Black Women: Look Out for Number One
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Black Women, please put yourself first.I think it's great that there are many resources (online, library, books, tapes, etc.) available for the betterment of black women. However, I always have a beef with those that clamor for black women to make changes. These proposals often ask: what can a black woman do to benefit others, but not what the black woman can do for herself.
I make no bones about looking out for myself.Like a passenger on a plane, black women must put the oxygen mask on herself first. You cannot help others if you aren't breathing. You cannot help others if your financial house is not in order. You cannot help others if your priorities are messed up. You cannot fix others, if you are still broken.
I have a fantastic family. I love the way I was brought up. No one in my family, especially my Mother and Father ever made me think my well being had to be sacrificed to please anyone.
You get my drift? My
stuff belonged to me. My well being came first - as well as my siblings. I wasn't raised to be second to anyone.
So I'm often perplexed when I read, see, or know of black women who feel guilty if they aren't throwing themselves under the bus for people. I realize that they might not even be aware of it. But no woman should be a sacrificial lamb.
Be a sistah to yourself first. Learn to be selfish. It's a good thing. Be loyal to yourself. So next time someone says, "You're so selfish." Reply with, "Yes, I am, that's why I'm living well."
Give vanity a try! Looking great makes you feel great! It's good for your overall emotional and physical health!
Guilt
is a wasteful emotion. Don't
ever let anyone use this on you.
Giving your time
is just as precious as
giving your life. Don't be so caviler about it.
Get into the habit of saying, "No." Don't hem and haw.
If people want you to
ride or die for them, let them
ride or die for you first.
Agreeing with someone doesn't make you a follower, doormat, or groupie. Disagreeing with someone doesn't (or shouldn't) make you an enemy, even if you enjoy playing Devil's Advocate. Intelligent people appreciate well thought-out criticism.
Don't feel obligated to anyone. They could be using you. You know the deal: they do you one favor and the next thing you know, you are repaying that one favor over a lifetime.
People are clumsy at self-expression, not everyone is glib and verbally gifted. Cut the inarticulate, and possibly the ignorant, some slack. Not everyone is aiming for your jugular.
Last, but not least, you are not a bank, a charity, or a non-profit organization. Don't be afraid to
ask for your money. Don't be afraid to
charge for your time and effort.
Don't get in the habit of purchasing affection. Life gets rough when you run out of money.
Not everybody is going to like you, but they should, at least,
respect you. Labels: black woman, black women, family, happiness, peace, peace of mind, priorities
posted by GoldenAh
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Self-Worth: That Voice in Your Head
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Do you have an inner or outer critic that
won't shut up?
Does the inner critic sound familiar, like a mother, father or other relative that wouldn't let up on how
terrible they want
you to
think you are?
I used to wonder how people ended up not speaking to their relatives for years even decades. It is easy to give up on these complicated relationships. I am always conflicted, because with the good comes the bad, but sometimes cutting the cord is a
necessary evil.
It doesn't have to be a total elimination of these people from your life, but some relatives are, well,
toxic. Like a frog in slowly warming water, one's self-worth and self-esteem will erode under a constantly rising temperature of methodical, mendacious criticism.
I am open to different opinions. I am open to words of advice. Yet, there is a point when that family member has to
STFU.
It is a crude point to make, yet
insanity is the act of doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result.
As for me, I can't take it anymore. I have had enough. Constant second guessing of myself, constant criticism of even the smallest deeds, the relentless assertion of not "being a nice person" - I can't take it anymore.
I have had enough. It is life long, long term child / adult abuse. It is a sneaky, shadowy form, but the message is always clear:
there's something wrong with you, you are not a good person. When I constantly get this message, I begin to wonder: how am I supposed to change? What can I do to be a better person? Am I really a bad person? Am I mean? How come I am not nice? How come no one likes me? Is that why so-and-so doesn't like me? And so on...
Yet, to make sure that my reality isn't skewed I check with people I know. I ask, am I that bad? The responses I receive are: you are a nice person, you are good, you are kind, you are sweet, you are compassionate.
That's when it occurs to me as to why I get mad. I know it's not my imagination. I know when I've heard nasty little comments, little digs, malicious insults,
negative pessimistic stories that just happen to match my personal situations, and the constant attempt to chip away at my self-worth and self-esteem.
I understand that it's not the real deal type of abuse, but do I even need to hear it? This kind of language is programming. Programming which leaves me to second guess myself too often, to leave me preoccupied with things that - while they matter - take up too much effort and energy. I am forced to act under a
false doctrine:
I am not worthy. I get
angry, because I don't want the
inner critic to take over and
make me live a life less worthy of living.I am content with myself, with the way I am. I can do little to change it.
I am the way I am. I try to be respectful of everyone; I can do no more or less.
Yet, for my
mental health and
well being, there are some family members that I need to
pull up anchor and drift away from.
Labels: abuse, family, happiness, inner critic, self-esteem
posted by GoldenAh
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July 4th and the Family Visits
Saturday, June 30, 2007
I have two older brothers. I am the
only girl and last child. I'm
not a brat, but I've done what I wanted for as long as I can recall. Doesn't mean I wasn't punished when I was
bad.
Both brothers live in southern states, so when they visit it's a long trip to get up here. They pull in 12-15 hours of driving.
Holidays like July 4th, December 25th and New Year's Eve are days I
dislike the most. Why? Expectations don't mesh with reality.
I believe the
media has us
trained with an expectation to experience certain emotions during these days, and if it
doesn't happen - then one is not
normal. Or you are missing out on the
greatest feelings and events that
should be happening in your life. Oh happy happy joy joy!
Hey, that probably explains the
high rates of suicides during the Holidays. There is a social pressure of making folks feel left out of the "fun" and it
is cruel. Not everyone has a
large family, a lot of friends or even
any friends.
And before the over-commercialized unnatural
consumeristic lifestyles got ahold of people, these events were enjoyed without such
religiosity. (Sorry, it was the only word that came to mind.)
If you are a
misanthropic curmudgeon such as myself Holidays aren't a joy to behold. Family reunions don't excite. And being without company is a joy to behold.
Don't get me wrong, I
adore my family. I just like seeing them outside of the socially dictated calendar events. I see 'em when I see 'em, I don't need artificial exuberance to enjoy their company.
Enjoy America's birthday.
Labels: brothers, family, holidays
posted by GoldenAh
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