The Nice Good Black Man

Using an interesting quote from Classic NYer:

But that being said, perhaps I can show you another point of view. Take for example my brother, a stand -up individual raised by my mother and father with correct morals, treats his mother and two sisters with respect, graduated with degrees and working on another one, acts sensibly, never been to jail/gotten into drugs/did general dumbass criminal shit/etc… in other words, none of the damaged-beyond-repair symptoms that are often associated with black maleness.

It’s a little sad that there are some black women who have become so disillusioned by the bottom-of-the-barrel-negroes that they will look at any black man, even my brother, and all they will see is gangsta rap. I’m not saying, of course, that black women should be required to take a fine-toothed comb to our race before venturing out…

I myself am finding happiness right now with a non-black man… but it bothers me when I hear people say things like “I’m done with black men!” and I do hear this sometimes… and it speaks a couple volumes about our own damage when we become so jaded that we can’t see the black men in college because we’re blinded by the black men in jail… I say “to hell with them” if they can’t get their shit together… but what about my brother?



Thank you for this comment, Classic NYer. This brings up the flip side of the “watch out for the abusive, bad, and damaged beyond repair black males (DBR)” topical threads. I’m not going to talk about your brother, since I don’t know him. I will write solely from observation and experience.

Blog Purpose: Black Female Consumption

The reason why so much virtual ink is spent discussing black males, at times, is because a number of us still interact with so many of them. Obviously, there are good and bad folks in every group. The consistent theme here has been to urge black women to put as much physical, emotional, and mental distance between themselves and the toxic people in their lives. Statistically, the ones most likely to place them in grave danger happen to be black males.

We must remember that the goal is winnowing and thinning the herd of good from bad. Once the ladies physically move, then adjust to becoming emotionally detached, it becomes easier for them to think about the positive, uplifting, and affirming changes they want to make in their lives.

I too have stand-up, nice, good and great brothers, uncles, cousins and wonderful black men as friends and associates. Yet, if the ladies reading my blog, and others, decide that they cannot be bothered with black men in general, then that is their right. Perhaps they’re exhausted, wounded and weary from using a fine tooth comb, fishing in a tiny dirty pond, or dumpster diving for a decent black man. Some might even decide that from a statistical vantage looking for one would be an enormous waste of time. I cannot blame them.

I approach this topic from this perspective: what a black woman decides to do with her life ultimately has nothing to do with anyone, especially black men. He will matter if he is the one man who makes a concerted effort to be the special man in her life: a moral, decent, financially sound, emotionally mature, and responsible husband or friend.

Black Men Always Do What Suits Them

I don’t feel bothered, or disturbed when black women say that they are “done with black men”. If my brothers, uncles, cousins, and male friends felt they weren’t making headway with black women, I know they would promptly move onto Latinas, foreign-born black women, and non-black women without pause.

They would do it, because they aren’t concerned with my feelings or impressions about their women. They would do it, because as black men, they are quite willing to enjoy their prerogative to freely date and mate whomever they please.

Who black men decide to have as a life partner is really none of my business. They find happiness on their own terms. And I don’t take it upon myself to worry about who they want or who wants them. Black men, in general, never seem to have trouble finding a woman.

Fog of War

The ones who have a problem with dating and mating with whomever they desire are black women. A number of us haven’t truly embraced our freedoms 100% yet, which is why we still linger over black males and their issues. I gave that up well over a dozen years ago. I left my “black nationalism card” in a drawer to catch dust. I found it less complicated and emotionally bothersome to date Indian, white and Latino men than black men. I couldn’t handle the “fog of war” with them anymore. I had no interest in being cannon fodder or a combatant in their superficial “race war” with white men.

I’ve read and heard the complaint from black men that more than a few, if not all, black women aren’t “feeling” them for one particular reason or another. Well, just because he’s a nice guy, educated and speaks well it doesn’t entitle him to any black woman who happens to catch his eye. As women, we have millions of self-help books telling us to let go when “he’s just not that into you”. The opposite is also true. If a number of black women aren’t into him, he needs to let it – that feeling of entitlement – go.

The Reasons Why Multiply

The nice, good black guy might not accept this, but the following are some of the reasons for their lack of success with black women:

  1. He’s boring. Point blank.
  2. She’s not attracted: no zing, no tingle, at all. Why waste his time?
  3. He’s not her type. She finds his height, weight, complexion, sense of humor, level of sophistication or intelligence lacking.
  4. His self-esteem is low.
  5. Her self-esteem is low.
  6. He lacks the ability to court, entice, tantalize, and seduce a woman.
  7. He lacks a few of the qualities on her “must have” list.
  8. She only digs white, Asian or Latino guys.
  9. His social circle is of poor quality, insufficient or deficient.
  10. He lacks ambition.
  11. Embarrassingly cheap.
  12. Spends too much. Trying to purchase affection.
  13. He believes he’s mature, but he’s really quite childish.
  14. He’s passive-aggressive, and resorts to sarcasm when angry.
  15. Refuses to be candid, upfront, honest or blunt.
  16. Immediately clingy. Reeks of desperation.
  17. He who hesitates loses the game. Wants her to make all the first and last moves.
  18. Exhausting dead-weight. He’s indecisive, and wants her to decide everything.
  19. Every black woman is not his type, supportive, or “good enough” for him, but accuses every black woman of having “unrealistic expectations”.
  20. Very critical, and doles out compliments like a miser with money.
  21. Competitive with black women, and not other men.
  22. Jealous.
  23. Complains about “white people” all the time, with “white people” being only white men.
  24. Believes that an education, lack of a criminal record, employment, and being a black man entitles him to the good graces of all black women.
  25. Added 5/25 Single, but unavailable. In between women, living with a baby Momma and “looking”.
  26. Added 5/25 Lacking manners: a failure to express thoughtfulness or consideration.
  27. Added 5/25 Momma’s boy: treats his female relatives nice. The same can’t be said of how he treats other women.

It’s not a comprehensive list since it is culled from observation and experience. As we know one woman’s bore, could be another woman’s “steady Freddy”.

Black Men Have the Advantage

The fact is that black women with an education vastly outnumber educated black men. In a perfect world, starting in college all black women would like worship all the “nice good black men” and quickly snatch up each one. Let’s not forget these guys want to play around too. He will meet some that like him, and he’ll meet some that wont. If he’s expecting an easier time with black women due to the sex imbalance, it will not make a difference. If he’s expecting an easier path to dating black women due to the abusive bad guys, it will not make a difference.

The black women who write off black men might seem a massive amount due to the nature of these blogs. Yet, it is exaggerated since the fact remains that the number of black women dating interracially is minuscule.

Black men avail themselves to non-black women at a rate of 75% to black women with non-black men at 25%. The nice, good black males don’t have it so bad. They are living in the land of plenty where women of all races outnumber the men. If the nice, good black man is truly a worthy catch, he will have no trouble finding the right woman.

Eventually, the numbers will be on his side.


45 thoughts on “The Nice Good Black Man”

  1. And another thing, the black men that I have found who are in their mid-to-late 30’s and don’t have children either a)don’t want to get married and have children at all or b) they don’t want to get married until their 40’s and their plan is to get with a woman in her 20’s or early 30’s at the oldest to have children.

    GoldenAh: I honestly believe if a black woman cannot locate a black man under 30 who has his act together with no children, she needs to stop looking. Let him find you, if you want one, because looking is a major waste of time. The onus to find a nice good black man should never be on us.

    I hope you come across a great guy (regardless of race), Jamila. I’m rooting for you. 🙂

  2. Daphne: I mean, if you only HEAR about the GBM, but never see them, as if they’re mystical creatures of whom others whisper, but rarely, if ever, see with your own eyes (purple unicorns!)……then yeah, I understand why a woman may not factor that in when she’s considering romantic prospects.

    Interesting you said this part, as I made this point very briefly in the previous post.

    Moreover, as you all have touched on, it comes down to common sense and an exercise in critical thinking. This may also include–le gasp!–going on a nature hike in your own brain/heart, putting dating aside for a while.

    GoldenAh: Thank you for your comment and stopping by, Rainebeaux. 😀

  3. Jamila, you’ve hit on something else. Just how easy is it to find a black guy over 30 to 35 without children?

    I just turned 28 so most of the guys I’m interested in dating are in the 26 to 32 range. The particular fellow I mentioned above happened to be late 30’s. He just struck up a conversation with me in the bookstore. He was definitely the type who would see himself as a ‘good black man’: he had a bachelor’s degree in film, talked about Africa–even had the ankh on his necklace, lol–and then started telling me about his two kids with this woman he never intended to marry…Then he started talking about how he didn’t need a piece a piece of paper to prove anything to other people about his relationship.

    His age had pretty much already disqualified him as far as I was concerned and then as he kept talking I just liked him less and less. He asked me to friend him on facebook and I saw on his page that his status said he was already in a relationship. I saw this black womans picture and everything!

    My days of actively trying to find ‘purple unicornus manus’ to satisfy the needs of other people who want me to be with a black man are OVA!!!

    GoldenAh: Oh, you are the perfect age. The world is yours. 🙂

    Guys like that want to practice “African” polygamy, but without the full responsibility and the money.

    Good for you. Your eyes and ears are wide open. Don’t ever give ’em a chance. They will ruin your life in a heartbeat. That’s their specialty.

  4. It is likely Classic NYer’s brother has expanded his options with regard to his dating pool and is not experiencing a shortage of eligible women.

    Likewise, bw should do the same. Expand the range of options. This does not mean bw should accept DBR men of any color. Discernement must be practiced and losers, low value, damaged, deluded and deranged men must be removed from consideration.


    GoldenAh: The list of 24 turn-off qualities could apply to men of all races. The only major difference I’ve noticed is that most of the other guys are very serious when it comes to having kids, either they want them or don’t. And if there are children, those are “his” kids. Like you are “his” wife. The possessiveness and caretaker mentality is way way different.

    Always great to hear from you, Southland Diva. 😀

  5. Excellent post. It’s about common sense and critical thinking in every area of life but especially when it comes to life partners. Bottom line toxic people cause harm and should be avoided at all costs in all areas.

    People are lazy and do not want to do the work critical thinking/discernment requires or take responsibility for their choices. It is easier to lump a group together based on a characteristic than to take each person as they come and evaluate them on their own merit.

    As for what will happen to the “nice good black man” the same thing that will happen to “nice good woman/man” they will exercise sound judgement and eliminate/minimize the contact with and the impact of toxic people in their lives or they won’t. If they adapt – learn and process the lessons learned and move on they will survive and thrive otherwise they will be casualties in the game called life. Each person must navigate life on their own – no one can do it for them.

    Speaking directly to the point “nice good men” color, creed or culture does not matter – they will do what men have always done//(were born to do) they will adapt, be resilient and strive and compete to achieve and prove their worth as suitors – protectors and providers for women or they will be alone and do without. If they are lucky the will meet misguided women w/out sense of self preservation, respect and or esteem who will settle, rescue or feel sorry for them or they will devolve into angry, bitter, weak, emotional vampires and resource sucking leeches, in short oxygen thieves who will damage and drain the life (time, youth, energy, spirituality, vitality money, emotion etc.out of anyone they come in contact with that is willing to let them.

    The key is to not be that woman who let’s them. Don’t let other peoples well being be more important to you then it is to them. People do what they need to do; spend energy on what matters to them. If it does not matter to them enough to invest no sense in you wasting time, though or energy on it!

    GoldenAh: Fantastic comment, Candice. Welcome aboard. 🙂

    You bring up something that irritates me a bit about the “nice good men” qualifier when it comes to black men. Why are they sometimes offered up as an object of pity if a minuscule tiny portion of black women say they aren’t interested? I’m puzzled as to why that’s such a big deal. Are people worried that the idea might spread and black women will act like black men?

    There are black men unapologetically having babies with black women, and when they get a football / baseball / basketball / movie / job contract let it be known that they are looking for a pale-skinned wife. They’re the same ones running around complaining about gold-diggers, when they’re just denigrating the women that stuck with them when they were broke.

    Feeling sorry for a guy is not the basis of a relationship. A black woman needs an adult as a life partner, not a man-child. And there are too many of those walking about.

  6. You ever notice how genuinely good/nice men rarely describe themselves as such? Their actions and behavior speak for themselves.

    This reminded me of part of a comment I made on another site. It was a different topic, street harassment, but still applicable:

    A black woman doesn’t have to equivocate (i.e. there are good black men) when she rarely, if ever, interacts with said men or witnesses said men in action.

    In other words, one woman’s reality may not be another’s. I mean, if you only HEAR about the GBM, but never see them, as if they’re mystical creatures of whom others whisper, but rarely, if ever, see with your own eyes (purple unicorns!)……then yeah, I understand why a woman may not factor that in when she’s considering romantic prospects. That’s why I rarely mention that I know good black men. Heck, I know trifling ones as well. How does that help a woman trying to find the best mate for her?

    Ultimately, I think any black woman has a right to exercise her agency – if she chooses to date/marry only black men, that’s per prerogative; hopefully she realizes that doesn’t mean black men will automatically want to date/marry her. If she chooses to date any good man, regardless of race, that’s her prerogative. And if she chooses to exclude black men as romantic prospects….again, her prerogative.

    I suspect that many people conflate excluding black men (or being open to all races) with bashing black men, when one may have nothing to do with the other

    GoldenAh: We could have a ton of them (GBM) as best buddies, and knowing how they are would never consider them as husband material in a million years.

    But the thing is, to emphasis your point: no black woman owes anyone an explanation as to why she doesn’t want or wants a GBM. That’s her business. She’s free to choose. The GBM and all the others do it every waking second of their lives.

    LOL. Purple unicorns! Daphne, you are so bad! and on point as usual. 😀

  7. Some men will take advantage of you for as long as you allow. I have a cousin who had a “boyfriend” for 20years in a long distance relationship. She wanted kids and wanted to get married, but he kept putting it off. She later broke up with him after she found out he was cheating. Meanwhile her child bearing years are em gone because of him. She probably passed up some great guys who would have married her years ago, but she let this DBR keep her hanging for “his convenience.

    GoldenAh: I believe the key to improving the relationship between black women and men is for the women to be more stringent. She has to protect herself by issuing rules and deadlines. She loses her advantage by letting him get over. Your story here is the perfect example of that.

    Thank you for your comments, Funkystarkitty50. 🙂

  8. ‘Cause we’ve all heard about those 7 to 15 year “boyfriends”, as she lets opportunities to find a better man slip through her hands.

    I’m glad I’m not the only one that has seen this phenomenon too many times to count.

    Scene:Black women meets black, both are in their late teens or early 20’s. Black women spends the next 10 to 15 years waiting on the black man to marry her. Meanwhile, they have 2 or 3 kids, live together, etc. Finally, black men hits 35 and announces that he is not going to marry her EVER and the relationship breaks off. Unfortunately for the black woman, she has now spent the best years of her youth with a man who was wasting her time from the very beginning and she can never get those years back.

    I’ve seen this pattern occur over and over and over again. The last black guy who approached me admitted he played the exact same ‘scam’–my word, not his–on the woman he spent 14 years with. Now he’s running the ‘marriage is spiritual, and we don’t need no piece of paper to validate our love’ scam. As soon as I heard this negro utter the magical phrase ‘marriage is spiritual’ I completely wrote him off, even for friendship and networking opportunitites.

    GoldenAh: And it is nice, good black men doing this! We know them, don’t we? They have stable jobs, they are educated, you name it, but they have women dangling like this. This is because she’s faced with a scarcity mentality: he’s the best thing I have and I can’t let him go. The women are so loyal, it’s crazy. They go through a decade plus of waiting … for nothing. What a shame.

    Let’s be honest about something else: the nice, good guys follow the advice of and make friends with the abusive ones. They admire these guys with the multiple girlfriends and children. They believe that drug dealers and thugs are “alpha males” or “authentically black”.

    Jamila, you’ve hit on something else. Just how easy is it to find a black guy over 30 to 35 without children?

    Thanks for the feedback. 🙂

  9. I knew you would bring it, Betty. 🙂

    I can so identify with this part… If the nice, good black man is truly a worthy catch, he will have no trouble finding the right woman.

    This is why I can’t bring myself to get worked up over any BW who might say that they’re no longer dating BM. I know I mentioned my brother before, but I have ZERO concern about his ability to find a mate whenever he gets to the point when he’s ready to marry. He is what most would consider to be a “good black man,” and yes, he has dated black and non-black women. There are PLENTY of single black women out there who certainly would not look past him, and he probably can have his pick from the group, if he’s so inclined. Or he might pick non-black… whatever he decides, I can guarantee that I don’t need to waste a second trying to convince BW that he’s “one of the good ones,” or say, “see, not all black men are bad, look at my brother!”

    BUT… as you also said and as I learned quickly in my dating life, just because a “good black man” is single doesn’t mean he’s available. There are plenty of these types who know they don’t have to be in a rush to settle down, because whether they’re 27 or 37, there will be PLENTY of quality black women available for them to date because of the overall numbers shortage and then the disparity in college-educated BM compared to similar BW. I was surrounded by “good BM” when I was single, but did any of them try to court me? Nope. And I don’t take it personally… but they weren’t trying to get serious with ANYONE at the time, and if I really wanted them, I probably would have had to wait about 5-7 years until they turned 35 or so before they became serious prospects. And why should any woman have to wait when there are plenty of men who are ready to marry you right now?

    The existence of “good black men” should make no difference in an individual BW’s dating/mating choices. She doesn’t need to be reminded that “good black men” exist. I’m sure she knows that, and if she wants any of them, she could certainly find them.

    GoldenAh: They date so many women – such a large variety – I don’t bother to keep count. And then there are the ones searching hard for a wife, who find her rather quickly. Yet, black men have the lowest rates of marriage. So who’s zooming who?

    Lisa, you make an excellent point about the time tables. Black men will have no problem using up the youth of a black woman, making her wait, and she allows it. ‘Cause we’ve all heard about those 7 to 15 year “boyfriends”, as she lets opportunities to find a better man slip through her hands. The women wait because they’ve been told – there are very few good black men around, and this guy is as good as you’ll get. Even the most saintly man will take advantage.

    Thank you for your contribution, Lisa. 🙂

  10. i enjoyed this post goldenah

    i wonder why bw are so concerned about observing ‘good black woman codes’ so much instead of just getting on with life. I am not saying that the commentor is such a person but i have noticed bw tend to always try to be moral and observe black moral codes even if others could careless!

    No black man is going to fall over dead because a bw didnt acknowledged his ‘goodness’. I mean if that was the case there would be scores of bw dead this minute given how so many wonderful ones are passed over everyday.

    why are bw so focussed on moralizing and upholdng an unequally practiced moral code in bc. as you said bm are hardly hurting for mates and if anyone, it is bm doing the overlooking but then bw just have to do the right thing, we are obsessed with it! Excesive morality is often a cover for something else.

    And I agree that bw shouldnt worry about searching out the good black men anymore.

    let the black man do the searching this time. if he wants a black woman let him approach and show what he’s got. bw should totally forget about wasting time trying to identify ‘good ones’. the energy and effort expended is more justified on the part of bm doing the work!

    GoldenAh: Hello Halima, how are you? Great to hear from you. Thank you for stopping by and providing feedback. 😀

    I agree with you. Some of us are too busy studying how to be good when we ought to be concerned with our own well being, even if it makes us appear selfish and self-centered. I feel there’s nothing wrong with putting ourselves first. The guys already have it made. They left the barn many decades ago, carrying on and pleasing themselves. We need to do the same, and stop worrying about water under the bridge. There’s no benefit in it.

    I feel part of this concern may be guilt. Yet no black woman should feel guilty for fully embracing the one life she has to live. I don’t feel it’s worthwhile to congratulate whatever number of black men out there that are good. Like you said, if they exist let them find the good black women to complement them. We have too much work to do already. 🙂

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