing.  She doesn’t belong to me, and I don’t possess her just because we happen to have a similar skin tone.  Once again, get over it.  Stop living in the past, plz. Thx.

7.    White men don’t find black women attractive, or they will not make you a wife. Ans. I am a heterosexual man, therefore, I am attracted to WOMEN, of any race.  I can’t help it, it’s in my biology.  Neither can women.  If anyone to say they are not attracted to an entire ethnicity, they are LYING .  As for making a BW a wife?  Hundreds of thousands of WM have and it is the fastest growing IR union in the USA. Theory over?

8.    Your children will grow up confused. Ans. Children are individuals, and they can only be confused if they allow themselves to be confused by listening to negative/divisive opinions about who they are or should be.  Think Obama is “confused”?  Seems like a pretty well-adjusted evolved human to me.  “Pure-raced” young people feel confused all the time so that theory holds no water for me.

9.     Good black men exist! Ya’ll just want thugs. Ans. Wrong.  Women want confident, secure individuals with strength.  If thugs are the only BM’s projecting these qualities, then those of you weaker (Beta) BM might need to work on your self-confidence and attraction skills.

Also, in the white community, the alpha males are the most successful, not the least.  You won’t see them them hanging out on street corners looking “fly” or languishing in prison. And for the BM who are doing legitimately well, they seem to choose the lightest, brightest BW or non-BW who will have them.  This doesn’t leave a lot of attractive BM’s for BW to choose from.

What are they supposed to do?  Or that’s right, wait for you to come along, so you can string them along until you are done using them for your own personal desires. LOL I think BW are finally wising up to that game.

GoldenAh: As we can see here, even by casual observation a white man can see the game being played on black women. Wooo.

Awesome feedback, Frank M. Thanks.

😀

***

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For Black Women: When Your Choices Make Other People Or Your “Friends” Mad

The following comment, and question, was sent to me by the intelligent and lovely Chocolatestar:

I wanted to send you this video and get your thoughts on this. I’m not sure if it’s just me and my strong opinionated personality, but i’m quite tired of black women bashing other black women, who call black men out on their self destructing behavior and hatred for their women.

Is it a crime to not be attracted to their characteristics( emotionally damaged, etc) or even want to take risks on black men, especially after observing the resulting trends.

I’m so tired of hearing how there are so many good black men out here, if i was interested in them I would be saying where they at, where they at. It’s funny who this chick ended up with after all.

I just recently ended a friendship with a bw, who was a christian extremist.

I sent her your essay on “Why white men are better” and she flipped her lid, saying that she has a black son and will never sabotage black men, because she love them so much and will only date a black man (yet the best man she ever had, her words, was a guy who was a drug dealer her babies daddy and eventually got shot down) and anyone blogging and reading essays bashing black men needs help.

Yet many have ran her through the dirt She went too far excusing their trending behavior with bible versus and the antebellum era. I tired to tell her that the essay to me was a clever way of counterbalancing the attacks bestowed upon black women who prefer white men over the ” kings” of the world bm ( yeah right).

Anyway I probably could rant more, but I have a test in the morning.

“Resurrection” – The Lost Black Man

I left out the video link. There are dozens, if not more, videos made by “strong”, “angry”, and “resentful” ultra-black wo/men demanding black women regard all black males with adoration, worship, reverence, and extreme diffidence. To place the value of any man before God tells you well enough that some people are a few fries short of a $1 happy meal.

There are people who believe black women compete (in any arena) with black men. It’s an amazing fallacy that has little merit in the real, mainstream, global, and international patriarchal world. Black women mostly struggle with financial sacrificing, relationship sustaining, parenting, and “saving the black community” alone. That’s not a strong functioning matriarchal system, that’s living with male abandonment.

Black men are in competition with other men
. All men are. It’s a man’s world. That’s never changed, and never will. The fact is black men lost – roughly 500 years ago. It’s likely they’re never going to catch up. At least, not for the next 100 years.

Black women cannot win it for them, no matter how hard they try to “man up” and do it. Which is why there are black women on YouTube, blogs, writing books, making hostile comments, and singing songs trying to “resurrect” black males back into the game. It wont work by encouraging an orgasmic savoring of masochism, sexism, and racism amongst black women, or false idol worship of black men. Her loss is not a black male’s gain.

But hey, good luck with that strategy folks. We can see from the last 30 plus years how well that’s worked out.

Friend of My Friend, Friend of My Enemy

I’d advise you not to argue with your friends, non-friends, and strangers about the men you may choose as a partner in life. No one actually has a say in the matter. What they think is irrelevant. If we go to them about these issues, it’s like we are looking for their acceptance. And we really cannot have that, can we? Do we go to the poor on how to become rich?

I’d also suggest you let your friends be if they are the ride-or-die, or black men only, type. We’d all like to be on the same page with our friends, but sometimes it’s better to let sleeping dogs lie. However, since this person is vehemently against non-black men to the point of belligerent, irrational racism, and it will cause you personal pain (and don’t we always run into people like that?), then yeah, you are right to cut them loose.

As for the video, you may be surprised, but my feeling about the criticism of black women like us from militant black wo/men is: C’est la vie. Shrug. I don’t care. Sure, sometimes I’d like to smack some sense into them. Yet, if the Titanic is sinking, and they don’t care: What’s there for us to worry about? Our goal is to make sure we are not on the ship with them.

To a degree we love (most) of our people(s). We’d love to see all of them behave rationally, intelligently, do well, and be happy. But at the end of the day – we all gotta choose our own paths. We have to worry about our own happiness first and foremost.

So I ask you, ignore the hate, don’t seek these forums / idiotic people out. It’ll make you miserable.

You sound like you have your life together, so keep on pressing on. ‘Cause when you listen to these morons, whether you think it affects you or not, you may end up sabotaging yourself in the future.

The subconscious is one hell of a thing to get a handle on.

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For Black Women: When White Men Are Buddies With a “Brotha”

When a white man is buddies with a “brotha”, I know I don’t want him. The white guy doesn’t have to “hate” black men, but if he’s one of those white guys who feels like he needs to have street cred, or likes to call black men “brothas”, then I don’t wanna see ya. I want a guy who is “white.” He must be all the whiteness he can be: Abercrombie and Fitch, Brooks Brothers type of man, yo.

So if a white man is getting even within firing range of the toxic zone misogynistic mentality of some of these black male cretins, that tells me his mind is getting polluted with vicious anti-bw propaganda. And I’ve met my share who wanna be down with the homies.

Oh, hell no. Go away.

Why?

Well, looky-looky here. I want to bring your attention to this comment by Paul G. all excerpted from Clutch online. His comment is part of the article: The View From the Other Room: What White Men Think About Dating Black Women.

By the way, I rarely read their comments section, it’s always the same eight people.

Here’s what Paul G. said about black women (the brackets are my comments):

It’s not the media that scares me away from not wanting to date a black women, it’s black men that make me think differently.

[GoldenAh: Are you really this simpleminded?]

I say that to say this, and I’m only giving you my observation… I see a lot of black men running around with a white girl on their arm, which is fine, but when I’ve sat down with brothers and asked them why they don’t like dating black women, they always have something negative to say about you guys, whether it be your attitude, your jealousy, or the thought that you guys want to play the man of the house. I don’t need to watch to TV to see what I can see when I walk down the block. But I don’t have to buy into that either, which I don’t, but I am aware of what’s being said about yall by your own men.

[GoldenAh: They are not my men, or our men. And that, dear Sir, is the problem right there.]

It’s a shame to see that. – Paul G.

I don’t know the man. I’ve skimmed over the comments of all of the white guys whose comments make up part of the article. But this guy’s words hung around like an eye stinging fart in an elevator.

It just reads like, “Who you goin’ to believe? Me or your lying eyes?” (Richard Pryor).

Remember that song, “Don’t ask my neighbor, come to me”? Well, my advice is, if you want to know about black women: come talk to us. The “brothas” hate their own mothers and sisters, that should tell you everything what’s wrong with them.

A guy like Paul G. can continue to stay far far away from black women, because he values the words of anti-bw misogynists over valuing us as just women. The guy is a coward, plain and simple. He, too, is a sexist racist. That’s my take. He can dress it up in blaming how “da brothas” around him talk their crap, or whatever negativity he’s looking for in the media, but at the end of the day: he is taking heed.

If you wanted to know the kind of white guys to stay away from, Paul G. fits the profile.

I ain’t mad at the dude, he’s made me realize how poisonous and evil these negroes are.

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For Black Women: White Men Hunting – Lesson Number 92

Sometimes the comments are so good, they get their own posts.

In this one, White Men Hunting – Lesson Number 92, you will have the answers to oft-repeated questions, such as:

  • Where are the white men?
  • How do I find one?
  • How do I get one to ask me out?
  • I don’t look like Beyonce or Halle, will they like me?
  • Am I too old at age (fill in the blank)?

Starting with the excellent comment by Anna (middle name). She addresses the age-old issue of: Now, how are white men supposed to know you like them if you never hang around them?

Anna (middle name) says:

If you want to be in the swirl, there is one way to make that happen that is only obvious after someone connects the dots for you. That’s how it happened for me, too.

What is it, you ask?

Just hang out with white guys. Even if none of those guys that you’re hanging with ask you out, other WM will see you with them, figure that you actually must like white guys and be comfortable around them, approach you, and ask you out. It works like a charm.

I know. I am 26, and in the roughly 18 months I’ve been hanging out with these three white guys I know, I’ve been asked out by three different white guys, guys that are friends of my friends. And one of those guys I went out with is now my steady boo.

I’m not Beyonce and I’m not Paula Patton or Eve, either. I am not beautiful, I’m average looking. I’m thin (white guys like that), but other than that, I look like a lot of other black chicks. I’m just average.

I hear BW that want to meet white men say they want to meet white guys, but they can’t, but then, they’re never around any white people, so I don’t know they’re expecting to meet white guys that way. If all you’re around is black people, then all you’re going to meet is more black people, ladies.

Make friends with some white men, even if those guys are not guys you would want to date. Be seen with those white guys by other white guys, some of which you will want to date. This simple formula eluded me for a long time. It’s blindingly obvious once it’s obvious, right?

Put yourself in front of WM that are dating material by socializing with other white men. This really, really works. And, it also helps you get to know white guys a lot better so that when the “dating material” guy shows up, you are ready to communicate (wink) with him. You’ve already had your tutorial on white men, you’re ready to go.

And before any of you grow shy and dismiss your own chances, read the following two comments of encouragement.

The next is by the lovely sistahwuman with a wonderful relationship. (And I still want her man.)

sistahwuman says:

It’s been my experience that you just never know with WM in terms of which one will be open to dating a BW. I have always solved this problem by being open to any quality man, even if I thought the chances of him wanting to date IR were probably low. My current situation is a great example.

As I mentioned before, my boyfriend looks to be just about the whitest guy in the world. Nothing unusual about him, he dresses conservatively, he speaks like he came out of prep school, which he did, and he’s tall and good-looking, but in a low-key sort of way. And if you knew him, you would know that he drinks scotch straight up, smokes cigars, watches football, etc. Typical guy stuff, especially typical white guy stuff, but throw in the fact that he’s a handsome guy and doesn’t lack for offers of female company, also makes a good living at a stodgy old firm, and as a BW, you might say that your chances with such a guy are probably not great. He’s just too white! Am I right?

But, I made sure he knew I was interested in him. You can’t win if you don’t play, right, ladies? And much to my surprise, he responded to that interest immediately.

Here is something else: that calm exterior hides a hot, passionate nature underneath. Wow!

So, you just never know. My advice to all those BW considering an IR is to try not to knock anyone out of contention based on your initial perception of them. Obviously, some men will eliminate themselves immediately by saying or doing something stupid or disrespectful, but that happens across all races. No, I’m talking about the kind of guys that play it close to the vest, the ones that are laying back until they get a signal from you that it’s ok to approach you. All these other sisters know what I’m talking about, I’m sure. Most WM of any kind of substance are going to be cautious in their approach. So, all I’m saying is, your initial impression of his level of his real or potential interest in you may not be accurate – my man says he noticed me immediately and was quite attracted to me, but did nothing to alert me to that until he got the go-ahead from me in conversation.

Just sayin’.

You don’t have to be perfect to find the perfect situation.

Last, but not least, the wise words of magicwoman. You can never be too old. It’s never too late to start looking.

magicwoman says:

First of all, I am 44.

Second, in the interests of keeping it as real as possible here, I want to list all the cons that any honest BW would say I bring to the table in terms of a possible IR relationship:

I am 44.

I am a dark sister.

I am tall, 5′10″.

I wear my hair short and natural.

My financial situation is shaky and always has been.

I have a very large, surly black teenage son who resents any man that is around his mother.

I am smart, but I got an awful education. Sometimes it’s tough for me to participate in certain conversations because I just don’t know enough about the subject.

I have a large, goofy dog that flings himself at everyone he likes even a little bit.

Here are the pros:

I still have a great body, thank god. I am slim, but curvy. I hit the gym hard.

I have a wonderful smile, with dazzling white teeth.

I still have a pretty face.

I’m a nice person and people seem to be able to sense that.

I’m smart, even if not well-educated.

I like the same music most WM my age like – more important than you think.

I’m not a complainer or a whiner – WM love this.

I take of my man in every way possible, from the little things to the big things. What BM just expect, WM are always just surprised to get. My guy says he’s never felt so looked after in his whole life.

I have a big goofy dog that most WM like when the dog is not trying to lick them to death.

All I’m saying here is that whatever pros and cons come with you, as long as it’s an even contest (or maybe one or two more things in the pro column), you can find someone. You’re almost 40? So what!

You don’t think there is a white guy that is 40 years old that would like to meet, and then date, a wonderful, attractive sister? I can assure you, there are plenty.

Look at the drawbacks I’m working with here! Just my age and the fact that I have a large, unhappy-looking black teenage son in the house should be enough to send most white guys running for the hills.

But I found someone, someone I love very much and someone who loves me very much. He’s a huge white guy, a gentle giant that has a heart of gold. And, btw, the kid is starting to come around to him.

He’s told me that he wishes he had met me in his twenties because he’s never been so happy, and I feel the same exact way, but sometimes happiness doesn’t run on the schedule you prefer.

Sorry this has rambled on so long, but I guess my message to PhillyGirl is, whatever list of pluses and minuses you have for yourself, don’t write off your chances of finding love (and marriage, if you want it) with a WM. It can happen.

I couldn’t have said it better. {Virtual hugs for everyone!}

Happy white man hunting, ladies! Make me proud.

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