For Black Women: White Men Hunting – Lesson Number 92

Sometimes the comments are so good, they get their own posts.

In this one, White Men Hunting – Lesson Number 92, you will have the answers to oft-repeated questions, such as:

  • Where are the white men?
  • How do I find one?
  • How do I get one to ask me out?
  • I don’t look like Beyonce or Halle, will they like me?
  • Am I too old at age (fill in the blank)?

Starting with the excellent comment by Anna (middle name). She addresses the age-old issue of: Now, how are white men supposed to know you like them if you never hang around them?

Anna (middle name) says:

If you want to be in the swirl, there is one way to make that happen that is only obvious after someone connects the dots for you. That’s how it happened for me, too.

What is it, you ask?

Just hang out with white guys. Even if none of those guys that you’re hanging with ask you out, other WM will see you with them, figure that you actually must like white guys and be comfortable around them, approach you, and ask you out. It works like a charm.

I know. I am 26, and in the roughly 18 months I’ve been hanging out with these three white guys I know, I’ve been asked out by three different white guys, guys that are friends of my friends. And one of those guys I went out with is now my steady boo.

I’m not Beyonce and I’m not Paula Patton or Eve, either. I am not beautiful, I’m average looking. I’m thin (white guys like that), but other than that, I look like a lot of other black chicks. I’m just average.

I hear BW that want to meet white men say they want to meet white guys, but they can’t, but then, they’re never around any white people, so I don’t know they’re expecting to meet white guys that way. If all you’re around is black people, then all you’re going to meet is more black people, ladies.

Make friends with some white men, even if those guys are not guys you would want to date. Be seen with those white guys by other white guys, some of which you will want to date. This simple formula eluded me for a long time. It’s blindingly obvious once it’s obvious, right?

Put yourself in front of WM that are dating material by socializing with other white men. This really, really works. And, it also helps you get to know white guys a lot better so that when the “dating material” guy shows up, you are ready to communicate (wink) with him. You’ve already had your tutorial on white men, you’re ready to go.

And before any of you grow shy and dismiss your own chances, read the following two comments of encouragement.

The next is by the lovely sistahwuman with a wonderful relationship. (And I still want her man.)

sistahwuman says:

It’s been my experience that you just never know with WM in terms of which one will be open to dating a BW. I have always solved this problem by being open to any quality man, even if I thought the chances of him wanting to date IR were probably low. My current situation is a great example.

As I mentioned before, my boyfriend looks to be just about the whitest guy in the world. Nothing unusual about him, he dresses conservatively, he speaks like he came out of prep school, which he did, and he’s tall and good-looking, but in a low-key sort of way. And if you knew him, you would know that he drinks scotch straight up, smokes cigars, watches football, etc. Typical guy stuff, especially typical white guy stuff, but throw in the fact that he’s a handsome guy and doesn’t lack for offers of female company, also makes a good living at a stodgy old firm, and as a BW, you might say that your chances with such a guy are probably not great. He’s just too white! Am I right?

But, I made sure he knew I was interested in him. You can’t win if you don’t play, right, ladies? And much to my surprise, he responded to that interest immediately.

Here is something else: that calm exterior hides a hot, passionate nature underneath. Wow!

So, you just never know. My advice to all those BW considering an IR is to try not to knock anyone out of contention based on your initial perception of them. Obviously, some men will eliminate themselves immediately by saying or doing something stupid or disrespectful, but that happens across all races. No, I’m talking about the kind of guys that play it close to the vest, the ones that are laying back until they get a signal from you that it’s ok to approach you. All these other sisters know what I’m talking about, I’m sure. Most WM of any kind of substance are going to be cautious in their approach. So, all I’m saying is, your initial impression of his level of his real or potential interest in you may not be accurate – my man says he noticed me immediately and was quite attracted to me, but did nothing to alert me to that until he got the go-ahead from me in conversation.

Just sayin’.

You don’t have to be perfect to find the perfect situation.

Last, but not least, the wise words of magicwoman. You can never be too old. It’s never too late to start looking.

magicwoman says:

First of all, I am 44.

Second, in the interests of keeping it as real as possible here, I want to list all the cons that any honest BW would say I bring to the table in terms of a possible IR relationship:

I am 44.

I am a dark sister.

I am tall, 5′10″.

I wear my hair short and natural.

My financial situation is shaky and always has been.

I have a very large, surly black teenage son who resents any man that is around his mother.

I am smart, but I got an awful education. Sometimes it’s tough for me to participate in certain conversations because I just don’t know enough about the subject.

I have a large, goofy dog that flings himself at everyone he likes even a little bit.

Here are the pros:

I still have a great body, thank god. I am slim, but curvy. I hit the gym hard.

I have a wonderful smile, with dazzling white teeth.

I still have a pretty face.

I’m a nice person and people seem to be able to sense that.

I’m smart, even if not well-educated.

I like the same music most WM my age like – more important than you think.

I’m not a complainer or a whiner – WM love this.

I take of my man in every way possible, from the little things to the big things. What BM just expect, WM are always just surprised to get. My guy says he’s never felt so looked after in his whole life.

I have a big goofy dog that most WM like when the dog is not trying to lick them to death.

All I’m saying here is that whatever pros and cons come with you, as long as it’s an even contest (or maybe one or two more things in the pro column), you can find someone. You’re almost 40? So what!

You don’t think there is a white guy that is 40 years old that would like to meet, and then date, a wonderful, attractive sister? I can assure you, there are plenty.

Look at the drawbacks I’m working with here! Just my age and the fact that I have a large, unhappy-looking black teenage son in the house should be enough to send most white guys running for the hills.

But I found someone, someone I love very much and someone who loves me very much. He’s a huge white guy, a gentle giant that has a heart of gold. And, btw, the kid is starting to come around to him.

He’s told me that he wishes he had met me in his twenties because he’s never been so happy, and I feel the same exact way, but sometimes happiness doesn’t run on the schedule you prefer.

Sorry this has rambled on so long, but I guess my message to PhillyGirl is, whatever list of pluses and minuses you have for yourself, don’t write off your chances of finding love (and marriage, if you want it) with a WM. It can happen.

I couldn’t have said it better. {Virtual hugs for everyone!}

Happy white man hunting, ladies! Make me proud.


36 thoughts on “For Black Women: White Men Hunting – Lesson Number 92”

  1. Just a suggestion from a guy…travel. Go to Europe. Go to Australia (we don’t bight down here either…just the spiders do!!). Do something really radical and spend a month in India or Africa or China.

    I travel the world a lot for work, and am always a little disappointed that I don’t meet many black American women. Traveling is such a great way of meeting and sharing really great experiences with lots of diverse and interesting people.

    GoldenAh: I have wanted to go to Australia, and New Zealand, since my parents took me to Los Angeles for a vacation, and I couldn’t take my eyes off this hot, cowboy hat wearing, bowlegged man from New Zealand. So many places to go, so little time. Le sigh….

    Oh, Marcus, thank you! thank you! thank you! for stopping by, and letting the ladies here know there are men who want to meet them! 😀

  2. Good post

    It’s not rocket science ladies. You’re not going to meet men of other races hanging out in black spots. Get out of your comfort zone and go to parties or events with a multicultural crowd. It’s been 6 years since I decided to broaden my dating with non-bm and all it took was kicking it in places with a variety of cultures. Smile, make eye contact, be yourself and if he likes you, he’ll pursue you. No one is saying you have to abandon the black community but explore other places. It’s a big world out there. Play in it!

    GoldenAh: Aw yes. So true. The funny thing is there would be tons of black males at these “diverse” gatherings, and not another sister in sight. That tells you a lot right then and there.

    Thanks for stopping by. 😀

  3. All great advice. I am also guilty of wishing white men would talk to me, notice me, and not making that happen by being around them, and putting myself in front of them so that they actually can notice me.

    I don’t know any white guys to hang with, but I do know a lot of white girls from work, so maybe that’s another path to the same goal.

    GoldenAh: No shame in being shy and quiet. I’m the most shy and quiet of them all. However, I like white men too much not to eyeball, smile, and say, “Hello.”

    Join a few meetups or groups that have a high number of men. You don’t have to be an avid collector, hobbyist or sports-nut like some of them are. 😀

    And as always, if someone has better advice they are free to chime in.

  4. I think sometimes we get intimidated by certai conversations when there is no need to.

    My girlfriend and I were talking to these two cute white guys at Borders, and I looked over at her and she had that deer in the headlights look, and I asked after they left what that was all about and she said he started talking about architecture. She doesn’t know anything about that.and neither do I, for that matter.

    But, I said, so what, tell him you don’t know anything about it, but it interests you. Has there ever been a man born that doesn’t want to show a woman how much he knows?
    I mean, really.

    We don’t think like that, though. We just go silent, or at best, just sort of nod and smile.

    GoldenAh: I think that’s why I lingered a bit on hobbies in my other post, For Black Women: Why White Men are a Better Choice. You can almost be 99% sure he has a hobby or a specific interest. It’s great to ask him about it. That will carry a conversation anywhere, and when a sister feels comfortable she could talk about her love of any hobby, even if it’s shopping.

    Yeah, guys love to talk about themselves, all we need is to feed them questions…

    People, relax – it’s not judgment day. With some of my guy friends, it’s either science fiction, movies, woodworking, seeing plays, etc. that gets them going. With enough time we all find, and have, something in common.

    Thanks for stopping by….. 😀

  5. BTW, one more thing. To add to the comment about AW, the Asian-Ammerican girlfriend of one of the guys brought her friend to a party a few months ago, and you guessed it, that woman is now dating one of the guys in a serious relationship. One time, one meeting, that’s all it took, and that guy asked for her phone number.

    I saw it happen, she was really flirting with that guy, and things took their natural course, as things tend to do.

    Still, I can’t help feeling like it was the same thing as releasing a shark into a tank of sea bass.

    I wish my plans for my girls would work out like that plan worked out for her girl.

    GoldenAh: I got it! We need a self-esteem boot camp! 5 things to say to yourself to make you feel invincible, super-attractive and hot! Or they need to make mingling a habit, until it breaks the self-doubt cycle. The more they do it, the less chance of staying silent on the sidelines.

    Excellent feedback. Thanks for your contribution. 😀

  6. I agree with all the statements in the post – Anna’s, sistuhwumoan’s and magicwoman’s. And I agree because their statements mirror my personal experience.

    Sistahwuman said it all when she wrote, “You can’t win if you don’t play, right, ladies”?

    So many BW that say they’re interested in an IR relationship just expect that some white guy is going to drop out of the sky, land at their feet with a bouquet of roses, and say, “You are beautiful and everything I could ever want in a woman. Let’s get married. Today.”
    GoldenAh: I’m picturing this. Hilarious.

    And also, and I’ve seen this in person, the rare instances I could drag a friend of mine to an event or a thing like a party or a barbecue where there are a lot of cute, single white guys, my friend will just clam up, and stick to my side like glue. I’m introducing her to all of these nice guys I know, some of whom I know would be open to IR, since they told me that personally because they’re friends with my boyfriend, and she just won’t engage them in a conversation. I’m knocking myself out, making chitchat, trying to keep the conversation going, and she won’t say anything.

    I’m like, girl, say something! You’re cute, you’re funny, say something!

    Then, all the way back in the car, I gotta hear, “Oh, he was so foine.” I just want to shake her.

    It’s not just one of my friends that has done this, this has happened with three different girlfriends of mine. Are these boys just supposed to read their minds and divine that this black girl is interested in them?

    Ladies, the basic rules are the same. First, you have to meet a guy, you have to make contact somehow. Then, you have to actually talk to him, so you can see if there’s any interest on your part, and, so he can do the same from his end. You have to do both of those things before a date can happen. If you want to date a WM, and you never actually meet any white men, then just HOW is that going to happen? And if you actually get in front of a cute white guy, and you won’t talk to him, then exactly just what is he supposed to take away from that meeting?

    My boyfriend’s buddies LOVE me. They just LOVE me. If I broke up with my boyfriend tomorrow (not gonna happen), I know I could go out with any of them the next week. I mean, provided the break-up was friendly. They’re all young guys in their mid-to-late twenties, college grads, some of them with MBAs and some of them from the Ivy League, a couple of them do creative-type work, some are in banking, etc. These are quality guys. They’ve asked me and him, “Any more like you (her) available?” And, for a couple of them, I KNOW I’m the first black chick they’ve ever really been friends with, so I’ve done the pioneer work with these guys, and all I’m trying to do now is help a couple of girlfriends follow me to these new lands as settlers, but my girls lack resolve.

    It’s very frustrating.

    GoldenAh: Uh oh, sounds like I gotta post a flirting or making conversation lesson sometime in the near-far future. 🙂

    Flirting wasn’t my problem, keeping my hands to myself was. LOL. Don’t mind me….

    Anyone else has any chatting and flirting advice: Let’s hear it!

  7. Golden Ah, I agree about the Asian women, I have seen it with my own eyes where they will just completely ignore an Asian guy to get to a WM.

    They are very focused on dating white guys, so there is no denying that they have decided that there is a lot value to hed there. it’s weird, WW don’t even seem to care about it, ever. Here on the West Coast, you see AW-WM couples everywhere. AW are all about looking out for No. 1, and getting a good hiband, a good provider and a good father. And, hey, like you, I have to respect them for that.

    Demure? Outwardly, yeah, very feminine. But they run their family and their household with authority. They definitely don’t play, as you stated.

    They are successful, very successful, at achieving their goals for themselves and their families. To be truthful, BW could do pretty well by taking a few pages out of that book. Most BW have physical gifts that most AW can only DREAM about having, because BW “got curves” and men (all men, icluding WM) love curves.

    BW just need tp put the other oieces of the puzzle in place, and WM would be falling all over them.

    GoldenAh: Their priorities are: Who will serve me, and my future (or present) family’s interest the best? The out marriage rate hasn’t hurt Asian Men, because statistically they are the most married men in America. So that flips any idea that they are losing “their” women.

    We should take a page out of anyone’s book who is doing it right.

    Thanks for stopping by. 😀

  8. I totally agree w/ the poster Anna. Even if you don’t have wm friends to hang out with, go to their venues. that alone shows interest. If you like club hopping(i’m in my 20’s) then go to a mixed club and chat up w/ some wm. It’s good practice and it’s fun!

    And don’t walk in there thinking “im a black woman”, walk in there thinking “i am a beautiful, feminine, sweet, flirty woman”. Walk like you’re on a runway, smile like you won a million bucks!

    GoldenAh: Sounds good to me. Thanks for stopping by. 😀

  9. OMG, I can’t believe you featured my comment! It’s so flattering.

    @Lisa – so typical, that response from your sister and her friend. You know, I love my sisters fiercely, but you can’t help but notice that a lot of BW just wish for something (a good man, a good car, a good job) and leave it at that.

    They won’t go after it.

    I work with all these Asian women, and you can really see they go after things hard. Including white men, y’all. LOL.

    A black woman says, “I’ll pray on it”, or sighs and says, “Maybe someday”. To me, someday has always been right now. You’re looking at the calendar, but I’m looking at my watch!

    Anyway, Lisa, glad you got yours and just the fact that your example and actions are in front of your sister will be a good thing for her.

    GoldenAh: We’ve gotten indoctrinated with too much of the Christian belief in suffering and waiting on Jesus. A lot of us has taken it too far. Either we believe God loves us so much he’d like us to find men that treat us with devotion, love, and respect, or we continue to live life as the “cursed ones.”

    I love good feedback. Your comment was so plainspoken and, along with the others, hit the nail on the head! 😀

    Yeah, Asian women don’t play. I’m still mystified by their demure stereotype. They are the fiercest women I’ve ever encountered, especially when it comes to the husband and kids. I respect them for that. Don’t get in their way. (There’s a clip on YouTube where one sh*tkicks the stuffing out of a sister. Truly badass. LOL.)

  10. Cosign on what Anna said.

    I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard my sister and her friend say that they want to meet a hot white guy, but then, when I tell them to come with me to some get-together my guy (who is white) is having with his friends, they say, “No, I would feel too uncomfortable being the only black girl there”. I say, well, I’m there, too, and the reply is, “No, that doesn’t count because you’ll be with Andrew, and I’ll be by myself”.

    So they want to meet a white guy, but they won’t actually get in front of a white guy and talk to him. What’s wrong with this picture?

    It’s like they’re expecting a guy to just walk up to them in the street and introduce himself and then ask them out on a date. C’mon, right?

    GoldenAh: I don’t know how we are afraid to be among white people when they still make up over 70% of the US population. That is the weirdest thing about these conversations.

    Ladies need to realize that after a while they will get used to being the “only one”, or with one other black person. We’re stressing over this for no reason. I think what some ladies don’t understand is that there will always be a few whites, mostly men, who will take us under wing or shelter if they sense we are uncomfortable. After that you won’t even care what others are doing, because the only ones that count are the ones we know or are getting to know.

    Man, I hope I wasn’t too wordy there. All I’m saying is don’t be afraid of the men – it’s in their nature to take care of you.

    Thanks for stopping by. 😀

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